She wanted to be with her daughter....

The passing of Debbie Reynolds hit me way harder then I thought it would.

Yes I loved singing in the rain, but it was more so what she said as, what where reportedly, her last words.

She just wanted to be with her daughter.....

After having lost Bug, I totally believed that I could have died of a broken heart.

The pain in my chest every day was unbearable.

I wanted more then anything to be with him, but knew that there was no way I could leave James alone to deal with the passing of both Bug and I.

2016 has just been cruel.

There have been so many deaths in the month of December, both of celebrities,  aquantinces, and people in the community.

James coworker lost his wife and kids in a house fire.

A karaoke friend lost her 3 month old daughter to SIDS on Christmas Eve morning.

And a lady slid off the icy road and her two young daughters died in a car fire.

I am immediately "dropped" back into the feeling, emotions, tastes and smells of the labor and delivery room where I was recovering from my c section.

Seeing James there waiting for me to wake up and all I could say over and over again was "I'm so sorry"

That feeling in my chest and stomach won't go away.

When putting Carter to bed tonight I had to keep myself from crying. 

If anything ever happened to that kid, I'd be done. 

I feel so deeply for these people who are now, just beginning their journey with grief and mourning.

2017, please be gentle.

3 years

1096 days
26,304 hours
1,578,240 mintues
98,694,400 seconds
Since I lost my son. 

Today is always a hard day. 

I drank a whole bottle of wine to myself last night 
while watching Return to Zero
and crying uncontrollably. 
I was feeling slightly hungover but honestly I didn't give a shit. 
A tiny hangover is nothing compared to the feelings that surface from the death of your baby. 

I didn't leave my room for almost the whole day. 
But Carter knew I was in there and kept coming by the door and knocking...
This was the first anniversary that James and I were together since it happened.

On the first anniversary we were 8+ months pregnant with Carter and I was just hiding out in the house away from everyone until James took me to a movie.
Last year I was alone with an 11 month old and it was hell.
Thank god Jet came over to help me out that day. 
And this year James was home and with Carter while I was all in my feelings in my room.

Ignoring everything and everyone. 

Because that's what I do. 

And how I feel.

On this day in 2013, I wished everything would just stop.

In what world is it ok for my baby to die and for everyone else to just keep on living like nothing happened??!!

I guess this one. 

Because the next day came,
and I was still here, 
in a hospital bed,
recovering from a c-section 
and the 9 month pregnancy from hell
with nothing
and I mean nothing 
to show for it. 

I wasn't taking home a baby. 
I wasn't about to start the most exciting time of my life.
I wasn't about to look at James and say oh my god, 
were parents, now what do we do.

I was wheeled out of labor and delivery
with a small pastel green box
and a baby blanket.

No baby. 

Bug Buchanan 

11/14/13

1:48pm

5 lbs 8oz

18 inches long 

Tattoos

James and I had a rare weekend away 
since his mum came up and watched Carter for our anniversary.

We decided to do something spontaneous and agreed upon getting Bug tattoos. 
It had been almost three years, and we thought it would be a good idea. 

I called around to a couple of places, and finally found a place that was taking walk ins. 
At the beginning the artist seemed like a cool guy, then the appointment got worse.

James went first and decided to get a version of the Bug lamp we have in Carters room.
I had wanted Bug on the inside of my ring finger, but the artist shot that down really quick.

There is a very specific tattoo I wanted for him, that I just was not ready to get. 
I wanted to loose some weight first, and go to my artist back home.

So after shooting down all my ideas, I feel like I finally settled on a hand drawn tattoo and placement. 

And I didn't want to settle.

Bug deserves so much more. 

Anyways, James started on his tattoo, and not even a line in he passes out....
So that put a damper on the rest of the appointment....
Finally he comes to, eats something, and finishes his tattoo.

Then the artist comes to me and asks me if I had thought of something. 
I had been previously looking at butterfly tattoos, which he mentioned, and I said yeah, I was considering it. 
He then asked the meaning of a butterfly and for the first time during the appointment I explained what it meant. 

