Not so funny April Fools....

Please think before you post! 

Bugs Star!

A couple of weeks ago I took Bugs star certificate and coordinates to get framed and I got the call that it was done and ready! It turned out perfectly! Thank you for helping me out Adine! 

Mountain Climber

Got up
Worked out
Showered
Got dressed

for a working interview

Did I imagine that I would be working right now in my life
No
Not at all
I should be at home
with my 4 month old son
freaking out about the fact he just rolled over

Do I get anxiety about putting on the face
and making sure Im "normal" today

You fucking bet I do...

But it takes every fiber of my being to normal
on a day to day basis.
And it is beyond mentally and emotionally draining.
Because no one wants to hang out with the girl who is always sad....

Getting out of my bed is the first task of the day to actually get through
that one thing
that seems so little to everyone else
is a monumental moment in my day

And leaving the house is another
and putting on todays face
is another...

I am not making a mountain out of a molehill here people...
Until you've been here you cant say shit...

So today I am a mountainclimber...
Ive climbed 3 mountains so far today...
and its not even 8:30.

Congratulations?

WE ARE NOT PREGNANT OMG....CALM YOURSELVES! 


We went to the urgent care to verify the fact that we were pregnant.
We walked in, and it was nerve wracking actually being told we were pregnant.

Of course I walked in there and didn't have to pee.
Finally they got the sample
and then the wait happened all over again.

I don't know if it was actually hearing from a medical professional that we were indeed expecting.
Or the fact that it was I was still in denial and wasn't ready for all that was about to come.

I can tell you everything about that moment.
The outfit I was wearing
The things I started crying over
and her face when she said
"You are pregnant.....congratulations?"

I was somewhat offended
But at the same time its kind of how I felt too.
Yes I know were this young couple
James looking like he just rolled out of bed
and me with this bright red hair and scratched eye
We looked a hot damn mess
But we were ready
and started to wrap our head around the idea.

Of course as soon as she confirmed it
 I looked over at James
 and he was beaming
I had honestly never seen him happier.

"You at this point are about 4 weeks along and due around thanksgiving"

It was real
There was an ETA for little Buchanan
This was actually happening.

I haven't been able to wear that outfit
weird I know...
but today was the first time I pulled it out...
and almost wore it.

Baby, were having a baby....

A year ago today we found out we were pregnant.
I peed on that stick and my heart dropped to my stomach.
Both lines were blue and I didnt believe it
So I took another 4 tests...
The digital tests said
"PREGNANT"
the pink ones had two lines
and James was so excited....

We screamed we cried and we knew from this moment onward our lives would change for the better.

A year ago today a journey started that we thought would end differently
9 months of being sick
buying maternity clothes
baby things
preparing a nursery
having him
and bringing him home
but it didn't happen like that....

A year ago we were looking forward to this day to tell him
"This was the day we knew you were a reality"

A year ago we imagined things to go so differently today...
We had never imagined it like this...

That whole day was a blur of emotions.
Me thinking my life was over
James being so excited he had planted his seed.
We were 4 weeks when we found out.

James had been calling it all week,
"You haven't had your period, I bet you're pregnant"

We had gone out to run errands and James made us stop at the drug store to get tests.
It literally was like the scene from knocked up.
We bought every test known to man
this one said know 5 days sooner, this one said 6.
I was oblivious to it all.
I just wanted red vines...

At this point my period was two days late and I thought there was still a chance that it would come...
man was I wrong.\

The test came up positive and I yelled or did something for James who was playing video games.
When he saw the test he had the biggest grin on his face and said
by far
the cutest thing ever
Baby, were having a baby!!"

A year ago today we started what should have been the most exciting experience of our lives.
And it was...
Until November 14th....

Selfishness

I am realizing I am somewhat selfish in my journey of grief and mourning my Bug.

I often forget my parents lost their first grandson. 

Their dreams of seeing me as a mom shattered as much as mine did that day. 

My grandparents lost their first great grandbaby. 

My sister lost her first nephew. 

She was so excited to have a nephew to spoil and be involved with...and for a while that day she thought she he was here.

My friends lost whatever part of Bug they were attached to. 

They saw me through my journey starting with the terrible pregnancy, my baby shower, my excitement and fears...

I know that I need to share him in all of this but its so hard with him being my son
I carried him
I grew him
I was with him day in and day out for the 9 months (-10 days) we had him....

I know there are other people involved in this journey
but at times I just want it to be mine...

Look at me now

"Look at where you're at now"

No.

I don't want to. 

It fucking hurts.

