Rainbow Baby

Ive joined a few Facebook groups to support grieving parents of stillbirths and miscarriages, and there is a VAST difference...

for those of you that don't know :

a miscarriage is the loss of a fetus prior to the 20th week of a pregnancy 

a stillbirth is the loss of a baby in the womb past the 28th week of a pregnancy 

however to each grieving parent their own, and then there is the grey area between 20-28 weeks. 
None the less, a loss is a loss. But in speaking to other parents who have had full born still births , the same thing comes up. 

How do you prepare yourself for the baby to come ( and in these communities it's called the rainbow baby) 

Not gonna lie: I'm scared shitless but I want it so bad I'll have to power through. 

May be tmi for some of you but my last cycle my period was a whole week late. 

The internal freak out that happened every day it was late was so emotionally  draining I almost cried with tears of joy when my period came... But then at the same time I was sad. 

I for a second though omg this might be it...we might finally be having a baby! 

The mind fuck comes when you realize you have to do this all over again. 

To know the first ultrasound won't be Bug.

The first little flutters I feel won't be his. 

The kicks and movements, sickness and emotions invested all over again will be for someone else...

And to have to go through all of it again and not have another baby at the end of it would do me in...

I don't want to get excited all over again. 

I don't want to make another room 

pick out names 

or clothes 

....

And I definitely can't pick out another urn...