I hear it all the time
I'm so sorry,
I totally understand
I can't imagine...
No really: You Don't, You can't and you never will...
You weren't there
You weren't pregnant with him.
You weren't on the table when they couldn't find his heartbeat.
You don't have an empty nursery
You don't have a c section scar
You don't have your baby in an urn....
So stop saying you get it...
Don't tell me that you understand
Don't tell me that you know
Don't tell me that I will survive
How I will surely grow.
Don't tell me this is just a test
That I am truly blessed
That I am chosen for this task
Apart from all the rest
Don't come at me with answers
That can only come from me
Don't tell me how my grief will pass
That I will soon be free
Don't stand in pious judgment
Of the bounds I must untie
Don't tell me how to suffer
And don't tell me how to cry
Anonymous
Thursday, February 27, 2014
The Hospital
James and I had to go back there
Needless to say leaving the drs office was a slew of emotions.
There was no parking and I kinda was glad I thought we might not have to go in.
I freaked out and James had started the car for us to leave
But he finally calmed me down and we went in.
I was hoping it would be a quick in an out
Not see any pregnant women
Or babies
But it wasn't
I had to go back into the same room they checked me in at that day
I had to be asked the same million questions I was asked that morning
And I just didn't want to do it.
I started crying and probly looked crazy like I always do
and James finally got the hint and answered all the questions they were asking...
Its not like he didnt know the answers
but we got through it...
Im so glad thats over for now...
I started crying and probly looked crazy like I always do
and James finally got the hint and answered all the questions they were asking...
Its not like he didnt know the answers
but we got through it...
Im so glad thats over for now...
A friend said "You're gonna have to go back there when you are pregnant right?"
And yes I will...
but Im hoping its different.
And yes I will...
but Im hoping its different.
Monday, February 24, 2014
Nailed It!!!!!!!
I came across this letter on a support page Im a part of
It is literally everything I feel....
“I awoke this morning feeling so great. It’s been a year and a half since my 18-year-old son died, and I can finally say that I’ve worked through the grief and I am back to normal. Thank you to everyone that told me to take all the time I needed. Time certainly does heal all wounds. Now, maybe you can tolerate being my friend again as I am now the same person as I was before my son died.
And, you were right to tell me that Danny is in a better place, and that I must feel good knowing that he is not suffering any more. I do hope your children go to that better place as soon as possible so you, too, can experience such comforting thoughts.
And, thank you for telling me that you know just how I feel as many of you (my friends) have experienced loss. Loss of parents, grandparents, and even pets. At first I felt so alone and my pain so minimized by your words, but after time and getting over the initial year-long shock, I realize that the loss of a child is no more profound or devastating than that of your beloved pet. Thank you for setting me straight and making me realize that loss is loss. And, that someone who loves their pet dearly suffers the same devastation as that of a parent who loses a child.
On a couple of occasions over the past 18 months I have shared with some the overwhelming sadness in my heart, and all-over physical pain that can threaten at any given time to debilitate me. I was criticized and told that these feelings were not okay. I was informed that Danny didn’t want me to be in pain and that he would be very unhappy if he knew the extent of my suffering. Thank you for that admonishment, as of course you do know better than I.
I already suffer with the guilt of having failed to keep my son safe and healthy while he was alive. I didn’t realize that I could continue to fail my child even after death. I really appreciate the added guilt that I was perhaps making my son unhappy even in heaven.
Oh, and as so many of you have pointed out, at least I have other children. Yes, loving my other children and tending to their needs sure makes losing Danny so much easier to handle. Whenever I expressed any upset at the hurtful, insensitive support, I was quickly told I should appreciate the fact that people mean well and that sometimes they just don’t know what to say. Thank you for pointing this out. I now realize that along with my heavy burden of grief, I must also make sure that I smile and say ‘thank you’ no matter what is said. The grieving parent must not ever upset the well-intentioned by being honest!
I think it’s about time grieving parents tell the truth!! We don’t need to be bullied into being okay with whatever is being said just because it is well-intentioned. There is rampant grief illiteracy among the vast majority of people. The only ones who can bring about change are the grieving parents, so let’s start by being honest about cruel, hurtful, minimizing platitudes. We can do so kindly and tactfully. I appreciate that you care and that you mean well. Your support means a lot to me. Your words, however, are painful to hear. Let me share with you what would be helpful.
What grieving parents would appreciate:
Ask about our child – anything is fine. Don’t act like he never existed. Trust me, you may think you are reminding us of our pain, but you’re not. Our pain is always there.
Share a memory you have of my child.
Send me flowers on his birthday or his death day. Those are hard, hard days.
Grieve with us. Listen to us. And, most of all be willing to learn. We don’t need advice. Again – we do not need advice. Just remember him.
