Please, stop calling your living baby here on earth an angel.

There will be many feelings about this post. 

I for one am not, ever have been, or ever will be a believer in god. 

So I can see how some people can say, if you don't believe in god then why are you offended by the term angel.

I get it.

People are allowed to call their babies whatever they want. 

But I have never once mentioned Bug as an angel. 

Nor will I ever.

But I sit here and cringe when I see on Instagram or Facebook

people posting pictures of their live babies

calling them angels.

Or using the hashtag #angelbaby

Those angels that you are describing

in a living picture

aren't angels

they  are our babies. 

The babies that never made it here on earth.

The babies that didn't get to come home with us. 

The babies that we wanted and can never have. 

To those in the baby loss and infant death community 

that therm is not something I/we like hearing.

(I know there are some that find comfort in said terminology, but the many I have spoken to do not)

"Well Bug is an angel now"

or that saying 

"Because someone we love is in heaven, there's a little bit of heaven in our home"

Bug is a baby. 

And Bug didn't go anywhere, 

He's on my bedside table, like he's been since the day I brought him home from the funeral home.

Bank accounts and Buchanans

The week we found out we were pregnant with Bug, after satisfying a chicken nachos craving and puking it up on the floor in home depot, we went to the bank and set him up a savings account.

Over the 9 months we were pregnant with him, money went into that account, as well as after he passed. It just continued growing. 

We honestly just left the account and once we got pregnant again, I kind of forgot about it. 

Until recently. 

It was getting annoying going to this baby account and getting money our just for baby things. 

When I could just budget it into our monies already instead of it going to a different account. 

So I had voiced this to James thinking nothing would come of it.

And then he said he was going to go to the back and stop the allotment and shut the account. 

I freaked and said don't.

I was so not ready for one of the last things I had of him to be gone.....

a bank account

as silly as it is

was made for him

with nothing but love

hopes and dreams

and everything you think is going to happen when you're pregnant and about to have a baby.

We also, soon after finding out we were pregnant, got a bottle of Buchanan's whiskey. 

We had intended on opening it the day he was born for a shot, his 18th birthday, his 21st birthday and pass the bottle on to him on his wedding day. 

But obviously his bottle was never opened.

And ironically we hadn't found it anywhere near us until recently .

So in walks James with this bottle of whiskey and he starts opening it.

We've had a bottle since 2014 but never tasted it. 

I didn't know that opening a bottle of it would be so emotional. 

I ended up finding a special edition bottle for Carter.

But still don't have the heart to open it. 

1 year 11 months

699 days

16,776 hours 

1,006,560 minutes 

60,393,600 seconds 

since I lost my son 

I absolutely hate this time of the year.

Its like its the calm before the storm

and little storms here and there have been popping up

Emotionally, Im able to keep my shit together less and less. 

More outbursts and mean things are being said.

I legit just want to crawl in a cave and die. 

Physically the migraines, nausea, not eating or sleeping

is all coming back worse then it usually is.

Mentally Im trying to prepare myself for the day 

I will be alone.

James is going to be gone. 

I will have Carter 

But I "can't" be sad,

He doesn't understand. 

He has no idea what is going on...

I also hate that I am yet again at that time in the year 

where I should be planning what would have been his second birthday .

But as if I don't already have enough on my plate,

I decided to do the bear drive again this year, 

because that's what I get to do every year to honor and celebrate my son.