2 years 2 months

113 weeks

791 days

18,984 hours 

1.139,040 minutes 

68,342,400 seconds 

since I lost my son. 
I still am in awe that its another January. 
Another year has passed 
and I am still here. 
Both the end of the year 
and beginning of the year are hardest. 

The end of the year is hardest since its your anniversary
and the beginning of the year is just as hard because you are not here in it. 


2016 was supposed to be the year of your dads and I's vow renewal. 
We wanted to have you, settle into things,
lose some of the baby weight, 
and have a big party. 

We also wanted you to be old enough to walk as you were to be your dads best man. 

As everyone knows  I have an undying love for Whitney Houston.
But the song I want to dance with somebody took on a whole new meaning once I got pregnant with you. 

This was your song. 
It was going to be dads and I's song...but the fast Whitney version. 

And I was going to dance with you and your dad...

Lunch date

Today I had a lunch date out in town.
I wanted to see my friend, but at the same time was dreading it...
It wasn't so much the date, but where it was at.
I had avoided this particular place for 2 years 2 months and 22 days....
I hadn't stepped foot in it since the day before he died, when I went to lunch there with a friend for her birthday.
I was feeling so sick that we ordered our food and I had to ask to take it to go.
All this time it was just a restaurant for everyone else.
But to me it just brought back too many memories.
It recently became a new restaurant
There was no parking out in front and I circled around the block a few times.
It was both to try and find parking
And to calm down since I was shaking sweating and almost in tears.
A little voice in me told me this morning to take my anxiety meds, but I didn't since I hate the feeling of being doped up.

So I parked and walked up legit saying
Its just a building. Its just a building.
Its
Just
A
Building.

I made it through my lunch date, happy to catch up with a friend, but still had an uneasy feeling in my stomach.

I can't say going back there was easy.

My biggest accomplishment pretty much everyday is getting out of bed  
today it was walking through that door.

New Year

Its another new year
and I still cant wrap my head
and heart
around the fact
that you aren't here.
I wish that it wasn't this way
but I am constantly reminded.
I remember your dad and I
talking late at night
about how excited we were
to have a new baby in 2014
how our lives were going to change
and how we would be starting out a new year as parents....
Yeah in a sense we became parents
but not like we thought or wanted
New years eve of 2014 was awful
I was obviously emotional
and tried to make out as if everything was ok
and needles to say
emotions and alcohol aren't a good mixture.
Then fast forward to New Years eve 2015
I'm sitting at home with a 6 day old baby
bawling all over again
because it just kicked up memories.
New years of 2016
we had our first get together of our own....
and I was so distracted I wasn't really able to process everything
until everyone left and it was 3am....
and you guessed it
I was crying.