Know that I am forever changed, and accept that fact. I will never be just like I was before. This grief is different than any other. We know because we have lost pets, parents, and grandparents, uncles, aunts, and even spouses and siblings.
Our hope and our task are to learn to balance the pain and incorporate it into our lives. In order to survive it at all, the grief must become part of who we are forever.”
Sincerely,
Maureen McGowan
Bereaved Mother
It is literally everything I feel....
“I awoke this morning feeling so great. It’s been a year and a half since my 18-year-old son died, and I can finally say that I’ve worked through the grief and I am back to normal. Thank you to everyone that told me to take all the time I needed. Time certainly does heal all wounds. Now, maybe you can tolerate being my friend again as I am now the same person as I was before my son died.
And, you were right to tell me that Danny is in a better place, and that I must feel good knowing that he is not suffering any more. I do hope your children go to that better place as soon as possible so you, too, can experience such comforting thoughts.
And, thank you for telling me that you know just how I feel as many of you (my friends) have experienced loss. Loss of parents, grandparents, and even pets. At first I felt so alone and my pain so minimized by your words, but after time and getting over the initial year-long shock, I realize that the loss of a child is no more profound or devastating than that of your beloved pet. Thank you for setting me straight and making me realize that loss is loss. And, that someone who loves their pet dearly suffers the same devastation as that of a parent who loses a child.
On a couple of occasions over the past 18 months I have shared with some the overwhelming sadness in my heart, and all-over physical pain that can threaten at any given time to debilitate me. I was criticized and told that these feelings were not okay. I was informed that Danny didn’t want me to be in pain and that he would be very unhappy if he knew the extent of my suffering. Thank you for that admonishment, as of course you do know better than I.
I already suffer with the guilt of having failed to keep my son safe and healthy while he was alive. I didn’t realize that I could continue to fail my child even after death. I really appreciate the added guilt that I was perhaps making my son unhappy even in heaven.
Oh, and as so many of you have pointed out, at least I have other children. Yes, loving my other children and tending to their needs sure makes losing Danny so much easier to handle. Whenever I expressed any upset at the hurtful, insensitive support, I was quickly told I should appreciate the fact that people mean well and that sometimes they just don’t know what to say. Thank you for pointing this out. I now realize that along with my heavy burden of grief, I must also make sure that I smile and say ‘thank you’ no matter what is said. The grieving parent must not ever upset the well-intentioned by being honest!
I think it’s about time grieving parents tell the truth!! We don’t need to be bullied into being okay with whatever is being said just because it is well-intentioned. There is rampant grief illiteracy among the vast majority of people. The only ones who can bring about change are the grieving parents, so let’s start by being honest about cruel, hurtful, minimizing platitudes. We can do so kindly and tactfully. I appreciate that you care and that you mean well. Your support means a lot to me. Your words, however, are painful to hear. Let me share with you what would be helpful.
What grieving parents would appreciate:
Ask about our child – anything is fine. Don’t act like he never existed. Trust me, you may think you are reminding us of our pain, but you’re not. Our pain is always there.
Share a memory you have of my child.
Send me flowers on his birthday or his death day. Those are hard, hard days.
Grieve with us. Listen to us. And, most of all be willing to learn. We don’t need advice. Again – we do not need advice. Just remember him.
Know that I am forever changed, and accept that fact. I will never be just like I was before. This grief is different than any other. We know because we have lost pets, parents, and grandparents, uncles, aunts, and even spouses and siblings.
Our hope and our task are to learn to balance the pain and incorporate it into our lives. In order to survive it at all, the grief must become part of who we are forever.”
Sincerely,
Maureen McGowan
Bereaved Mother
Friday, February 21, 2014
Thursday, February 20, 2014
Where are you going....
I live on an island
in a really small town.
There are a few ways to get to the main roads
but I oddly hate going certain ways.
I find myself going the long way
because I don't want to pass by the funeral home.
I've been to that place 4 times.
To you that is nothing.
But for me that is 4 times too many.
The first time we were there
I physically saw and touched him for the first time.
Nothing ever prepares you to see your baby
but the first time it being at a funeral home
is something I can not put into words.
The second time was to bring them his homecoming clothes.
The little outfit we had so excitedly packed away in my hospital bag at 37 weeks.
We had asked them the first time there if we could have him dressed nicely.
Even though we didn't have a funeral I still wanted him to be dressed nice and comfy.
I emotionally couldn't do it so they did and had us come back.
When we went in the third time we got to see him again, and for the last time.
He was dressed in that outfit
and
he
looked
perfect.
The last time we went there was to get his ashes.
A tiny little gold urn
with a tiny little gold plaque
with his little name
and the date.
