New Baby Smell

A year ago the smell of new baby was nauseating...
and its like my body only remembers last year.
I want to love the smell...
but its like I stop myself.
New diapers, baby lotion, formula, all of it just makes me sick to my stomach
but I smell it every day now.
Before leaving the house now its a ritual, make sure the baby looks presentable and then check yourself for any spit up or whatever else on your person.
I feel as though my house stinks like dirty diapers and spit up, but I've been assured it doesn't.

Its just funny to me when people say the new smell of baby is intoxicating....
I have yet to feel it.

1 year 2 months

60 weeks
426 days
10,224 hours
613,440 minutes
36,806,400 seconds
Since I found out I lost my son.

The past few "14ths" have been very trying for me.
November 14th was the 1 year anniversary.
December 14th I was 8 1/2 months pregnant with Bugs baby brother Beanie aka Carter.
And now January 14th I'm the mother to an almost 3 week old.
I'm a mother.
That was the weirdest thing to type,
let alone say.
The emotions I've had in the past three weeks I can't put into words, because honestly they have been all over the place. (Thank you pregnancy hormones)

Seeing Carter in some of what were supposed to be Bugs clothes.
Hearing Carter cry when it at one point should have been Bug.
And to be the mother to only one living child when it should be two.

I was so kindly reminded that
"Well at least you only had one baby, could you imagine having two?!"

Yes.

Thank you.

I'm fully aware that I only have one child.
I have a daily reminder of that for the last year and especially now.
I should be pulling my hair out chasing after a one year old and having a newborn.
I should have two adorable baby boys.
Two mini James.
Two grandchildren for my parents.
Two nephews for my sister.
Two...

BUG IS A BIG BROTHER!

2013-2014 were by far the craziest years for James and I. 
As you know in 2013 we lost our son Bug. In 2014 we were maneuvering our way through the grief and mourning of Bug while also becoming pregnant and having his younger brother. 
The choice to keep the entirety of this pregnancy and birth a secret is not something we ask you to understand but to respect. After everything that happened with Bug, we just needed to do what we could to get through this pregnancy and have a healthy baby at the end of it.
We hate that we have to address the two following things but its already come up and we just have to say something about it now...
1)Just because we had a baby doesn't mean that everything is now "ok". We are now working our way through "new" grief and all the emotions that come with having a baby. Don't get me wrong, we are ridiculously in love and excited, but all of it is bittersweet.
And 2) Please watch your words.
He is not a miracle baby, a Christmas miracle or any other religious spin you want to put on it. "God" did not bless us with this baby because Bug died, Bug didnt send us his baby brother, Bug didn't die because we were meant to have Beanie etc etc etc.
He is a baby, that we got pregnant with like any other normal couple, that just so happened to come on Christmas due to medical reasons.
We would like to take a moment and say thank you for your continued support and understanding of this journey. This is not the way we ever imagined our lives going, but its now our reality.
We can only take it day by day.

New year, new grief

2014 is officially over and 2015 has officially started .
And its all just another sad reminder of the new grief I will be walking through this year.
New milestones Bug should have been meeting or making.
New things James and I should have been experiencing as parents of a one year old.

The new year is just sad.

Last year I was stupidly working at a vet clinic thinking that I needed to throw myself into a job and keep myself busy.
When in fact I needed to give myself the time to grieve.

This year things are much much different.

Last year I was belligerently drunk at a new years party, trying to have a good time and make it seem like everything was ok. 

This year I was home with my husband and just cried at midnight.
Like I did last year.
For all the same reasons.

So much for a happy new year.

This is gonna be one hell of a year that's for sure.