Twas the night before Christmas...

And all through the house
Not a creature was stirring...

Well we all know that's a lie.

Another sleepless night full of the
Should have
Could have
Would have
Beens.

Another night where all the emotions you've been trying to surpress for the entire month so you don't seem like the sad mopey person during the holidays comes to the surface.

And it hits you.

It hits you hard.

Its another one of those nights where you have the gut wrenching tears and can't catch your breath.
You allow yourself to have the full fledged breakdown because you've been trying to keep your shit together the whole month for everyone else.

But you realize you don't owe anyone an explanation.

You are this way because you have to say 

I should have my son this Christmas.

My baby should have his first stocking.

Our family card should have me, James, Bug and the dogs.

But it doesn't.

And it never will....

1 year 1 month

34,128,000 seconds
568,800 minutes
9480 hours
395 days
56 weeks
since I lost my son.

I'm just numb and going through the motions of the holidays without really acknowledging them.
When asked what my plans for Christmas are I inwardly cringe, but say family is coming into town and leave it at that.

It should be Bugs first big Christmas.

He would have been one. Not like he would really be into gifts and the whole Santa thing yet, but we would have been able to get him more interactive toys and such.

But instead we are finding a host family and donating 1 year old boy toys, and making a memorial donation to stillbirth research.

Its the second holiday season without him, but it feels like the first.

I hate all the people who unknowling are waving in my face their baby's first Christmas experience...but it is what it is.

I am also dreading Christmas day , because we all know someone is gonna use that day to announce a pregnancy of some kind or another.
There are tons of ladies in a baby loss group I'm a part of that have Santa hats on their ultrasounds, or wrapped them in presents or hung a pregnancy test from the tree, or are announcing the gender with a stocking.
Its cute, I get it your excited, so was I, but I just want to scream don't do it!

There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of him, but the holidays seem to make it all so much worse.

Someone said today, I don't understand why people decide to be miserable during the happiest time of the year...being miserable is a choice and they should choose otherwise...

Im sorry some of us don't have that "choice"

I can't choose when and how I grieve.

Its beginning to look alot like Christmas

I can't sleep, just got a lot on my mind. James before Thanksgiving actually got me a tree because he said he wanted one this year. I honestly really didn't know how I'd feel about it all, the holidays just aren't the same for us...
But I finally got tired of staring at the damn box so I put that shit together.
Of course I got emotional.
I should be worried about where were placing it and what ornaments to hang where so Bug wouldn't pull them off the tree...

We were supposed to have a 1 year old this Christmas.

All those things just sit there in the back of your mind and pop up when you do things like this.
Everyone is always so excited about putting up a tree, but it really just stings and is a reminder of all the time that past and all that should have been.
Its sad to not have the "Baby's first Christmas" ornament, it really really hurts.
I'm part of a group for ladies trying to concieve after a loss and so many women are announcing pregnancies with Christmas this year and I just cringe.
From personal experience we announced Bug on our birthday, we thought (at the time) it was a cute idea....but every year when that day rolls around it just hurts even more...

So its beginning to look a lot like Christmas, I just don't think it will feel like it for a while...

Holiday Parties

Tis the season.
Invites for parties are beginning to come in and my anxiety is going up with the decisions to attend or not.
Almost every other year James and I loved going, but now this year we have one of two options.

Option 1: Fake it till ya make it.
That includes plastering on a face and smile, ugly christmas sweater or what have you, and getting a present for the host.

Sadly I've become so good at this I don't know what's real or what's fake anymore...

Option 2: Be honest with myself and stay home because honestly, I don't want to pretend to be happy and ruin someone else's party...

Seeing other peoples kids dressed up all fancy and hearing about what they accomplished this year is too much to handle.

Emotionally, mentally and physically, this is exhausting.

They say it "gets easier" with time....
I'm still waiting for it to do so...

Oh look, another holiday.

I made it through Thanksgiving,

just barely.

6 pregnancy announcements were the icing on the cake.

We got a lot of crap for not doing anything this year but honestly if you don't get it by now I'm done explaining myself.
The only reason we cooked last year was because we had already invited people and of course I felt bad canceling, but it was a very drugged and tearful "holiday".

So if you all must know my day consisted of watching my vets dogs aka the pigs, I bleached and colored my hair, and did absolutely nothing. We sadly watched the parade and dog show and James watched some football, but it was all just a painful reminder of what the day should have been.