The day that was supposed to be the biggest day of our lives.
And it is
And it always will be.
in a really small town.
There are a few ways to get to the main roads
but I oddly hate going certain ways.
I find myself going the long way
because I don't want to pass by the funeral home.
I've been to that place 4 times.
To you that is nothing.
But for me that is 4 times too many.
The first time we were there
I physically saw and touched him for the first time.
Nothing ever prepares you to see your baby
but the first time it being at a funeral home
is something I can not put into words.
The second time was to bring them his homecoming clothes.
The little outfit we had so excitedly packed away in my hospital bag at 37 weeks.
We had asked them the first time there if we could have him dressed nicely.
Even though we didn't have a funeral I still wanted him to be dressed nice and comfy.
I emotionally couldn't do it so they did and had us come back.
When we went in the third time we got to see him again, and for the last time.
He was dressed in that outfit
and
he
looked
perfect.
The last time we went there was to get his ashes.
A tiny little gold urn
with a tiny little gold plaque
with his little name
and the date.
The day that was supposed to be the biggest day of our lives.
And it is
And it always will be.
Lies
My mom, she tells a lot of lies.
She never did before.
But from now until she dies,
She'll tell a whole lot more.
Ask my mom how she is,
And because she can't explain,
She will tell a little lie
Because she can't describe the pain.
Ask my mom how she is,
She'll say that she's alright.
If that's the truth, then tell me,
Why does she cry each night?
Ask my mom how she is,
She seems to cope so well.
She doesn't have a choice, you see.
Nor the strength enough to yell.
Ask my mom how she is,
"I'm fine, I'm well, I'm coping."
For God's sake mom, just tell the truth.
Just say your heart is broken.
She will love me all her life.
I sure loved her all of mine,
But if you ask her how she is
She'll lie and say she's fine.
I am here in Heaven,
I cannot hug her from here.
If she lies to you, don't listen.
Hug her and hold her near.
On the day we meet again,
We'll smile and I'll be bold.
I'll say, "You're lucky you got in here mom,
With all the lies you told!"
-Author Unknown
She never did before.
But from now until she dies,
She'll tell a whole lot more.
Ask my mom how she is,
And because she can't explain,
She will tell a little lie
Because she can't describe the pain.
Ask my mom how she is,
She'll say that she's alright.
If that's the truth, then tell me,
Why does she cry each night?
Ask my mom how she is,
She seems to cope so well.
She doesn't have a choice, you see.
Nor the strength enough to yell.
Ask my mom how she is,
"I'm fine, I'm well, I'm coping."
For God's sake mom, just tell the truth.
Just say your heart is broken.
She will love me all her life.
I sure loved her all of mine,
But if you ask her how she is
She'll lie and say she's fine.
I am here in Heaven,
I cannot hug her from here.
If she lies to you, don't listen.
Hug her and hold her near.
On the day we meet again,
We'll smile and I'll be bold.
I'll say, "You're lucky you got in here mom,
With all the lies you told!"
-Author Unknown
Wednesday, February 19, 2014
Im Sorry
Im sorry that you are so pathetic and feel that you need to harass a grieving family.
Im sorry that you have nothing better to do with your life.
Im sorry that your parents never taught you how to shut your fucking mouth if you have nothing nice to say
I obviously have some impact on you since you keep coming back...
Just cant leave well enough alone can you....
Ive had over 50,000 views on this blog
200 comments
and so many mothers thanking me for being a voice of strength for them when they thought they had no one else who understood.
You are doing nothing but adding fuel to my fire
Im only gonna write more,
talk louder
and love harder.
And so help me god
when I find out who you are
its coming honey...
watch out.
Im sorry that you have nothing better to do with your life.
Im sorry that your parents never taught you how to shut your fucking mouth if you have nothing nice to say
I obviously have some impact on you since you keep coming back...
Just cant leave well enough alone can you....
Ive had over 50,000 views on this blog
200 comments
and so many mothers thanking me for being a voice of strength for them when they thought they had no one else who understood.
You are doing nothing but adding fuel to my fire
Im only gonna write more,
talk louder
and love harder.
And so help me god
when I find out who you are
its coming honey...
watch out.
Seriously...Again....?
Its really pathetic you have nothing better to do then to hassle a grieving mother...
As if my life right now isnt already hard enough, you adding your immature bullshit really isn't helping.
Fuck off and leave me alone.
And again if you are gonna talk shit
stop being such a pussy
and say it to my face!!!!!
Oh and your user name....
hahaiwinnn...
no one wins when a baby dies...
Grow up.
As if my life right now isnt already hard enough, you adding your immature bullshit really isn't helping.
Fuck off and leave me alone.
And again if you are gonna talk shit
stop being such a pussy
and say it to my face!!!!!
