I swear its dejavu

James is gone on DET again, it was a very last minute thing
and out of all places
he went back to Virginia.

We were in the same situation two years ago,
James had sent me home to Oregon since I was so sick
and he stayed back to continue working and took care of the packing
for our cross country move.

Its weird having the late night phonecalls
and him describing where he is and where hes going.
It put me back first to when we were dating,
but also to when I was pregnant with Bug.

It so weird how the littlest things, like a phonecall, can trigger emotions
even two years later.
This trigger just seems to be hitting things harder then normal

Last night was the first time in a long time I had one of "those cries"

the cry with the scalding hot tears that you think, could quite physically burn your cheek, 

the cry where you are unable to catch your breath, and are just gasping and grasping your stomach 

the cry where you wanna scream 

and at the same time curl up in a ball and be invisible.

Every month has its triggers...
Like I said, I didn't expect them to hit me this hard.  

1 year 8 months

86 weeks
607 days
14,568 hours
874,080 minutes
52,444,800 seconds

since I found out I lost my son.
I feel like it was yesterday, I was packing up my life in Virginia to move to Oregon then up to Washington.
I was around 20 weeks at the time, and we had just verified that Bug was a boy.
We had excitedly and foolishly done our baby registry together, aimlessly walking through baby r us, scanning whatever looked interesting, but not buying anything.
We, ironically, didn't want to buy anything because we would soon be moving cross country. Little did we know not buying anything till 35 weeks wouldn't have made a difference.

I now cringe when people have a nursery set up and ready by 20 weeks.

Anyways, I had a writing assignment this week in class that was to write to three different people about the loss of my pet mouse.

I legit had the hardest time starting it off any other way then

It is with the saddest of hearts....

That's how we had started off the announcement we wrote when we lost Bug.

I don't know why, for the first time, I couldn't find any other words to write.