Monday Morning/ Bear for Bug Part 3

Monday Mornings I think are dreaded by everyone.

All for different reasons.

However I was dreading but looking forward to this particular Monday morning. 

On October 16th I was notified from the manager of the funeral home that we used  for Bug, that they were moved by what James and I were doing for Molly Bears, and  had ordered 100 bears. 

As soon as they got them delivered, they would get them to us. 

(I obviously was waiting to get the bears to announce anything) 

I randomly burst into tears multiple times yesterday.

Remembering all the reasons we were there last year.

remembering having to pick out his urn,

to seeing him for the first and last time.

to picking up his cremains in that tiny little gold box 

and leaving that day, December 5th

to think I would never set foot in that place again. 

I got no sleep last night. I was so anxious about going back there. 

I've blogged about it before, but living in a small town there are only a few ways to get to specific places.

I for almost a year, avoided that street, because seeing the funeral home would bring me immediately back to that day, that place, and those feelings. 

But today I had no choice. 

I got ready this morning, ate breakfast and tried to keep calm.

I got in the car just fine.

I made it down the street just fine.

Until we pulled up to their driveway.

James was driving and immediately after turning in 

my c section scar started hurting

as if I was a few weeks post op and still healing. 

My eyes began watering and I couldn't even hide it at that point. 

That tiny little driveway brought me back

just like I was afraid it was going to. 

I eventually, after trying to get my shit together, got out of the car and made it up to the door. 

James opened it, as he did all those times before, and we walked in.

When you first walk in, straight ahead of you is the main chapel, where we first saw Bug.

To the left, their office, the room with all the urn samples and to the right some couches. 

As I turned the corner, I saw the couch, covered in the bears, and began laughing and saying oh my gosh! 

100 bears is quite the sight to see.

The manager Mark came out and shook James hand and I went in for the very tearful,very grateful, hug.

The bears were packed up 

small talk was made

and brought out to the car in 3 boxes. 

Hugs and handshakes were again given, and we left, tearful and wondering if we would be back there. 

James took me to coffee for a little date and to unwind before we went home.

And I again teared up thinking

Look at all that Bug has done.

Look at all my son has accomplished.

Pumpkin Patch

James and I went to the pumpkin patch.

And it was just as painful as I thought it would be.
There was a little pre school there on a field trip.
Parents pulling their kids in red wagons,bundled up in super cute fall clothes.
And the little kids were taking forever to pick out the perfect pumpkin.

Bug would be 11 months, sitting in one of those wagons, and picking out his first pumpkin...
Of course we got pumpkins.
Then pumpkins for the girls.
And a white pumpkin for Bug.

A Bear for Bug Part 2

I am still in shock
it is going so well.
I honestly almost called it off a few days before starting it.
I had a massive panic attack about it all and was ready to throw in the towel.

But that wouldn't have been fair to Bug.

To me this is not just a drive.

To have to explain to someone that I'm doing a memorial drive for what should have been my sons first birthday absolutely kills me.

I wish I was picking a theme and invites, party favors, little decorations, a smash cake and whatever else.

But I don't get to do that.

The only thing that makes it a little better is Bug is helping other babies and families.

Bug is putting awareness on pregnancy loss.

Bug is still loved and remembered a year later.

Bug is making a diffence in the world.

Look at all you've done Bug. 

Mommy is so proud. 

A Bear For Bug

We are very excited to announce our bear drive for Bug.
Its both a way to celebrate his upcoming birthday while also helping other families in their grieving process.
All donations will be benefiting Molly Bears, a non profit and volunteer run organization that makes weighted memorial bears for families that have lost their child.

Online donations can be made at

www.gofundme.com/bearforbug

Any donation big or small is greatly appreciated in celebrating Bug and helping other families in need.

Love always
Bug, Marisa and James!

11 Months

47 weeks

334 days

8016 hours

480,960 minutes

28,857,600 seconds 

It hitting me so much harder this month then I thought it would. 

The first of October came and it was like a switch was turned on

and I felt so different. 

I just want to curl up in a ball and hide until January. 

The holidays are so hard for people that are grieving.

