26,304 hours
1,578,240 mintues
98,694,400 seconds
Since I lost my son.
Today is always a hard day.
I drank a whole bottle of wine to myself last night
while watching Return to Zero
and crying uncontrollably.
I was feeling slightly hungover but honestly I didn't give a shit.
A tiny hangover is nothing compared to the feelings that surface from the death of your baby.
I didn't leave my room for almost the whole day.
But Carter knew I was in there and kept coming by the door and knocking...
This was the first anniversary that James and I were together since it happened.
On the first anniversary we were 8+ months pregnant with Carter and I was just hiding out in the house away from everyone until James took me to a movie.
Last year I was alone with an 11 month old and it was hell.
Thank god Jet came over to help me out that day.
And this year James was home and with Carter while I was all in my feelings in my room.
Ignoring everything and everyone.
Because that's what I do.
And how I feel.
On this day in 2013, I wished everything would just stop.
In what world is it ok for my baby to die and for everyone else to just keep on living like nothing happened??!!
I guess this one.
Because the next day came,
and I was still here,
in a hospital bed,
recovering from a c-section
and the 9 month pregnancy from hell
with nothing
and I mean nothing
to show for it.
I wasn't taking home a baby.
I wasn't about to start the most exciting time of my life.
I wasn't about to look at James and say oh my god,
were parents, now what do we do.
I was wheeled out of labor and delivery
with a small pastel green box
and a baby blanket.
No baby.
Bug Buchanan
11/14/13
1:48pm
5 lbs 8oz
18 inches long
