Closure...or lack there of

When someone dies in crime dramas, it seems as thought all avenues are investigated and looked into. 

Crime scenes are meticulously combed over for evidence and most of the time, families are given answers as to what happened.

Someone is charged and the families get some kind of closure. 

When Bug died there was none of that. 

A full panel of blood was run on us both and an autopsy was performed on him. 

And we still have no answers. 

I am continuously told not to blame myself. 

But how can I not. It was my job to keep himsafe. 

I think what hurts the most with child loss and especially still borns is the fact that we don't get answers. Yes there are some cases where there were genetic diseases or chord accidents but again, that wasn't our situation. 

I'm just tired of constantly asking myself why. 

Feelings...all up in them

I was all up in my feelings the past two days. 

I think it was a combination of the cool weather feeling like fall,

the smell of my vanilla cupcake candles, 

and it almost feeling like I was about to have a baby... 

I know I'm not, but it's those tiny things that can take you back to that one place. When everything was ok. 

Or so we thought. 

8 Months

34 weeks

242 days 

5808 hours 

348,480 minutes 

20,908,800 seconds. 

All that time and seriously, it feels like it happened yesterday. 

A year ago we had just found out what he was, and I was getting ready to move back home. 

We excitedly walked around babies r us and did our registry and I was happily eating all the cheeseburgers I could put in my face. 

I still can't eat one without getting teary eyed... 

So True (::GRAPHIC PHOTO & CONTROVERSIAL POST::)

It's another one of those "things" that people say when they think it is comforting and, it again, is most hurtful. 

I am not a religious person in the slightest. 

Never was and never will be. 

I did not find any comfort in prayers or religion during my loss.

There was and is no amount of praying in the world that will bring my son back. 

However, I was polite and gracious to the people that did find comfort in that way and prayed over James Bug and myself.  

There is a great scene in the Return to Zero movie that says everything I feel when people would pull the God card on me. 

Annie: I saw you across the room and I was moved to say something. What happened doesn't make sense, not to us. God's will is impossible for us to understand, but he wants you to know he loves you and your son.

I pray that you realize that God has a light for each of us to follow, to find our way to his plan, a plan which is perfect in every single way. 

Maggie: (sarcastically) Tell me more about this perfect plan.

Annie: It's a mystery.

Maggie: It IS a mystery.

Annie: It is, but it is perfect, you must have faith in that.

Maggie: So you're telling me, Gods perfect plan,for me, is to suffer a loss so great, so devastating. that I would loose my faith in God, is that right?! Because that is a mystery!

I have come to the point where people say things like that and I, like Maggie, bite back.

I can't help it. 

I know I shouldn't. 

But in all honesty, if no ones says anything, the stigma, taboo and keeping such a topic as this "hush hush" will never change.

Nor will people change how to treat the parents after such a loss.

I have spoken to other bereaved mothers who, like I, did not find comfort in things like that being said.

But honestly, there is no energy left to fight the things being said when your loss is so fresh. 

All you can is thank you.

And thats what I did...and still say. 

Please let us mourn, grieve and come to some kind of understanding on our own. 

Do what you need to do to cope. 

But please don't force your thoughts, feelings and beliefs on me. 

A Festive Fourth

James and I walked the parade with my work today and handed out frisbees. ( I don't think it helped that I saw every pregnant lady known to man sitting with her family or newborn) 

We then went out to lunch with everyone from the parade and then to a friends BBQ. It all made for a great day and I rather enjoyed myself, 

But in the back of my mind was the thought Bug should be here. 

He probly would've loved the parade and all the dogs. We would've put him in a wagon or a stroller and pushed him along  with us and blinged it all out. 

He would've been at the BBQ with all the other people and their kids.

We wouldn't be that weird couple with no children. 

I would've loved to have seen what his reactions to fireworks would be at 8 months old. 

Wether he would be completely terrified or mesmerized by the bright lights colors and sounds. 

But again, it's not my reality. 

Holidays just leave an awful feeling and bitter taste. 

The hardest holidays have yet to come...