Everyone around you is excited for the festivities 

except you.

Had the circumstances been different I would have been celebrating with you.

Halloween is unfortunately the first of all the holidays.

James and I would be excitedly thinking of his first Halloween costume.

We would be getting ready for his first hay ride and trip to the pumpkin patch...

I remember last Halloween excitedly celebrating what was our last anniversary alone.

I remember making him his own little Bug pumpkin, which will have a whole different meaning this year.

It took everything for me not to scream at a friend

who had the nerve to ask me what her kid should be for Halloween.

I know she meant no harm.

No one ever does...

and I understand that alot of people think that I should be "over it" by now

but its not anything I will ever get over.

Bugs Bear Part 2

I want to make something clear
I am not unhappy about getting my bear.
I know my last blog (to some readers) 
came off as thought I was upset about it and didn't like it.

That was not the case at all. 

It was just the painful emotional and physical connections 
that the weighted bear gave me the first time that I held it.
I was explaining how I felt about it 
no filter
raw emotions and feelings 
of holding that bear for the first time
and what it meant to me

I love it.
I think its perfect.
I think Bug is perfect.
I think all of it is perfect. 

What this organization is able to give to people 
after having lost their child is amazing. 

I never got my moment.

I never got to give birth to my son 
and to have him be put into my arms for the first time. 

Molly Bears gave that to me.

Did it hurt like hell because I thought he would be 
screaming into my face and wriggling around

Absolutely. 

But in that moment

at the doorway of my house

I finally had my moment... 

Bug's Molly Bear

Saturday October 3rd
I was dreading/anxiously awaiting 3pm.
Earlier in the week I was emailed by the lady in charge of making my Molly Bear for Bug aka my Bug Bear.

She said that it would be done on Thursday, 

but with James still being gone I asked if she could drop it off that weekend 

so he could be home for it as well.

When I heard a car door shut

immediately there was a lump in my throat. 

We were house sitting my bosses french bulldogs 

so James was still on the couch holding them back

leaving me to open the door. 

As many of you know, we never held Bug in the hospital.

I was so wrapped up in my emotions 

and honestly didn't think that James wanted to 

so the first time we saw him was at the funeral home to verify his remains...

That is my one and biggest regret in how the passing of my son was handled.

I had previously been told about Molly Bears by a nurse from the hospital 
and a few other people that we got in contact to after Bug passed.
I honestly was so angry I didn't know how a bear would help me 
mend the complete and utter mess my life and heart was in...

I didn't know what 5lbs 8oz would feel like

and I was so nervous reaching out to actually take the bear....

the bear that was the same weight as my baby 

a bear that was the same weight as my son. 

I managed to keep my shit together while she was there.

She told us how she got to be involved with Molly Bears.

How the founder used to live here in Oak Harbor and they were friends

How her daughter passed a month after being born,

and how her angelversary was exactly October 3rd. 

So she said it was nice to be able to help another family in need

on that particular day. 

Its like her daughter came full circle. 

She finally left and we shut the door 

and thats when James took the bear.

And I immediately lost my shit. 

I didn't think that it would hurt that bad. 

I didn't think that a tiny little bear would kick up such feelings and emotions.

I sat him on the table and just stared at him.

Feeling the buttons and his fur,

(we were both very happy it was a brown bear...weird I know) 

and thinking how weird it was that the bear was exactly the same size as what was once my baby. 

The tv was on since James was watching football 

and I thought that he was watching it 

leaving me to cry but later he admitted

he was sitting there watching me 

let me have my moment...

I managed to start off with the "pretty" cry

since we were going to go run errands 

and possibly go to dinner,

but I eventually stormed into my room

to go into the full fledged ugly cry

The gut wrenching cry where you just want to scream

and where nothing you do will make it stop.

The cry where your whole body is involved 

you cant see, breathe or care that you cant do either.

The cry that you want to keep behind closed doors

but when grieving seems to hit you at the worst places

and times. 

James crawled into bed and just held me.

I was getting makeup spit and snot all over my pillows and his clothes

and all I could keep saying was 

"I didnt know it would hurt so bad..."

www.mollybears.com