Birthdays...

National Sibling Day

Just another day to remind me that I don't have my son.

And Carter doesn't have his big brother.

With everyone posting pictures of their kids with siblings, it was just another day to not be on Facebook...and there are a lot of those.

The one time I did actually scroll through Facebook today this picture popped up.

Big Hero 6 was the movie I saw on Bug's first anniversary.
Movies were a safe place for me, yes I got out of the house, but I could sit there in the dark and no one would see me.
I didn't have to interact, since everyone was focused in something else. 

We unknowingly went thinking it was a movie about this robot and the boy that created it and man, were we wrong. Even in reading the overview, it said nothing about the big brother dying....

I was bawling in the theatre, and so not ready for the plot line, especially on that day and being 8½ months pregnant.

I still can't watch that movie without crying, but of course, Carter loves it and always asks to watch it on "those days" 

Someday I'll explain it to him...

Just not today...

Here's to you big brother Bug. 

Balalalalalala

Please don't tell me happiness is a choice.....

Trust me 

I want to be happy 

but when you have a baby die

its not always that easy. 

My grief makes people uncomfortable. and I get it. 

So 99% of the time 

I fake it till I make it.

Only my real friends have seen me at my lowest of lows.

Seen me cry when talking about Bug. 

And telling them things not everyone knows.

Talking about a baby dying is not easy

I wish I didn't have to do it

And no one understands. 

You may say that you do 

and as a loss mom that is the most hurtful sentence to use 

IF YOU HAVE NEVER LOST A CHILD YOU DO NOT UNDERSTAND 

YOU WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND

PLEASE STOP SAYING YOU DO! 

Dont say that you were there for me when you weren't. 

Dont act like it was hard on you....

And don't tell me that happiness is a choice. 

As someone that suffers from anxiety, depression and ptsd 

from everything that has happened in my life since then.

please don't tell me that one chooses to be happy. 

I do not get to choose how I feel every day.

I wish I did.

I wish the littlest of things didn't give me a panic attack.

I wish that getting out of bed was as easy for everyone else on a daily basis.

I wish that I had a picture perfect life like you make it seem your life is....

I want nothing more then to be happy and have a normal life.

But that again is not the reality that I live in.

Not since that day in November when my son died. 

Not since I came home empty handed from that hospital....

My happiness left that day when my son did....