Marimba + PSL= Tears

Theres an Iphone alarm that sounds like marimbas
and out of nowhere my phone (which is deactivated) went off

and immediately I burst into tears...

After coming home from the hospital
there were a slew of pain meds, antibiotics, bathroom breaks and mini walks I had to take
to keep from being in pain and for my over all recovery.
James had an alarm set on his phone for all of these things
and it was to that damn song.

All it takes is a sound, a smell, a noise or a twinge of my scar
to take me back to that awful time.

The change in the seasons hasn't helped either.
This time last year I was 2 months away from
having a baby
or so I thought.

I went to Starbucks a few weeks ago with my husband for a little coffee date
and before I could stop myself
ordered a pumpkin spice latte

One stupid little cup of coffee had me in tears at the table.

I've come to that point in my grief to where I don't care where I am
I cry
I get it out
I give no fucks if you are to judge me for being sad
You don't know my story or where I came from.
I will fully own my ugly Oprah cry
snot, tears, make up running and all.

We need never be ashamed of our tears.

Charles Dickens

10 Months

43 weeks

304 days

7296 hours

437760 minutes

26,265,600 seconds 

As I've said before 

it feels as if it just happened yesterday. 

Other people are hitting mile stones with their babies

and it just stings...

I live in a military town 

and there are pregnant people everywhere. 

3 or more people in James division are pregnant

and someone else just had twins...

I should be planning his first Halloween costume.

Maybe making it match with the dogs or James and I 

We would be planning our first trip to the pumpkin patch. 

And it sucks

because we aren't.

These are just a handful of the things that I think about on a daily basis....

that just seem to be exaggerated on the 14th of every month...

Its not going to get easier

The upcoming months are going to be worse...

I just dont know how Im going to handle it. 

Baby Shower

A year ago was my baby shower
I remember my sister having pretty much everything done before I moved home
and her being so thrilled to throw it for me.
I remember excitedly making the shower invites with my Meatball

I remember telling everyone that our Bug was a boy.

I remember all of my closest friends and family being there
sharing in the excitement of what was supposed to be
never thinking that in two months
everything would change...

I still hadn't wrapped my head around the whole
you are about to have a baby
thing.

I know that I cant ever put myself through another baby shower.
I have turned down every invite since, and honestly people can't blame me.

It really sucks that I still have a room full of all his things
that will never be used....

What is that?

For the first time yesterday, 

I met someone who didn't know what a stillborn was. 

I had even explained, I lost my son at 38 weeks, which I thought was pretty self explanatory, but I guess it wasn't. 

I knew what a stillborn was at the age of 18 from working at a vet clinic. 

Pregnant cat and dogs that have puppies or kittens that dont make it are also called still borns, however ultrasounds aren't done so you can't usually tell till they are born. 

I can honestly say I was never told my entire pregnancy to look out for anything abnormal. I had a completely normal pregnancy minus the excessive vomiting, so no one was overly concerned. 

I know that they discuss miscarriages on a regular basis. 

So when I asked why stillbirth  isnt part of "pregnancy education" it's been said it's not discussed as to not frighten the mother.

I would rather know what to do or look out for then be completely blindsided like I was. 

I think all complications no matter what they are should be discussed.