Oh look, another holiday.

I made it through Thanksgiving,

just barely.

6 pregnancy announcements were the icing on the cake.

We got a lot of crap for not doing anything this year but honestly if you don't get it by now I'm done explaining myself.
The only reason we cooked last year was because we had already invited people and of course I felt bad canceling, but it was a very drugged and tearful "holiday".

So if you all must know my day consisted of watching my vets dogs aka the pigs, I bleached and colored my hair, and did absolutely nothing. We sadly watched the parade and dog show and James watched some football, but it was all just a painful reminder of what the day should have been.

We were invited to 8 dinners this year...but politely declined. I can't sit there and pretend to be happy at your table with your family and your babies while I'm absolutely miserable inside. And I'm honest enough with myself to know I would hate to put anyone and their family through my feelings and grief to that extent.

We did however recieve leftovers from friends and then stop by another friends house that evening just for some talk and dessert which was nice.
Don't get me wrong people I'm not a totally ungrateful bitch...I'm grateful for the people that put up with me this past year...

But it's not like there's even a break before the next holiday starts, it's like bam Thanksgiving is over and then we are gangbanged by both Christmas and New Years.

October starts the season of holidays and honestly the worst time of the year for me...

I honestly just need a break from it all.

Your baby is due November 25th

The entire pregnancy we were preparing ourselves for this day.
November 25th.

The day I tested positive at home I downloaded pregnancy apps and they all said 11/25/13 was his due date, and the doctor confirmed it a few days later.
Originally we freaked out thinking great, were going to be bringing home a baby on thanksgiving, but honestly we didn't care...we thought we were going to have a baby.
We actually kind of giggled at ourselves thinking seriously?! , our little family is just cursed when it comes to holidays. James and I have the same exact birthday, our anniversary is Halloween, why not bring a baby home on Thanksgiving!

But that was not the case.

We only had 10 days to go.

10, 14, and 25 are such terrible numbers to me now.

I cringe when people have countdowns.
Especially pregnancy countdowns...

I was excitedly counting down too, only to be blindsided and have things go terribly wrong...

Today is just as painful to me as the 14th.
Its a day full of should, could and would haves.

Its a day we should be celebrating, not looking back at and saying "we should have had you"

Its a day of what ifs.

What if I had actually had you,
what if you amazingly came exactly on your due date...

What if....

I ask myself that everyday.

One Year

1 year
52 weeks
365 days
8760 hours
525,600 minutes
31,536,000 seconds

A year ago I learned I had lost my son. 

I woke up that morning just grabbing at my stomach. 

Its like my body knew,

my scar hurt so bad. 

I hadn't slept the night before at all 

in fact I was on the couch till 5 am then finally crawled into bed 

only to be awake till 8.

I couldn't stay in bed and cry anymore. 

I woke up to it being sunny. 

A year ago it was pouring down rain.

I remember everything about that day.

I made myself eat 

did the dishes

did random shit around the house to keep busy 

then finally sat down to watch tv...all while crying

it was like a faucet was turned on at midnight and I couldn't turn it off. 

I had turned my phone off the night before at 7...

there were so many txts calls facebook notifications and whatever else coming in  

that I just didn't even want to deal with it.

I knew it all came from a good place

but it was all just too much.

Someone rang the doorbell around 10am 

and left flowers

but I didn't answer the door. 

James finally woke up and came out 

and I told him that I needed to do something

I couldn't sit here and cry all day. 

I could have done it no problem,

and there were times when we were out that I just randomly burst into tears

but I felt that I needed to be busy.

In all honesty 

it feels as if all the work I did this past year
to get to where I am 

in one day 

was flushed down the drain. 

I am back
to where I was that day.

asking why.

crying over everything. 

not wanting to talk or do anything. 

but putting on the face...
and doing it so well I still trick everyone including myself. 

My phone is off

I just have nothing to say

and I don't have any answers to all the questions.

I wish more then anything my son was here and that I never had/have to feel this pain.

"They say time heals all wounds, but I do not agree."

It hurts just as bad as that day,
obviously the shock in all of it is gone,
we know our son in gone.
Its just still so hard to believe.
We knew that this day was coming
but it still hurts like hell.

525,600 minutes.
I knew how many minutes from the song "Seasons of Love" in Rent.
However I never thought that I would ever measure a year
in how many months had passed since I lost my son

It was all supposed to be different.

The night

Dropping my dad off on Monday was the beginning of it all.
He had come up almost a year ago to the day.
I was driving home from Burlington and a song came over my phone and I lost it.
I was crying so hard I could barely even see the road and had to pull over.
That one song brought me back to that place last year...
My anxiety about that day coming again is through the roof.
So much so I really haven't been able to function.
I woke up today physically sick.
I know it is a combination of my stress, anxiety and my body just can't deal with it all right now.
I was watching TV nothing sad or emotional and just started crying.
It just hits you and there is nothing you can do about it.
Trying to have some kind of control over it only makes it worse.
So yet again, I'm silently crying as my husband sleeps.
Trying not to wake him.
As I do
Almost every single night.

The Morning After

Today hit me like a ton of bricks.

I think it firstly was painful due to it being the morning after Halloween,
which is a very child oriented holiday.

I did pretty good about keeping myself off Facebook and instagram yesterday, because honestly,
I was not wanting to see all the other kids in their Halloween costumes.
Or the endless amount of pictures from parents excited about taking their kid out for the first time.

That was supposed to be me.

As terrible as it sounds I am thankful our anniversary is Halloween.
We didn't have to be home for the few (if any) trick or treater's that came by our house.
I was able to stay away from the majority of the festivities yesterday, which I know at this point my heart and head still can't handle. 

Yesterday, James and I both said it,
It felt like deja vu.
The day was super rainy, but by the time we went to dinner and left the island, the sun was shining.
Exactly like last year.
However our dinner discussion was quite different.
Last year we were talking about all the things we couldn't wait to do with Bug.
At that time we were (what we thought) 24 days away from meeting our son.
How Halloween wouldn't be our day anymore and how excited we would be to take him out just like the other parents.....
But sadly we met him just 14 days later....
Which brings me to November 1st.

Ugh its already November.
The month I've dreaded all year long.
The month I never thought would get here.

And the month that is already bringing me back to that place of grief and mourning that I had been working so hard this past year to "get through".

Ive previously compared grief to a life game of chutes and ladders....

Needless to say the last few moves have been nothing but chutes.

On the 14th the "game" starts.
All.
Over.
Again.