We were invited to 8 dinners this year...but politely declined. I can't sit there and pretend to be happy at your table with your family and your babies while I'm absolutely miserable inside. And I'm honest enough with myself to know I would hate to put anyone and their family through my feelings and grief to that extent.

We did however recieve leftovers from friends and then stop by another friends house that evening just for some talk and dessert which was nice.
Don't get me wrong people I'm not a totally ungrateful bitch...I'm grateful for the people that put up with me this past year...

But it's not like there's even a break before the next holiday starts, it's like bam Thanksgiving is over and then we are gangbanged by both Christmas and New Years.

October starts the season of holidays and honestly the worst time of the year for me...

I honestly just need a break from it all.

Your baby is due November 25th

The entire pregnancy we were preparing ourselves for this day.
November 25th.

The day I tested positive at home I downloaded pregnancy apps and they all said 11/25/13 was his due date, and the doctor confirmed it a few days later.
Originally we freaked out thinking great, were going to be bringing home a baby on thanksgiving, but honestly we didn't care...we thought we were going to have a baby.
We actually kind of giggled at ourselves thinking seriously?! , our little family is just cursed when it comes to holidays. James and I have the same exact birthday, our anniversary is Halloween, why not bring a baby home on Thanksgiving!

But that was not the case.

We only had 10 days to go.

10, 14, and 25 are such terrible numbers to me now.

I cringe when people have countdowns.
Especially pregnancy countdowns...

I was excitedly counting down too, only to be blindsided and have things go terribly wrong...

Today is just as painful to me as the 14th.
Its a day full of should, could and would haves.

Its a day we should be celebrating, not looking back at and saying "we should have had you"

Its a day of what ifs.

What if I had actually had you,
what if you amazingly came exactly on your due date...

What if....

I ask myself that everyday.

One Year

1 year
52 weeks
365 days
8760 hours
525,600 minutes
31,536,000 seconds

A year ago I learned I had lost my son. 

I woke up that morning just grabbing at my stomach. 

Its like my body knew,

my scar hurt so bad. 

I hadn't slept the night before at all 

in fact I was on the couch till 5 am then finally crawled into bed 

only to be awake till 8.

I couldn't stay in bed and cry anymore. 

I woke up to it being sunny. 

A year ago it was pouring down rain.

I remember everything about that day.

I made myself eat 

did the dishes

did random shit around the house to keep busy 

then finally sat down to watch tv...all while crying

it was like a faucet was turned on at midnight and I couldn't turn it off. 

I had turned my phone off the night before at 7...

there were so many txts calls facebook notifications and whatever else coming in  

that I just didn't even want to deal with it.

I knew it all came from a good place

but it was all just too much.

Someone rang the doorbell around 10am 

and left flowers

but I didn't answer the door. 

James finally woke up and came out 

and I told him that I needed to do something

I couldn't sit here and cry all day. 

I could have done it no problem,

and there were times when we were out that I just randomly burst into tears

but I felt that I needed to be busy.

In all honesty 

it feels as if all the work I did this past year
to get to where I am 

in one day 

was flushed down the drain. 

I am back
to where I was that day.

asking why.

crying over everything. 

not wanting to talk or do anything. 

but putting on the face...
and doing it so well I still trick everyone including myself. 

My phone is off

I just have nothing to say

and I don't have any answers to all the questions.

I wish more then anything my son was here and that I never had/have to feel this pain.

"They say time heals all wounds, but I do not agree."

It hurts just as bad as that day,
obviously the shock in all of it is gone,
we know our son in gone.
Its just still so hard to believe.
We knew that this day was coming
but it still hurts like hell.

525,600 minutes.
I knew how many minutes from the song "Seasons of Love" in Rent.
However I never thought that I would ever measure a year
in how many months had passed since I lost my son

It was all supposed to be different.

The night

Dropping my dad off on Monday was the beginning of it all.
He had come up almost a year ago to the day.
I was driving home from Burlington and a song came over my phone and I lost it.
I was crying so hard I could barely even see the road and had to pull over.
That one song brought me back to that place last year...
My anxiety about that day coming again is through the roof.
So much so I really haven't been able to function.
I woke up today physically sick.
I know it is a combination of my stress, anxiety and my body just can't deal with it all right now.
I was watching TV nothing sad or emotional and just started crying.
It just hits you and there is nothing you can do about it.
Trying to have some kind of control over it only makes it worse.
So yet again, I'm silently crying as my husband sleeps.
Trying not to wake him.
As I do
Almost every single night.