And then began the verbal diarrhea of everything you shouldn't say, that Ive heard so many times now began......

"Oh, I didn't know he died"

"Dont have it be a sad tattoo"

"Memorial tattoos are weird" 

And I was baffled. 

Who are you to tell me what I want to put on my body??

Who are you to tell me that I should feel a certain way about a tattoo??

WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU???!!!!

So after fighting with him about what and where I wanted it, I got it done, but Im not in love with it and it makes me feel awful. 

So he starts the tattoo and I start feeling sick. 
I don't know if it was my nerves after having seeing James pass out. 
I don't know if it was three years of wanting a specific tattoo and not getting it 
I don't know if it was the meaning and sentiment behind the tattoo that he shot down and made me mad about....

But I started having a full on panic attack and I couldn't take it....

He just kept telling me to lay down and calm down, I'm overthinking things, Ill be fine....

again all the things you dont tell someone when they are having a panic attack...

But I made it through the tattoo, its there on my wrist, and Carter points at it and says Bug all the time....


Needles to say,I can't wait to get the tattoo Ive wanted from the beginning.....

And I wont let anyone change my mind about any of it....

2 years 8 months

973 days 

23,352 hours 

1,401,120 minutes 

84,067,200 seconds 

since I lost my son 
Another holiday without him
and many of you may think the 4th isn't a holiday,
but being together with family and friends makes it feel like one. 

We had a bbq here at the house with a few friends. 
And we took Carter to the 4th of July parade earlier in the day,
but there is just a lingering feeling of someone missing.
I don't think I will ever get over that.....

2 years 7 months

943 days 

22,632 hours 

1,357,920 minutes 

81,457,200 seconds 

since I lost my son. 

I recently went to Vegas, and it was crazy to see how many families were there.
And I couldn't help but think 
had it been a family trip,
that James and I would have had two little boys running around
enjoying the pools and buffets. 
And trying to find things to keep two toddlers entertained. 

It seriously doesn't register with people who haven't lost someone
how every little thing that you do 
reminds you of the shoulda woulda couldas 
with that person.

Not that I would ever wish what happened on my worst enemy...
but your life is never the same. 
As much as you want it to go on normally,
it just doesn't. 

2 years 6 months

912 days

21,888 hours

1,313,280 minutes

78,796,800 seconds 

since I lost my son. 

It's weird having time hop, or on this day pop up on my phone. 

And I know if I go far enough back 

it'll have stati of me puking 

or being hungry

or some Bug related pregnancy post. 

It just hurts.

I recently read a blog about a loss mom who

hates looking back on her pictures 

because she obliviously smiled 

and thought everything would be ok.

I can't look back at myself and say that I hate "her"

I just can't look at "her" the same way

Nor could I ever prepare "her" for the rest of "her" life

knowing how different it would be..... 

2 years 5 months

76,204,800 seconds

1,270,080 minutes

21,168 hours

882 days

since I lost my son

If only April wasn't so painful.

I don't think that it will ever get easier, like I've said before.

Specific dates come around and it's like I was put back on that date in 2013... 

We were so engulfed in the fact that we were pregnant. 

I was sicker then a dog but trying to hide it since we didn't want to announce yet. 

Stupidly we thought telling everyone on our birthday was a great idea, and also because James was sending me home for my birthday and me not drinking would have given it away. 

I urge mothers in my stillbirth and baby loss groups, then when they are pregnant, to not announce on a holiday.

Some listen, and the ones that don't, then message me and say,

 I should have listened. 

2 years 4 months

851 days

20,424 hours 

1,225,440 minutes

73,526,400 seconds 

since I lost my son.

I cant say that things are getting easier
This time of year 
I'm reminded of us finding out we were pregnant later this month
and announcing in April.
These few months are just as hard as the end of the year with November being a bad month.
Its like its the beginning of the pregnancy plays all over again
and I sit here and wonder if I hadnt done this or that would he be here
Is it something that I did in the beginning of the pregnancy that would have changed the outcome...
People think that the worst day is the day that you lost them...
bot honestly its every day since then since you play every little thing over in your mind.....