I should have a baby. 

"Everything happens for a reason" 

Oh do please tell me the reason my baby died...

"God has a plan for everything" 

Oh really...?! Ha...that's the biggest lie I've heard. 

The verbal vomit that comes from people even 4 months after is astonishing to me... 

Please please please think about what you say before you say it. If you have to think that hard about it, it's best you say nothing. 

I'm done being polite about it.

Just think, if YOU were in THIS situation, 

what would you want people to say to you...

Sweet Dreams

Such a fitting song...and so chilling when done slow...

This is not the cha cha

These sleepless nights are tourture. 

My mind is racing with a million thoughts

My heart is going through a million emotions 

And my eyes crying it's fair share of tears...

There are days where I feel like I'm actually getting "better" as if I could tell you what "better" is

and then nights like these make me feel like I'm taking so many steps back. 

There's a saying 

Well this,my friends, is a terrible terrible dance that feels like it's never going to end...

St. Patricks Day

Last year on this day was the first time I knew something was up... 

I had gone out with a friend for the days festivities and honestly just wasn't feeling it. 

I didn't feel like drinking but did but never got a buzz. I was so incredibly tired after only being out for the afternoon that I couldn't even make it to the bar hopping round and dancing to come later in the evening. James had duty that day but had luckily gotten off early and was able to come pick me up. 

I remember him asking me if everything was ok and I said I thought so I just wasn't feeling like being out anymore. 

At this point the only symptoms I was having was waking up in the morning tasting like I had sucked on pennies. 

The bloody coppery taste is from the increase of blood supply and hormonal changes in your body for the new baby...but honestly I thought and knew nothing of it being a symptom till later...my boobs never hurt, I never really cramped and this early in the month I hadn't missed my period yet... 

Oh how things were about to change.... 

Return to Zero

I am so incredibly excited for this movie to come out and lift the taboo that is on stillbirth and grieving. 

More people need to know about this and I am hoping this movie is a way to get the word out to people who dont understand. 

Four Months

17 weeks 

120 days

2880 hours 

172,800 minutes 

10,368,000 seconds 

since I found out I wasn't having a baby anymore.... 

Time is going by so fast now, and in reality I just want it to stop. 

Every day is a reminder 

of what should have been

and it just hurts. 

We should have a 4 month old baby right now

just let that sink in....

Season 4 Episode 12 The Getaway

I used to binge watch tv shows on Netflix while I was pregnant.
I was so sick all I could do was lay down, nap and watch tv.
But I cant watch that show
I cant watch that episode.

I was so into the show
I was oblivious what was happening in my body
But my Dr has told me many times
there wouldn't have been any signs.

I can tell you exactly what I had for dinner
I can tell you what I was doing while I was eating dinner
I can tell you when I went to bed
I can tell you when I went and got snacks and water

and bathroom breaks

but I cant
for the life of me tell you or

know why or how my son died...

I never sleep on the nights of the 13th...

Or any other night for that matter

Sadness

Every Storm

)





Not a huge country fan but heard this song in the car with my husband today and its pretty fitting.

Made me feel a little better

That Office

I hate walking into that office. 
I have to go there at least once every month.
Today there was only one brand new baby
but still...
It doesn't make it any easier. 
There is birthing class info
breast feeding info 
and baby info everywhere in there.
They are pretty good about getting us in and out which is nice....
But I'd love to have to not go back there for a while 
at least till its a happy appointment
And with that comes a new slew of emotions
which is a battle I can only fight once we get to it.
whats that one saying?

The battle is won, but the war is not over...

yeah...
that.... 

Rainbow Baby

Ive joined a few Facebook groups to support grieving parents of stillbirths and miscarriages, and there is a VAST difference...

for those of you that don't know :

a miscarriage is the loss of a fetus prior to the 20th week of a pregnancy 

a stillbirth is the loss of a baby in the womb past the 28th week of a pregnancy 

however to each grieving parent their own, and then there is the grey area between 20-28 weeks. 
None the less, a loss is a loss. But in speaking to other parents who have had full born still births , the same thing comes up. 

How do you prepare yourself for the baby to come ( and in these communities it's called the rainbow baby) 

Not gonna lie: I'm scared shitless but I want it so bad I'll have to power through. 

May be tmi for some of you but my last cycle my period was a whole week late. 

The internal freak out that happened every day it was late was so emotionally  draining I almost cried with tears of joy when my period came... But then at the same time I was sad. 

I for a second though omg this might be it...we might finally be having a baby! 

