We were expecting a baby.....

2 years ago today we found out we were pregnant with Bug.
There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about yesterday and today or you and what should have been. 

I missed the first pregnancy test because my glasses fell off, so I peed in a cup and dunked 6 in, all blue dye tests, and they all came up positive. 

Then the next day we went to the Dr to confirm it and called all our family to tell them the news. 

We were approximately 4 weeks and 2 days. 

I can tell you what I was wearing when the Dr came in and said "Congratulations???!", looking at us with a very judgmental look, then leaving allowing us to talk things over. 

I can tell you exactly how the appointment went when we went in for the confirmatjon of pregnancy ultrasound, my freak out, and the conversation that came afterwards. 

4 weeks later on our birthday we were 8 weeks and announced to everyone else. 

I can tell you exactly how the day went.

I can tell you everything about the day that we lost you. 

It plays over and over in my mind like a broken record, and I can't move the needle. 

It will forever stay stuck on that day. 

We lost you and what we thought our future was going to be. 

We lost a baby, experiences, hopes and dreams. 

We lost our baby. 

We lost our Bug. 

Again James and I will never share pictures of him or his name. 

Its all we have left  our our son for ourselves. 

But everyone will and does know about you. 

They know that we had you for 9 months, 

and that I grew you and loved and will always love you. 

That, we will never keep to ourselves. 

Pot O Gold...

2 years ago I had an incling, and something wasn't right. 9 days later James had said, " I bet you're pregnant" and $100 in pregnancy tests, redvines and Arnold Palmers later it was confirmed.

I remember all of this like it was yesterday.

Its around this time every year the beginning of my flashbacks and deepest sadness happens. I wish more then anything things ended differently.

This day has never been the same. Neither is any other big monumental moment I had with Bug.
Days like these are all I get to look back on.
These are the memories I have with my son.

For the next 9 days I was oblivious to the journey, sickness, joy, sorrow, anxiety and devistating loss I was about to go through.

I just wanted a happy ending.
I just wanted to find my pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.

1 year 4 months

41,904,000 seconds
698,400 minutes
11,640 hours
485 days
69 weeks 

and 2 days

Since I found out I lost my son.

I would like to say that things are getting easier but that's a lie. 

I find it harder and harder to enjoy Carter with Bug being in the background.

I am both happy and sad on a daily basis. 

Every day is more and more of a roller coaster ride that seems to never end. 

I was asked recently by a close friend how we were going to explain Bug to Carter.

Honestly I hadn't really thought that far just yet

There is a book called  " One that came before you" that explains, in children terms, that there was a baby that passed. 

I have read other blogs were kids as young as 5 understand that they had a brother or sister but that he or she isn't here anymore. 

I guess that we will just have to go with our gut and see how things pan out. 

I don't want to be that family that  acts as thought there was no Bug, and sadly there are families that do that for many reasons.

Either its too painful, highly frowned upon by family, or they feel as thought the baby never lived so it wasn't really a baby. 

How anyone could feel like that is beyond me.

Butterfly Baby

So I just learned that in the child loss community, for those who don't like the term angel baby (for religious, spiritual, personal reasons) call their babies butterfly babies.
How weird/cool/ironic??!!
When I designed Bugs memorial tags from the bear drive, I realized his initials back to back made a butterfly.
I told my friend Soo (after many picky "change this" emails) I had finally settled on that design because it just felt right.

I'm picking up what you're puttin down Bug.
🐛❤😍

Pictures.

Today I went to Walmart to print off Carters newborn photos.
And in the middle of the store the reality of it hit me like a swift punch to my gut.

Carter has over 200 newborn photos.

Bug has 22.

And Bug will only have 22.

Some of which were taken by the nurse at the hospital.
And some taken by me at the funeral home.

Many of you know we had a Molly Bear made for Bug.
James also made me a ring.
Both were used as props at Carter's newborn shoot, and both times they were used, I lost my shit.

So there I was standing standing at walmart with Carter sleeping in his Moby wrap, trying to keep myself from crying as I'm printing off the photos. I probly looked crazy, but I honestly don't care anymore. Like I've said before, grief has the worst timing, and hits you at the most inconvenient places .... 

As I was looking through Carters photos I found myself covering the screen when I came across those photos. They are sacred and I didn't want complete strangers seeing them. 

I like that we kept Bugs photos private and in all honesty I almost want to keep these photos private too. 

Before his photo shoot I looked on Pinterest  for posing ideas. I don't like the overly cheesy poses, because they come across weird in photos.And there is only one time I will be able to capture these specific photos.

I wanted genuine, easy, tastefull poses. 

I found the one where the right hand cradles the baby's head and the left holds his body. 

And I specifically chose that one so my ring would show. 

Bug is "in" a lot of these photos. You just have to look for it. 

I am both happy and sad while looking at these photos. 

They are the only pictures I will ever have of my two boys together.