The Morning After

Today hit me like a ton of bricks.

I think it firstly was painful due to it being the morning after Halloween,
which is a very child oriented holiday.

I did pretty good about keeping myself off Facebook and instagram yesterday, because honestly,
I was not wanting to see all the other kids in their Halloween costumes.
Or the endless amount of pictures from parents excited about taking their kid out for the first time.

That was supposed to be me.

As terrible as it sounds I am thankful our anniversary is Halloween.
We didn't have to be home for the few (if any) trick or treater's that came by our house.
I was able to stay away from the majority of the festivities yesterday, which I know at this point my heart and head still can't handle. 

Yesterday, James and I both said it,
It felt like deja vu.
The day was super rainy, but by the time we went to dinner and left the island, the sun was shining.
Exactly like last year.
However our dinner discussion was quite different.
Last year we were talking about all the things we couldn't wait to do with Bug.
At that time we were (what we thought) 24 days away from meeting our son.
How Halloween wouldn't be our day anymore and how excited we would be to take him out just like the other parents.....
But sadly we met him just 14 days later....
Which brings me to November 1st.

Ugh its already November.
The month I've dreaded all year long.
The month I never thought would get here.

And the month that is already bringing me back to that place of grief and mourning that I had been working so hard this past year to "get through".

Ive previously compared grief to a life game of chutes and ladders....

Needless to say the last few moves have been nothing but chutes.

On the 14th the "game" starts.
All.
Over.
Again.

Monday Morning/ Bear for Bug Part 3

Monday Mornings I think are dreaded by everyone.

All for different reasons.

However I was dreading but looking forward to this particular Monday morning. 

On October 16th I was notified from the manager of the funeral home that we used  for Bug, that they were moved by what James and I were doing for Molly Bears, and  had ordered 100 bears. 

As soon as they got them delivered, they would get them to us. 

(I obviously was waiting to get the bears to announce anything) 

I randomly burst into tears multiple times yesterday.

Remembering all the reasons we were there last year.

remembering having to pick out his urn,

to seeing him for the first and last time.

to picking up his cremains in that tiny little gold box 

and leaving that day, December 5th

to think I would never set foot in that place again. 

I got no sleep last night. I was so anxious about going back there. 

I've blogged about it before, but living in a small town there are only a few ways to get to specific places.

I for almost a year, avoided that street, because seeing the funeral home would bring me immediately back to that day, that place, and those feelings. 

But today I had no choice. 

I got ready this morning, ate breakfast and tried to keep calm.

I got in the car just fine.

I made it down the street just fine.

Until we pulled up to their driveway.

James was driving and immediately after turning in 

my c section scar started hurting

as if I was a few weeks post op and still healing. 

My eyes began watering and I couldn't even hide it at that point. 

That tiny little driveway brought me back

just like I was afraid it was going to. 

I eventually, after trying to get my shit together, got out of the car and made it up to the door. 

James opened it, as he did all those times before, and we walked in.

When you first walk in, straight ahead of you is the main chapel, where we first saw Bug.

To the left, their office, the room with all the urn samples and to the right some couches. 

As I turned the corner, I saw the couch, covered in the bears, and began laughing and saying oh my gosh! 

100 bears is quite the sight to see.

The manager Mark came out and shook James hand and I went in for the very tearful,very grateful, hug.

The bears were packed up 

small talk was made

and brought out to the car in 3 boxes. 

Hugs and handshakes were again given, and we left, tearful and wondering if we would be back there. 

James took me to coffee for a little date and to unwind before we went home.

And I again teared up thinking

Look at all that Bug has done.

Look at all my son has accomplished.

Pumpkin Patch

James and I went to the pumpkin patch.

And it was just as painful as I thought it would be.
There was a little pre school there on a field trip.
Parents pulling their kids in red wagons,bundled up in super cute fall clothes.
And the little kids were taking forever to pick out the perfect pumpkin.

Bug would be 11 months, sitting in one of those wagons, and picking out his first pumpkin...
Of course we got pumpkins.
Then pumpkins for the girls.
And a white pumpkin for Bug.

A Bear for Bug Part 2

I am still in shock
it is going so well.
I honestly almost called it off a few days before starting it.
I had a massive panic attack about it all and was ready to throw in the towel.

