Things Happen

I was told again 

"Things happen for a reason"


Things dont happen for a reason
and if Im told that again
I am totally going to go off on someone about it.

I had a dream that I went off on someone 
who again told me stupid shit about Bug 
and damn it felt great
and the times that I had held my tongue 
is getting too much.

Things happen for a reason...
ugh....

Six Months

25 weeks

181 days

4344 hours

260,640 minutes

15,638,400 seconds 

and not a second goes by that I dont think about my Bug. 

This was an extremely painful month with Mothers Day and other friends announcing pregnancies 

and to think that I was supposed to have a now 6 month old baby boy. 

I know its repetitive and probably tiresome to hear

but its the truth. 

There isnt a moment that goes by that you dont think about the child that you just lost.

It is getting easier: a little

I have more things distracting me on a day to day basis.

But once I get home for work 

there is nothing but time alone

to think.

and want

and wish....

Mothers Day

The day is here and it stings 

like I knew it would. 

James would've bought some cheesy card and flowers and say it was from Bug. 

And of course I would've loved it.

Knowing him he probly woulda made me breakfast in bed and let me sleep in while he took care of the dogs and baby. 

But I'm alone today with the dogs, having just dropped off James to go to California for schooling. 

Ain't that the icing on the cake. 

Slacking

I realize in the past few weeks 
my post have been few and far between. 
Between  full time work and daily life
I find myself super busy.

However I have found a "happy place" in my new job
full of coworkers I like seeing on a day to day basis 
and who understand if I'm just not having it that day.

I had started a new diet in April 
and am rather proud of myself for sticking to it
and loving the results support and changes thus far.

Just because life still goes on
does not mean that I don't think about him
and it doesn't hurt
or make me feel guilty.

There are daily reminders that just 
hit the right spot in your stomach 
where your heart sinks 
and you are holding back tears.

People are still getting pregnant left and right
It still stings when you hear it or see it
but its getting better
Since its not a fresh wound anymore... 

But "it", 
whatever "it" is
is getting "better"

I have to remind myself that I can't take on tomorrow when today isn't even finished yet.

National Bereaved Mothers Day

Who knew there was a day put aside just for us grieving mothers. 

It's not like we don't already think about what should of and could have been. 

It doesn't make it hurt any less...

And I find it rather ironic it's a week before Mother's Day... 

It was just interesting to stumble across today. 

It's been a hell of a day. 

That's for sure.