4 years

1,461 days

35,064 hours

2,103,840 minutes

126,230,400 seconds

since I lost my son.

I honestly can say that this anniversary has been one of the hardest ones to date. 

Im not at 1449 Central.

I am no longer on Whidbey Island where everything happened.

Im not around the people that understood the magnitude of this day.

I wasn't able to do the things I would normally do to make this day feel "better" 

I didn't get out of bed until 3pm today.
Every little thing made me cry.
I only talked to two people
and I don't care that I did what I did.
Its just what I do to get through this month, these weeks, this day.

I didn't even make it into 2 minutes of return to zero and the uncontrollable crying started.

I always watch this movie 

alone 

on this day, 

and I knew this year it wouldn't be any different.

But for the first time I didn't finish it.
I don't know if I will. 

I was talking with my girlfriend the other day and she asked do you ever look at your life, like you're an outsider looking in, like you aren't really living it?

I said yes.

All the time. 

I still can't believe this day happened. 

I can't believe this happened to me.

You ask me about November 13th and 14th and I can still give you an exact play by play.

I remember it like it was yesterday.

Im sure if you asked any loss mom she could tell you the same

I replay this day in my mind over and over again

wondering what I did wrong

what did I miss

why didn't I know

could I have changed the outcome of this day in any way...

I wish more then anything that day ended differently.

And I will for the rest of my life. 

And so it begins....

The beginning of November is always an interesting time for me.

And this year not being home or at least stateside has seemed to make a big difference. 

I can feel myself starting to retreat back into my feelings, mourning, grief, 

whatever you want to call it at this point

while simultaneously lashing out at the people that are closest to me

and only trying to help...

There are many new people in my life at the moment,

who won't or don't understand what these next few weeks will entail. 

They don't understand why the smell of a pumpkin spice latte makes me sick.

or why a certain song will instantly bring me to tears. 

And when I snap or retreat into myself, not answering texts, calls or messages its because Im emotionally spent and just need some time to myself. 

I constantly ask myself when November is going to become easier...

Birthdays...

National Sibling Day

Just another day to remind me that I don't have my son.

And Carter doesn't have his big brother.

With everyone posting pictures of their kids with siblings, it was just another day to not be on Facebook...and there are a lot of those.

The one time I did actually scroll through Facebook today this picture popped up.

Big Hero 6 was the movie I saw on Bug's first anniversary.
Movies were a safe place for me, yes I got out of the house, but I could sit there in the dark and no one would see me.
I didn't have to interact, since everyone was focused in something else. 

We unknowingly went thinking it was a movie about this robot and the boy that created it and man, were we wrong. Even in reading the overview, it said nothing about the big brother dying....

I was bawling in the theatre, and so not ready for the plot line, especially on that day and being 8½ months pregnant.

I still can't watch that movie without crying, but of course, Carter loves it and always asks to watch it on "those days" 

Someday I'll explain it to him...

Just not today...

Here's to you big brother Bug. 

Balalalalalala

Please don't tell me happiness is a choice.....

Trust me 

I want to be happy 

but when you have a baby die

its not always that easy. 

My grief makes people uncomfortable. and I get it. 

So 99% of the time 

I fake it till I make it.

Only my real friends have seen me at my lowest of lows.

Seen me cry when talking about Bug. 

And telling them things not everyone knows.

Talking about a baby dying is not easy

I wish I didn't have to do it

And no one understands. 

You may say that you do 

and as a loss mom that is the most hurtful sentence to use 

IF YOU HAVE NEVER LOST A CHILD YOU DO NOT UNDERSTAND 

YOU WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND

PLEASE STOP SAYING YOU DO! 

Dont say that you were there for me when you weren't. 

Dont act like it was hard on you....

And don't tell me that happiness is a choice. 

As someone that suffers from anxiety, depression and ptsd 

from everything that has happened in my life since then.

please don't tell me that one chooses to be happy. 

I do not get to choose how I feel every day.

I wish I did.

I wish the littlest of things didn't give me a panic attack.

I wish that getting out of bed was as easy for everyone else on a daily basis.

I wish that I had a picture perfect life like you make it seem your life is....

I want nothing more then to be happy and have a normal life.

But that again is not the reality that I live in.

Not since that day in November when my son died. 

Not since I came home empty handed from that hospital....

My happiness left that day when my son did....

Today is always a hard day.

I think every mother to be remembers the exact day they found out they were pregnant for the first time, and every time.

So today is always a hard day.

If you've followed our journey, you know that four years ago today we found out we were pregnant.
It was a day that forever changed our lives.
It was terrifying and exciting all at the same time.

My pregnancy was not easy, I was miserable the entire time...

But I would do it all over again...and I did.

I just wish we would have had our baby.

Stillbirthday Doula

It is ironic that on valentines day,
the 14th,
a day about love,
I decided to take the plunge and enroll to become a birth and bereavement doula. 
I have wanted to do it for a while now, but unsure as to how my own journey with grief and mourning would play into it.
Per my understanding and research, upon the completion of my schooling, I will be able to offer my services to mothers about to give birth, for both live births, or births with poor pregnancy outcomes  at any stage.
As emotional as the entire experience of a stillbirth is, looking back on it, I wish I had someone who could help me with what to expect, what my mind body and soul would go through.
Someone willing to help me with what was the hardest journey of my life...
Again, not everyone's journey is the same, everyone deals with their loss and grief differently. Some people may want a guiding hand, others may want to go through this alone.
But I feel like if I can help another mother or family, its the next step in my grieving and remembrance of Bug. 

Goodbye Whidbey

Leaving the island was the second hardest part of this trip.
So much happened here, both happy and sad.
But leaving the last place we had Bug was hard.
I took a video going off the island, and it was so weird it was sunny and warm, just like the first time I drove onto the island.
Me leaving this island felt like déjà vu.
It hadn't really hit me yet till I looked back at the bridge and realized I had driven over it for the last time.
I know someday in my lifetime I will go back to that island, just don't know when.
But I know for my soul, and for Bug, I will make it back.

1449 Central Dr

We are officially no longer the tenants of 1449 Central Dr.

And I'm kinda shocked it hit me as hard as it did. 

Walking in and seeing the house empty, reminded me of walking in there September of  2013 and being pregnant with Bug. 

We walked around there planning how the house was gonna look, how his room was going to be, and all the memories we were going to have made there with our first son. 

Here I am, at the end of our time here, with one son, not two, and with Carter. Not Bug.

Don't get me wrong I love Carter, but it was supposed to be different. 

We should be a family of 4. 

I should be wrangling two toddlers on this international adventure. 

All of our paperwork should be a family of 4.

To most people its not a big deal, but its just been a painful reminder for the past few months that Bug isn't here.