But that wouldn't have been fair to Bug.

To me this is not just a drive.

To have to explain to someone that I'm doing a memorial drive for what should have been my sons first birthday absolutely kills me.

I wish I was picking a theme and invites, party favors, little decorations, a smash cake and whatever else.

But I don't get to do that.

The only thing that makes it a little better is Bug is helping other babies and families.

Bug is putting awareness on pregnancy loss.

Bug is still loved and remembered a year later.

Bug is making a diffence in the world.

Look at all you've done Bug. 

Mommy is so proud. 

A Bear For Bug

We are very excited to announce our bear drive for Bug.
Its both a way to celebrate his upcoming birthday while also helping other families in their grieving process.
All donations will be benefiting Molly Bears, a non profit and volunteer run organization that makes weighted memorial bears for families that have lost their child.

Online donations can be made at

www.gofundme.com/bearforbug

Any donation big or small is greatly appreciated in celebrating Bug and helping other families in need.

Love always
Bug, Marisa and James!

11 Months

47 weeks

334 days

8016 hours

480,960 minutes

28,857,600 seconds 

It hitting me so much harder this month then I thought it would. 

The first of October came and it was like a switch was turned on

and I felt so different. 

I just want to curl up in a ball and hide until January. 

The holidays are so hard for people that are grieving.

Everyone around you is excited for the festivities 

except you.

Had the circumstances been different I would have been celebrating with you.

Halloween is unfortunately the first of all the holidays.

James and I would be excitedly thinking of his first Halloween costume.

We would be getting ready for his first hay ride and trip to the pumpkin patch...

I remember last Halloween excitedly celebrating what was our last anniversary alone.

I remember making him his own little Bug pumpkin, which will have a whole different meaning this year.

It took everything for me not to scream at a friend

who had the nerve to ask me what her kid should be for Halloween.

I know she meant no harm.

No one ever does...

and I understand that alot of people think that I should be "over it" by now

but its not anything I will ever get over.

Bugs Bear Part 2

I want to make something clear
I am not unhappy about getting my bear.
I know my last blog (to some readers) 
came off as thought I was upset about it and didn't like it.

That was not the case at all. 

It was just the painful emotional and physical connections 
that the weighted bear gave me the first time that I held it.
I was explaining how I felt about it 
no filter
raw emotions and feelings 
of holding that bear for the first time
and what it meant to me

I love it.
I think its perfect.
I think Bug is perfect.
I think all of it is perfect. 

What this organization is able to give to people 
after having lost their child is amazing. 

I never got my moment.

I never got to give birth to my son 
and to have him be put into my arms for the first time. 

Molly Bears gave that to me.

Did it hurt like hell because I thought he would be 
screaming into my face and wriggling around

Absolutely. 

But in that moment

at the doorway of my house

I finally had my moment... 

Bug's Molly Bear

Saturday October 3rd
I was dreading/anxiously awaiting 3pm.
Earlier in the week I was emailed by the lady in charge of making my Molly Bear for Bug aka my Bug Bear.

She said that it would be done on Thursday, 

but with James still being gone I asked if she could drop it off that weekend 

so he could be home for it as well.

When I heard a car door shut

immediately there was a lump in my throat. 

We were house sitting my bosses french bulldogs 

so James was still on the couch holding them back

leaving me to open the door. 

As many of you know, we never held Bug in the hospital.

I was so wrapped up in my emotions 

and honestly didn't think that James wanted to 

so the first time we saw him was at the funeral home to verify his remains...

That is my one and biggest regret in how the passing of my son was handled.

I had previously been told about Molly Bears by a nurse from the hospital 
and a few other people that we got in contact to after Bug passed.
I honestly was so angry I didn't know how a bear would help me 
mend the complete and utter mess my life and heart was in...

I didn't know what 5lbs 8oz would feel like

and I was so nervous reaching out to actually take the bear....

the bear that was the same weight as my baby 

a bear that was the same weight as my son. 

I managed to keep my shit together while she was there.

She told us how she got to be involved with Molly Bears.

How the founder used to live here in Oak Harbor and they were friends

How her daughter passed a month after being born,

and how her angelversary was exactly October 3rd. 

So she said it was nice to be able to help another family in need

on that particular day. 

Its like her daughter came full circle. 

