There's no escaping it.

Today I had a meeting with the Nursing Department at the college to figure out my pre requisites and plan out my courses.
But before they sat down and talked with me, they asked why I no showed my first appointment with them in 2013.
It all came rushing back like it happened yesterday.

I had received a phone call in the hospital and unfortunately we were answering any oak harbor number at that point because it could have been the coroner, funeral home or any other important people we may have needed to speak to.
They were calling to remind me of the meeting later in the week and I had hung up on them.
Not a good look, but honestly, I couldn't think of anything else at that point.
I know everyone didn't know, but deep down inside I thought, how dare you call me, do you have any idea what's going on right now?!

So here I am sitting across the desk from the advisor, and she addresses the elephant in the room.

"So why did you no show in 2013, and now almost 2 years later, you are wanting information, advising and to register again?
Its a very competitive program, and we want to know that our candidates are committed, from the very beginning."

"My son passed away on the 14th of that month, I was recovering from an emergency c section, and trying to cope with everything that had just happened."

"Wow, that's morbid"

Another prime example of people saying the wrong thing at the wrong time, but honestly, at this point, I just brace myself for the words about to come shooting out when I tell people.

Needless to say,
I got through the advising session,
she wished me good luck,
and welcome to the nursing program.

Complaining

I absolutely despise when parents complain about the things their children do, or things they have to do for their children, 

Why is it that my child wakes up at the ass crack of dawn?

Why is my kid always sick?

Why is my life nothing but bottles, laundry, and diaper changes?

Why this, why that?

You don't understand that what you are complaining about, someone else wants so badly.

I wanted to scream at all my friends that would complain about their babies or kids on facebook, but I was not about to call all of them out and say, stop, I want that.

Not even that I want that. 

Its that I should be having that.

I will never sit here and complain about how tired I am, or how awful Carter was last night.

I may personally tell you, but its not something that I will publicly complain about. 

All of us parents understand how hard these times can be. 

But be happy that you get to wake up to a baby at 4am.

I know I am.  

1 year 6 months, "1st" Mothers Day

1 year, 6 months 
78 weeks
546 days
13,104 hours
786,240 minutes
47,174,400 seconds

Since I found out I lost my son.

This week was especially emotional since it was Mother's Day on Sunday.
Many people wished me a happy first mothers day, and honestly, I ignored both my phone and Facebook for the day.

Let's not forget here people, I was pregnant with him the first mothers day, and mourning him the second and now third....

James didn't forget tho, and gave me 3 cards. One from Carter, one from Carter and Bug, and one from him.

The sting of the day was not taken away by the fact that Carter is here. Don't get me wrong, I love Carter beyond words, but this all should have been much much different.

There's a cemetery right by our house, and there is a very noticeable grave with what looks like kids blocks as the headstone. 
One says a,b,c, the other says 1,2,3, and the other says do,re,mi. 

It is very well tended to, there are never dead flowers, deflated balloons or yellow grass. And I can't tell you how many times I've driven past and seen someone there.

On Monday when I drove by, there were mothers day balloons, new flowers and the headstones were shiny and freshly cleaned.

It made me sad to know that there is another mother who had to feel the way I did on Mothers Day, and for years, by the dates on the headstone.

Mothers Day isn't this glorified "let's thank your mother for everything she's done in a day" that Hallmark has made it out to be.
(But I already voiced all of this in my other blog)

I often regret not having a grave for Bug.
I regret not having a place that I can go visit when I need to just get away from everything.
Through many of my stillbirth groups, they said the grave and burial was a much needed closure after the loss of their child.
But Washington is not our home, and I couldn't bear the thought of leaving him here when and if we get orders elsewhere.

So he is safely with us, in our home, at all times,  but not how I ever imagined him to be...

May The 4th

Its always a painful day.
We had decided we were going to decorate Bugs room with a star wars theme waaaay before it became super popular.
Maybe because we decided to decorate it that way I'm noticing it becoming ever more popular over the past year. 
But now it seems everywhere we go there is a star wars themed something or other and I just want to cry.
Sheets, stuffed animals, little boy bikes, light sabers, all just make James and I saw ugh...
But its now a bitter sweet day since we had found out we were pregnant with Carter on May 4th.

Like I've said before I don't believe in irony.
I'm picking up what you're putting down.