2 years 3 months/ Valentine's Day

882 days

19,728 hours

1,183,680 minutes

71,020,800 seconds

since I lost my son 

Like every year it will land on Valentines day. 

Which makes the day bittersweet. 

This year was hard,but we kept ourselves busy.

Its always at night when the thoughts come flooding in along with the feelings. 

I've played in my mind over and over again our ob saying

"This is where the heartbeat should be, and there isn't one"

Valentines day being about hearts and love and baby cupids. 

Its just a weird sad and useless holiday now. 

His heart stopped. 

My heart is broken.

Things will never be the same. 

The Zoo

I was supposed to take Carter to the zoo today
but the weather here in Portland was awful
and I was not about to drag him around in the rain.
I also was so pleasantly reminded that the last time I was at the zoo
I was pregnant with you.
I honestly wasn't ready to go back there.
I knew that it would be emotional.
I dreamed so many times about taking you to the zoo.
Getting elephant ears, eating lunch looking at the birds,
and taking you to the goat petting zoo....
And all of these things my mum was so excitedly was talking about doing with your brother.
And I just wanted to cry.
There was a movie that  I watched alot after your passing called we bought a zoo
It was constantly on repeat on HBO and I just never changed it.
I loved the book and thought sure, Ill lay here and watch the movie.
But the memorable quotes were the 20 seconds about courage.
And the one about never being ready.....
I will never be ready to walk back into that place........

2 years 2 months

113 weeks

791 days

18,984 hours 

1.139,040 minutes 

68,342,400 seconds 

since I lost my son. 
I still am in awe that its another January. 
Another year has passed 
and I am still here. 
Both the end of the year 
and beginning of the year are hardest. 

The end of the year is hardest since its your anniversary
and the beginning of the year is just as hard because you are not here in it. 


2016 was supposed to be the year of your dads and I's vow renewal. 
We wanted to have you, settle into things,
lose some of the baby weight, 
and have a big party. 

We also wanted you to be old enough to walk as you were to be your dads best man. 

As everyone knows  I have an undying love for Whitney Houston.
But the song I want to dance with somebody took on a whole new meaning once I got pregnant with you. 

This was your song. 
It was going to be dads and I's song...but the fast Whitney version. 

And I was going to dance with you and your dad...

Lunch date

Today I had a lunch date out in town.
I wanted to see my friend, but at the same time was dreading it...
It wasn't so much the date, but where it was at.
I had avoided this particular place for 2 years 2 months and 22 days....
I hadn't stepped foot in it since the day before he died, when I went to lunch there with a friend for her birthday.
I was feeling so sick that we ordered our food and I had to ask to take it to go.
All this time it was just a restaurant for everyone else.
But to me it just brought back too many memories.
It recently became a new restaurant
There was no parking out in front and I circled around the block a few times.
It was both to try and find parking
And to calm down since I was shaking sweating and almost in tears.
A little voice in me told me this morning to take my anxiety meds, but I didn't since I hate the feeling of being doped up.

So I parked and walked up legit saying
Its just a building. Its just a building.
Its
Just
A
Building.

I made it through my lunch date, happy to catch up with a friend, but still had an uneasy feeling in my stomach.

I can't say going back there was easy.

My biggest accomplishment pretty much everyday is getting out of bed  
today it was walking through that door.

New Year

Its another new year
and I still cant wrap my head
and heart
around the fact
that you aren't here.
I wish that it wasn't this way
but I am constantly reminded.
I remember your dad and I
talking late at night
about how excited we were
to have a new baby in 2014
how our lives were going to change
and how we would be starting out a new year as parents....
Yeah in a sense we became parents
but not like we thought or wanted
New years eve of 2014 was awful
I was obviously emotional
and tried to make out as if everything was ok
and needles to say
emotions and alcohol aren't a good mixture.
Then fast forward to New Years eve 2015
I'm sitting at home with a 6 day old baby
bawling all over again
because it just kicked up memories.
New years of 2016
we had our first get together of our own....
and I was so distracted I wasn't really able to process everything
until everyone left and it was 3am....
and you guessed it
I was crying.