She finally left and we shut the door 

and thats when James took the bear.

And I immediately lost my shit. 

I didn't think that it would hurt that bad. 

I didn't think that a tiny little bear would kick up such feelings and emotions.

I sat him on the table and just stared at him.

Feeling the buttons and his fur,

(we were both very happy it was a brown bear...weird I know) 

and thinking how weird it was that the bear was exactly the same size as what was once my baby. 

The tv was on since James was watching football 

and I thought that he was watching it 

leaving me to cry but later he admitted

he was sitting there watching me 

let me have my moment...

I managed to start off with the "pretty" cry

since we were going to go run errands 

and possibly go to dinner,

but I eventually stormed into my room

to go into the full fledged ugly cry

The gut wrenching cry where you just want to scream

and where nothing you do will make it stop.

The cry where your whole body is involved 

you cant see, breathe or care that you cant do either.

The cry that you want to keep behind closed doors

but when grieving seems to hit you at the worst places

and times. 

James crawled into bed and just held me.

I was getting makeup spit and snot all over my pillows and his clothes

and all I could keep saying was 

"I didnt know it would hurt so bad..."

www.mollybears.com 

Marimba + PSL= Tears

Theres an Iphone alarm that sounds like marimbas
and out of nowhere my phone (which is deactivated) went off

and immediately I burst into tears...

After coming home from the hospital
there were a slew of pain meds, antibiotics, bathroom breaks and mini walks I had to take
to keep from being in pain and for my over all recovery.
James had an alarm set on his phone for all of these things
and it was to that damn song.

All it takes is a sound, a smell, a noise or a twinge of my scar
to take me back to that awful time.

The change in the seasons hasn't helped either.
This time last year I was 2 months away from
having a baby
or so I thought.

I went to Starbucks a few weeks ago with my husband for a little coffee date
and before I could stop myself
ordered a pumpkin spice latte

One stupid little cup of coffee had me in tears at the table.

I've come to that point in my grief to where I don't care where I am
I cry
I get it out
I give no fucks if you are to judge me for being sad
You don't know my story or where I came from.
I will fully own my ugly Oprah cry
snot, tears, make up running and all.

We need never be ashamed of our tears.

Charles Dickens

10 Months

43 weeks

304 days

7296 hours

437760 minutes

26,265,600 seconds 

As I've said before 

it feels as if it just happened yesterday. 

Other people are hitting mile stones with their babies

and it just stings...

I live in a military town 

and there are pregnant people everywhere. 

3 or more people in James division are pregnant

and someone else just had twins...

I should be planning his first Halloween costume.

Maybe making it match with the dogs or James and I 

We would be planning our first trip to the pumpkin patch. 

And it sucks

because we aren't.

These are just a handful of the things that I think about on a daily basis....

that just seem to be exaggerated on the 14th of every month...

Its not going to get easier

The upcoming months are going to be worse...

I just dont know how Im going to handle it. 

Baby Shower

A year ago was my baby shower
I remember my sister having pretty much everything done before I moved home
and her being so thrilled to throw it for me.
I remember excitedly making the shower invites with my Meatball

I remember telling everyone that our Bug was a boy.

I remember all of my closest friends and family being there
sharing in the excitement of what was supposed to be
never thinking that in two months
everything would change...

I still hadn't wrapped my head around the whole
you are about to have a baby
thing.

I know that I cant ever put myself through another baby shower.
I have turned down every invite since, and honestly people can't blame me.

It really sucks that I still have a room full of all his things
that will never be used....

What is that?

For the first time yesterday, 

I met someone who didn't know what a stillborn was. 

I had even explained, I lost my son at 38 weeks, which I thought was pretty self explanatory, but I guess it wasn't. 

I knew what a stillborn was at the age of 18 from working at a vet clinic. 

Pregnant cat and dogs that have puppies or kittens that dont make it are also called still borns, however ultrasounds aren't done so you can't usually tell till they are born. 

I can honestly say I was never told my entire pregnancy to look out for anything abnormal. I had a completely normal pregnancy minus the excessive vomiting, so no one was overly concerned. 

I know that they discuss miscarriages on a regular basis. 

So when I asked why stillbirth  isnt part of "pregnancy education" it's been said it's not discussed as to not frighten the mother.

I would rather know what to do or look out for then be completely blindsided like I was. 

I think all complications no matter what they are should be discussed.

