2 years 3 months/ Valentine's Day

882 days

19,728 hours

1,183,680 minutes

71,020,800 seconds

since I lost my son 

Like every year it will land on Valentines day. 

Which makes the day bittersweet. 

This year was hard,but we kept ourselves busy.

Its always at night when the thoughts come flooding in along with the feelings. 

I've played in my mind over and over again our ob saying

"This is where the heartbeat should be, and there isn't one"

Valentines day being about hearts and love and baby cupids. 

Its just a weird sad and useless holiday now. 

His heart stopped. 

My heart is broken.

Things will never be the same. 

The Zoo

I was supposed to take Carter to the zoo today
but the weather here in Portland was awful
and I was not about to drag him around in the rain.
I also was so pleasantly reminded that the last time I was at the zoo
I was pregnant with you.
I honestly wasn't ready to go back there.
I knew that it would be emotional.
I dreamed so many times about taking you to the zoo.
Getting elephant ears, eating lunch looking at the birds,
and taking you to the goat petting zoo....
And all of these things my mum was so excitedly was talking about doing with your brother.
And I just wanted to cry.
There was a movie that  I watched alot after your passing called we bought a zoo
It was constantly on repeat on HBO and I just never changed it.
I loved the book and thought sure, Ill lay here and watch the movie.
But the memorable quotes were the 20 seconds about courage.
And the one about never being ready.....
I will never be ready to walk back into that place........