The mind fuck comes when you realize you have to do this all over again. 

To know the first ultrasound won't be Bug.

The first little flutters I feel won't be his. 

The kicks and movements, sickness and emotions invested all over again will be for someone else...

And to have to go through all of it again and not have another baby at the end of it would do me in...

I don't want to get excited all over again. 

I don't want to make another room 

pick out names 

or clothes 

....

And I definitely can't pick out another urn...

Quilt

I went into town today and talked to a lady about possibly starting a quilt for Bug.
There are alot of them on Pinterest that parents do with all their onsies from the first year of their babies life.
I loved the idea and in turn had everyone make onsies for his baby shower (for all of you that came there was a reason for them!)
I of course went in with a game plan and a script....
I thought I could just walk in and say
I want to make a quilt...

well its not that easy...
she asked what kind of quilt I wanted to make
and immediately the throat lump tears and shaking started.

I explained my situation
and she said she had lost twins and did the same thing with their clothes.

She then in turn went more into depth about what kind of quilt I wanted. Patters, colors, fabrics etc.
I think the hardest thing was her saying how I had to figure out the pattern and how I wanted to cut the onsies...
CUT HIS CLOTHES?! 

I knew you had to cut fabric to make your quilt...but it totally blanked my mind that I would have to cut HIS clothes...I can't even go into that room just yet, let alone go through his things to figure out the quilt, to then go and cut his clothes...

The reality of what I had to do to his things to make the quilt that I wanted proved far more difficult then I expected. The lady kindly offered that when it was time, she could just take all the onises and make the quilt the best that she could.
But I dont know how I feel about that.
I thought that it would be a good kind of closure for me...

But first, I have to open up that door...

Oh? So you're pregnant?!

My reaction to people announcing has changed drastically... 

I used to be the person super excited about it and anxiously wondering what they were having

Now it's a are you fucking kidding me?! 

I know it's a terrible thing but I can't help it

I didn't think we were ready but we were more then able to provide for a baby...

James and I had and have a stable relationship and were more then excited after the initial freak out. 

We had and still have a stable living situation 

We immediately started him his own baby savings account the week we found out we were pregnant and are still putting money into it. 

We have healthcare and everything was covered. 

We bought him everything he could have possibly needed and more.

We were so ready it was disgusting. 

Then I find out people not in stable relationships 

Drinking till they were 12 weeks along

Smoking or doing drugs 

Living questionable lifestyles 

Not having a place to live or anything for their babies 

Having 

Perfectly 

Healthy 

Babies

I am in no way shape or form saying were better then anyone else but it makes me ask myself over and over again what did we do wrong to have this happen to us?! 

I've Got Sunshine....

Today was the first sunny day in a while 

and I thought that going outside in the backyard would be nice.

I let the girls run around while I was practicing one foot balances

and out of nowhere a little boy went running down the path by my house...

There is a playground behind out house here.

I remember sitting outside with James once we moved here 

and talking about how excited we would be to push Bug around in his stroller on walks

have him run around that park

playing lava monster and tag and whatever other game he wanted to play

learning how to ride his trike on that path 

To have picnics and bbqs there.

To do family things...

And of course, after seeing that little boy run down the path

I got teary eyed...

I dont know what saddened me more...

The fact that none of this I will ever experience with Bug 

or the fact that this little boy's mother was nowhere in sight...

I would do anything to have had time with my Bug

to see him grow

to see him play on that jungle gym

I hate seeing other people take moments like this for granted...

As it started getting darker and colder the little boy finally ran off (and hopefully home) 

I went and sat on that jungle gym...

and

cried. 

Lets get together....ok...maybe not...

I had a get together at my house
for the first time
since everything happened
and to be completely honest
I had the panic attack of the century before everyone came over
To have new people in my house
To have to play hostess
To put on the face....

I don't know how I felt about the whole thing...

I will be the first to admit
I drank a bit too much
but I didn't care
(it was the third time I drank since)
I was at my house
I was with my husband
and honestly I think I was nervously drinking....

I know I emotionally vomited to a few people
I am not gonna apologize for honestly saying how I feel.
There was a great quote I found

"Does my grief make you uncomfortable?
Guess what?
Me too
But my uncomfortable lasts forever
while yours (probably)
last about as long at this sentence does..."

I now live by this quote.
Because suppressing how I feel isn't going to help me with my healing...
And if you don't want to be there during my healing
You don't need to be here at all.

I got past one big fear last weekend
Having people over at the house.

Oh and I bought crackers,
which at my grocery store,
is right by all the baby stuff....