 

Coco Butter

My hands were dry

and I wanted lotion. 

I didn't even realize what I was reaching for 

until a glob of it was pumped out into my hand 

The smell overwhelmed my nostrils

And the tears took over my eyes and face. 

A glob of lotion put me in that place.

Where I was newly pregnant terrified of getting stretch marks and rubbing that shit on me any chance I got. 

I was so neauseous and every smell got to me but no matter how sick I was I would put that lotion on. 

I slowly started using more and more of it as he grew, making sure every bit of my belly was covered....

just as I did that morning....

The last morning I used that lotion.

That smell used to make me happy. 

But now I feel as if my skin is burning and want nothing more then to shower and get it off of me. 

9 months

9 months 
38 weeks 
272 days 
6528 hours
391,680 minutes 
23,500,800 seconds 

since
I was told 
I lost my son.
When the 13th lands on a Wednesday 

I think it's the hardest. 

Knowing that the 14th is on a Thursday just kills me. 

I for the life of me yesterday 

could not get my shit together. 

I was crying over every little thing. 

Had a panic attack while driving so bad I had to pull over on the side of the road. 

The weather was just like that day. 

I had a knot in my stomach which in turn made me sick 

Like I was that day. 

And to top it all off he's been gone 9 months 

exactly 38 weeks. 

9,38,14 are all bad numbers to me now. 

In the time that's hes been gone

is exactly the time I actually had him.

I still don't think that I will ever be ok with the reality that I am a childless mother.             

Bugs Star

A star package from the international star registry was given to us in honor of Bug a few months back. 

We still don't know who donated it but we love it none the less. 

A friend of mine went with me to get it framed and I've had it, nicely wrapped, in the spare bedroom since. 

I didn't know how I would feel about it finally having it hung and displayed in the house, but James finally put it up on Sunday. 

I can't say the feeling that came over me once it was hung was closure 

I don't think I will ever have that 

but maybe that of acceptance? 

Of course it was tearful.  

My heart felt heavy. 

I would much rather be hanging up his pictures, not a memorial star. 

But it's there, right when you come in the house 

for everyone to see

and it feels like we have a little piece of him there with us always 

🐛⭐️💔

Closure...or lack there of

When someone dies in crime dramas, it seems as thought all avenues are investigated and looked into. 

Crime scenes are meticulously combed over for evidence and most of the time, families are given answers as to what happened.

Someone is charged and the families get some kind of closure. 

When Bug died there was none of that. 

A full panel of blood was run on us both and an autopsy was performed on him. 

And we still have no answers. 

I am continuously told not to blame myself. 

But how can I not. It was my job to keep himsafe. 

I think what hurts the most with child loss and especially still borns is the fact that we don't get answers. Yes there are some cases where there were genetic diseases or chord accidents but again, that wasn't our situation. 

I'm just tired of constantly asking myself why. 

Feelings...all up in them

I was all up in my feelings the past two days. 

I think it was a combination of the cool weather feeling like fall,

the smell of my vanilla cupcake candles, 

and it almost feeling like I was about to have a baby... 

I know I'm not, but it's those tiny things that can take you back to that one place. When everything was ok. 

Or so we thought. 

8 Months

34 weeks

242 days 

5808 hours 

348,480 minutes 

20,908,800 seconds. 

All that time and seriously, it feels like it happened yesterday. 

A year ago we had just found out what he was, and I was getting ready to move back home. 

We excitedly walked around babies r us and did our registry and I was happily eating all the cheeseburgers I could put in my face. 

I still can't eat one without getting teary eyed... 

So True (::GRAPHIC PHOTO & CONTROVERSIAL POST::)

It's another one of those "things" that people say when they think it is comforting and, it again, is most hurtful. 

I am not a religious person in the slightest. 

Never was and never will be. 

I did not find any comfort in prayers or religion during my loss.

There was and is no amount of praying in the world that will bring my son back. 

However, I was polite and gracious to the people that did find comfort in that way and prayed over James Bug and myself.  

There is a great scene in the Return to Zero movie that says everything I feel when people would pull the God card on me. 

Annie: I saw you across the room and I was moved to say something. What happened doesn't make sense, not to us. God's will is impossible for us to understand, but he wants you to know he loves you and your son.

I pray that you realize that God has a light for each of us to follow, to find our way to his plan, a plan which is perfect in every single way. 

Maggie: (sarcastically) Tell me more about this perfect plan.

