Fresh Air

Being gone from our house for a week
and with new candles and such I want to burn
I thought it would be a good idea to air out the house.

I opened all the windows and doors

except his

I hate that I can see the sunlight
coming through the window
poking out underneath his door.
I so badly wish that I could have him on my hip
walking around the house with me and the dogs
cleaning and waiting for daddy to get home....

But Im just sitting here
letting the dogs run in and out of the house
watching Hannibal
and staring at the carpet
where my son should be
having tummy time

Medium Reading

:::::::CONTROVERSIAL POST:::::::

I give you one and one chance only to turn away and not read this.
If you have shit to say, I dont want to hear it.
Each family has a different way of dealing with child loss
and this is what we wanted to do.




James and I saw a medium while we were home in Portland.
I had asked a very close family friend whose son had passed
who she had gone to and called to make an appointment in January.
At the time, the medium said she was booked until June/July.
I said ok Ill take the first available appointment.
10 minutes later her assistant called and said
I know this is a long shot, but we had a cancelation April 23rd, any chance you could make that?

How ironic that we would be home, and we had last year announced we were preggo 2 days before.

Of course I took the appointment and gave her my phone number and first name.
That was it.
And then we waited.

It was a very personal experience and a lot of people came and spoke to us.
Because it was personal the details of the experience Im not going to share,
But a lot of questions were answered, but at the same time if kicked up some
unsettled dust.

She was right on with pretty much everything which was really creepy
but so cool at the same time.

I hope that we can go back to her sometime and see what more information she has for us.

She did say that she felt a girl coming soon....
I kinda sorta really hope that happens soon!

"Need Mothers Day Gift Ideas?!"

No 

No I don't 

I'm not a mom

Just another holiday I won't be participating in this year... 

All the places I registered for like Baby R Us and diapers.com are sending Mother's Day coupons and gift ideas... 

Ouch. 

Not that they know first hand what happened...but fuck...

Thanks for pouring salt on the wound. 

I also am getting sick of hearing about other people and their pregnancies... 

Just spare me the details heart ache and awkward silence. 

I'm not in any place to say congratulations, be happy or excited for them or to care how things are going...

And I'm not good at faking that shit. 

5 months/April 21st

22 weeks
158 days
3792 hours
227,520 minutes
13,651,200 seconds


James and I had a present for you 

Come the end of November our baby was due

We though how cute would it be to let everyone know at midnight on our birthday we would be having a baby... 

We didn't think it would end the way it did. 

We never thought looking forward to our 25th birthday would hurt so much. 

We are supposed to have a 5 month old baby boy, visiting grandma and grandpa in Portland, seeing my sister spoiling him, him having his first Easter basket yesterday and us actually enjoying our birthday. 

Obviously that has not been the case at all...

Birthdays don't still well with me anymore. 

I just hate them. 

Here's to being 25 I guess. 

Easter

It took everything for me not to buy 

a cute little three piece suit the other day

or a blue basket to fill full of candy I know James would eat and baby toys for Bug. 

I again won't have the pictures on the frodge of the creepy Easter bunny and my son, or him and James in cheesy matching Easter outfits.  

And it just so happens that two holidays are back to back and I'm not ready of either today being Easter or tomorrow being mine and James birthday.  

I just want it to be Tuesday already. 

I just want the days to not hurt as much 

and to go back to when holidays weren't such a big deal... 

I'm pretty sure that won't ever happen. 

Changing Tables & Hotel Reservations

I walk in an out of public restrooms all the time

Who doesn't 

But the walking in is always the hard part

Because of the changing tables. 

You never think of little things like that 

Until it's shoved in your face time after time

I was in Target the other day
and saw this lady
with her son
changing his diaper
and for the first time it got to me.

James and I got a hotel for our birthday
and its weird
they ask how for your reservation
how many adults
and how many kids
and I didn't even realize I hit 1 kid
till they asked how many beds we needed
or if they would need to accommodate the room for a crib...


UGH...

 

Gummy Bear

A year ago today 

I had the first look at my son. 

At the time I didn't know he was a boy, 

it just looked like a little gummy bear

with a little grey flicker on the screen where his heart beat was. 

I was laughing, James was crying 

and we both had never been happier or more scared in our lives. 

Everyone said that you had the best ultrasound picture they had ever seen.

Daddy made you his screensaver for months, and I just kept staring at you in awe of what was happening in my body. 

Today hurts, just like everyday does, but I will never forget the first time I met you...and how happy we were to finally meet you.

You betta watch yourself.....

I think it is most hurtful
and honestly disgusting
when our own family members
do not understand the pain that we are going through
and think that at this point in time we should
"be over it already"

Its been 5 fucking months
give me a break....

talk badly about me
fine do it
Im a big girl
Im used to it at this point

But you are asking for shit
when you come at my husband
or you say things about me
that are outright lies.

I hope to god
you are never in this situation
having to feel
how we feel every day.

I am enough of a woman to respect my husbands wishes
and not confront you myself
but if I am ever in a room alone with you
you bet your ass
I will tell you everything Ive been holding in for all this time.

My Girls

The dogs do this really weird thing with their toys and its starting to creep me out.
When we first made Bugs room they would come in
sniff around
sit on the baby chair
and just walk around being all
why are mom and dad spending so much time in here?

After everything happened,
they still run around but realize they haven't been in that room a long time.
Now they run around like mad
but throughout the day, stack all their dog toys next to Bugs door.
Not in the hallway
but literally, right in front of Bugs door...
touching it...

Last week I couldn't find Phoebe for an hour
thinking
oh maybe she went and laid down in her kennel.
Nope she was perched
as if on watch
in front of Bugs door....


This morning I caught Baby Chi
throwing her duck at the door
as if playing fetch with it.
They don't do this to any other door in the house
and we keep all the doors closed.

I don't think of myself as one of those crazy pet owners
but seriously
will all this happening
I think they since his absence/presence...
its just really weird...

Another one of "those" days

Its another one of those days...
where I cant get away from babies
the talk of babies
the seeing of babies
or anything babies
and
I
want
to
scream.

Most days Im "ok" and am able to control it...but today is just not one of those days....

Not only have there been multiple break downs today at the house
there was one at the Nex
another on the way home
and another as I am sitting here writing this...

I just dont fucking get it anymore
I really dont.
And trying to understand it or explain it
is another battle I dont even want to try to fight anymore.

Doppler

At my new job I get to monitor patients under anesthesia.
hook them up to oxygen, get the fluids started,
prep the surgery site,
make sure they are warm and breathing

and make sure their heart is still beating.

It rather ironic that I remember to hook up everything else
but I can never remember to put the gel and the doppler on their paw.
I dont know if its because I dont want to hear the heartbeat
or I'm scared that I'm not going to find it.

But no matter if I go through the steps in my head
or read through the steps written down in my little note book
I never remember to put that on...

Its also really weird that it somewhat painful to do pregnancy rads.
In animals the heads/bone structures are counted to see how many puppies are in the litter.
There was a lab that came in earlier this week that we did them on
and I walked by radiology and saw the photos up.

Its weird that I know puppies and kittens can be stillborn
there have been many times I've seen them born so,
but you don't stop to think that babies could be.
And especially yours.

April Fools

I'm glad no one made a stupid posting or comment today about being pregnant.
It also probably helps that I have no one on my Facebook news feed anymore.

No jokes were played on me today
and honestly I don't think they really would have gone over well.

I honestly don't understand what is so great about April Fools.
I don't ever remember pulling jokes on people or making a big deal about it.

It's the beginning of another month. 

And another month for me to count down to the 14th and be sad about that day all over again...