Stillbirthday Doula

It is ironic that on valentines day,
the 14th,
a day about love,
I decided to take the plunge and enroll to become a birth and bereavement doula. 
I have wanted to do it for a while now, but unsure as to how my own journey with grief and mourning would play into it.
Per my understanding and research, upon the completion of my schooling, I will be able to offer my services to mothers about to give birth, for both live births, or births with poor pregnancy outcomes  at any stage.
As emotional as the entire experience of a stillbirth is, looking back on it, I wish I had someone who could help me with what to expect, what my mind body and soul would go through.
Someone willing to help me with what was the hardest journey of my life...
Again, not everyone's journey is the same, everyone deals with their loss and grief differently. Some people may want a guiding hand, others may want to go through this alone.
But I feel like if I can help another mother or family, its the next step in my grieving and remembrance of Bug. 

Goodbye Whidbey

Leaving the island was the second hardest part of this trip.
So much happened here, both happy and sad.
But leaving the last place we had Bug was hard.
I took a video going off the island, and it was so weird it was sunny and warm, just like the first time I drove onto the island.
Me leaving this island felt like déjà vu.
It hadn't really hit me yet till I looked back at the bridge and realized I had driven over it for the last time.
I know someday in my lifetime I will go back to that island, just don't know when.
But I know for my soul, and for Bug, I will make it back.

1449 Central Dr

We are officially no longer the tenants of 1449 Central Dr.

And I'm kinda shocked it hit me as hard as it did. 

Walking in and seeing the house empty, reminded me of walking in there September of  2013 and being pregnant with Bug. 

We walked around there planning how the house was gonna look, how his room was going to be, and all the memories we were going to have made there with our first son. 

Here I am, at the end of our time here, with one son, not two, and with Carter. Not Bug.

Don't get me wrong I love Carter, but it was supposed to be different. 

We should be a family of 4. 

I should be wrangling two toddlers on this international adventure. 

All of our paperwork should be a family of 4.

To most people its not a big deal, but its just been a painful reminder for the past few months that Bug isn't here.