Annie: It's a mystery.

Maggie: It IS a mystery.

Annie: It is, but it is perfect, you must have faith in that.

Maggie: So you're telling me, Gods perfect plan,for me, is to suffer a loss so great, so devastating. that I would loose my faith in God, is that right?! Because that is a mystery!

I have come to the point where people say things like that and I, like Maggie, bite back.

I can't help it. 

I know I shouldn't. 

But in all honesty, if no ones says anything, the stigma, taboo and keeping such a topic as this "hush hush" will never change.

Nor will people change how to treat the parents after such a loss.

I have spoken to other bereaved mothers who, like I, did not find comfort in things like that being said.

But honestly, there is no energy left to fight the things being said when your loss is so fresh. 

All you can is thank you.

And thats what I did...and still say. 

Please let us mourn, grieve and come to some kind of understanding on our own. 

Do what you need to do to cope. 

But please don't force your thoughts, feelings and beliefs on me. 

A Festive Fourth

James and I walked the parade with my work today and handed out frisbees. ( I don't think it helped that I saw every pregnant lady known to man sitting with her family or newborn) 

We then went out to lunch with everyone from the parade and then to a friends BBQ. It all made for a great day and I rather enjoyed myself, 

But in the back of my mind was the thought Bug should be here. 

He probly would've loved the parade and all the dogs. We would've put him in a wagon or a stroller and pushed him along  with us and blinged it all out. 

He would've been at the BBQ with all the other people and their kids.

We wouldn't be that weird couple with no children. 

I would've loved to have seen what his reactions to fireworks would be at 8 months old. 

Wether he would be completely terrified or mesmerized by the bright lights colors and sounds. 

But again, it's not my reality. 

Holidays just leave an awful feeling and bitter taste. 

The hardest holidays have yet to come...

Settled Dust

Reaching for my water bottle to get a drink, 

My hand brushed over Bugs urn 

And there was a little dust on it 

So naturally 

I cleaned it off, then lost my shit. 

My son shouldn't be in a box.

My son should not be collecting dust. 

It's a never ending cycle of kicking up settled dust. 

Literally and now figuratively. 

I miss her

(song starts at :49 seconds)


Alot of people have reached out to me and said
I miss you
and in all honesty I want to reply with
I miss me too...but Im still here.
Barely.

I almost find it easier to explain things in music/song.
Jessie J has a way with words that just is unreal.
I know that I have been distant
but Im sorry
my life
and I
will never be the same

Are there days that I still feel that Ill loose myself in all of this....
I dont even think I need to answer that.

You will always be his dad.

Dear James , 

I know that this is not how you imagined what was supposed to be your first Father's Day. Last year at this time, we were pregnant, and anxiously awaiting his arrival and all of our firsts. 

I, more then anyone, wish this day was different for you. But know that when we finally have a baby, you will be one hell of a dad. 

Da bitches and I are thankful for everything you do. 

I love you and you will always be Bug's dad. 

🐛💔⭐️

7 Months/Fathers Day

   7 months 

30 weeks 

212 days 

5088 hours 

305,280 minutes 

18,316,800 seconds 

Things aren't getting any easier 
some days it feels like it was just yesterday 
I cant shake the feeling that something still isnt right. 

The little things still get me 
the fact that we were going to get Bug
a little swimming pool to wade in 
and instead we got one for the dogs

The fact that tomorrow is Fathers Day 
and last year on this day 
we were anxiously awaiting our little boy
and looking forward to whatever Bug and I 
decided to do for James. 

And I wanted to buy them matching bow ties. 

Theres just the daily painful reminder that we don't have our son. 
Thanks....

Bug's Box Part 2

His box came way faster then I thought it would 

I was hoping I would have some time to process it 

Luckily a friend was over and I was off to get my nails done so I didn't have to be there 

But then I thought how selfish of me 

Poor James is home alone putting together the box for his things...

But on the other side of things maybe James needed this time for reflection and a sense of closure. After all it was his job to find the box and put it together which I never thought would happen so soon...but it did...

Later that night when we went to bed 

I walked into our bedroom to see his little toy chest all put together. 

It perfectly matches our bedroom and his nursery. We just have to make the plaque 

And then it's done.....

For now...

Bug's Box

James was in charge of getting a chest of some kind for Bug's things that we wanted to keep

his memory box 

his pictures

his clothes and bedding.

He came to me this morning saying he had just purchased this chest

and it was weird. 

Things are starting to really be final.

He is really gone.

After all this time of saying I would never put him and his things in a box

we will. 

The chest will be in our room 

and hes getting a little gold plaque 

with his name and such on it

but it just hadn't been brought up in so long

I just never thought it would happen...

Things Happen

I was told again 

"Things happen for a reason"


Things dont happen for a reason
and if Im told that again
I am totally going to go off on someone about it.

I had a dream that I went off on someone 
who again told me stupid shit about Bug 
and damn it felt great
and the times that I had held my tongue 
is getting too much.

Things happen for a reason...
ugh....

Six Months

25 weeks

181 days

4344 hours

260,640 minutes

15,638,400 seconds 

and not a second goes by that I dont think about my Bug. 

This was an extremely painful month with Mothers Day and other friends announcing pregnancies 

and to think that I was supposed to have a now 6 month old baby boy. 

I know its repetitive and probably tiresome to hear

but its the truth. 

There isnt a moment that goes by that you dont think about the child that you just lost.

It is getting easier: a little

I have more things distracting me on a day to day basis.

But once I get home for work 

there is nothing but time alone

to think.

and want

and wish....

Mothers Day

The day is here and it stings 

like I knew it would. 

James would've bought some cheesy card and flowers and say it was from Bug. 

And of course I would've loved it.

Knowing him he probly woulda made me breakfast in bed and let me sleep in while he took care of the dogs and baby. 

But I'm alone today with the dogs, having just dropped off James to go to California for schooling. 

Ain't that the icing on the cake. 

Slacking

I realize in the past few weeks 
my post have been few and far between. 
Between  full time work and daily life
I find myself super busy.

However I have found a "happy place" in my new job
full of coworkers I like seeing on a day to day basis 
and who understand if I'm just not having it that day.

I had started a new diet in April 
and am rather proud of myself for sticking to it
and loving the results support and changes thus far.

Just because life still goes on
does not mean that I don't think about him
and it doesn't hurt
or make me feel guilty.

There are daily reminders that just 
hit the right spot in your stomach 
where your heart sinks 
and you are holding back tears.

People are still getting pregnant left and right
It still stings when you hear it or see it
but its getting better
Since its not a fresh wound anymore... 

But "it", 
whatever "it" is
is getting "better"

I have to remind myself that I can't take on tomorrow when today isn't even finished yet.

National Bereaved Mothers Day

Who knew there was a day put aside just for us grieving mothers. 

It's not like we don't already think about what should of and could have been. 

It doesn't make it hurt any less...

And I find it rather ironic it's a week before Mother's Day... 

It was just interesting to stumble across today. 

It's been a hell of a day. 

That's for sure. 

Fresh Air

Being gone from our house for a week
and with new candles and such I want to burn
I thought it would be a good idea to air out the house.

I opened all the windows and doors

except his

I hate that I can see the sunlight
coming through the window
poking out underneath his door.
I so badly wish that I could have him on my hip
walking around the house with me and the dogs
cleaning and waiting for daddy to get home....

But Im just sitting here
letting the dogs run in and out of the house
watching Hannibal
and staring at the carpet
where my son should be
having tummy time

Medium Reading

:::::::CONTROVERSIAL POST:::::::

I give you one and one chance only to turn away and not read this.
If you have shit to say, I dont want to hear it.
Each family has a different way of dealing with child loss
and this is what we wanted to do.




James and I saw a medium while we were home in Portland.
I had asked a very close family friend whose son had passed
who she had gone to and called to make an appointment in January.
At the time, the medium said she was booked until June/July.
I said ok Ill take the first available appointment.
10 minutes later her assistant called and said
I know this is a long shot, but we had a cancelation April 23rd, any chance you could make that?

How ironic that we would be home, and we had last year announced we were preggo 2 days before.

Of course I took the appointment and gave her my phone number and first name.
That was it.
And then we waited.

It was a very personal experience and a lot of people came and spoke to us.
Because it was personal the details of the experience Im not going to share,
But a lot of questions were answered, but at the same time if kicked up some
unsettled dust.

She was right on with pretty much everything which was really creepy
but so cool at the same time.

I hope that we can go back to her sometime and see what more information she has for us.

She did say that she felt a girl coming soon....
I kinda sorta really hope that happens soon!