Oh and your user name....
hahaiwinnn...
no one wins when a baby dies...
Grow up.
Monday, February 17, 2014
Practice
At roller derby practice tonight a lady brought her son
He kept yelling
go mommy!
Or hi mommy!
Or look that's mom!
And it took everything me for not to cry...
I want my husband and son there watching me do this...
I want my own little hype man...
Then I go to thinking why I am there and get angry at myself.
I there because my baby didn't make it and I again, threw myself into something to keep myself physically busy and my mind off things.
But leaving practice
I just burst into tears...
So badly I almost couldn't drive home...
I can't help but feel guilty and sad about all the things I'm doing
and if I had a baby
in reality
wouldn't be doing.
I can't say I'd do derby... Or at least not for a while...
I wouldn't be going out to bars or parties
I would actually really enjoy
being at home
with my son
But again...
That's not my reality.
And it never will be.
Thursday, February 13, 2014
Three Months
13 weeks
92 days
2208 hours
132,480 minutes
7,948,800 seconds
I found out I lost my son.
This month it just so happens to have landed on Valentines Day....
A day about love
and hearts
His wasn't beating anymore
It meant he was no longer alive.
My entire pregnancy he had the strongest heartbeat...
I always could find it, on the left side of my stomach
where he always decided to position himself...
It was such a comforting sound.
I remember charging the video camera before my 16 week appointment
So James could bring it
and of course we forgot
92 days
2208 hours
132,480 minutes
7,948,800 seconds
I found out I lost my son.
This month it just so happens to have landed on Valentines Day....
A day about love
and hearts
His wasn't beating anymore
It meant he was no longer alive.
My entire pregnancy he had the strongest heartbeat...
I always could find it, on the left side of my stomach
where he always decided to position himself...
It was such a comforting sound.
I remember charging the video camera before my 16 week appointment
So James could bring it
and of course we forgot
and he didn't want to record it on his phone.
I remember the first time we saw his heart beat
At 8 weeks
He looked like a little gummy bear
And in his chest there was a little grey flicker.
That first ultrasound made everything real.
I only have one video of his heartbeat.
It was from my first appointment in Oregon
with Ashley
who wanted to record it and send it to James.
I remember my sister coming to a baby appointment and saying
woah, it sounds like a jellyfish!
the first time that she ever heard it.
I only have one video of his heartbeat.
It was from my first appointment in Oregon
with Ashley
who wanted to record it and send it to James.
I remember my sister coming to a baby appointment and saying
woah, it sounds like a jellyfish!
the first time that she ever heard it.
It was a routine at my appointments
Hear his heart beat
Measure my tummy
Take a couple ultrasound pics
And out the door I went
Every time I heard it I would smile.
I never thought that I wouldn't hear it again.
I'm pretty sure my heart stopped beating that day too...
Every time I heard it I would smile.
I never thought that I wouldn't hear it again.
I'm pretty sure my heart stopped beating that day too...
Wednesday, February 12, 2014
Baby Steps
You will get "there"
You will get through "this"
It'll take "time"
Just put one foot in front of the other
Just take baby steps....
You don't even realize what you are saying...
Its verbal diarrhea that just comes out that you can't stop
That you think is going to help me
But in fact it hurts more...
and the fact that you said baby steps makes me want to punch you in the face
Where is there?
What is this?
You really think that anything baby sits well with me right now...
Seriously just shut up and say nothing at all.
I don't want to hear it anymore...
You will get through "this"
It'll take "time"
Just put one foot in front of the other
Just take baby steps....
You don't even realize what you are saying...
Its verbal diarrhea that just comes out that you can't stop
That you think is going to help me
But in fact it hurts more...
and the fact that you said baby steps makes me want to punch you in the face
Where is there?
What is this?
You really think that anything baby sits well with me right now...
Seriously just shut up and say nothing at all.
I don't want to hear it anymore...
Tuesday, February 11, 2014
The Deafening Silence
This was the hardest 25 minutes of my life to watch, but this is the best interpretation of what happened that day, our feelings, and how we are still dealing with this.
You are being pulled a million different directions by your emotions, doctors, nurses, etc.
You keep playing it over and over again in your head.
You hear nothing anyone is saying
You are in your own little world.....
Monday, February 10, 2014
Hoarding
I like a dumb ass, started a "Hoarders" marathon.
my heart got heavy
feeling for the people
who had a loved one pass
and they for too long
have been holding on to their things
and in many cases,
everything.
I am constantly asked what I am going to do with all of Bug's things.
The thing that hurts the most is going into that room.
I can't put the last of the things I have of my son in boxes.
And we were so far along that those were HIS things...
I want to scream when people say
"You can always use that for another baby"
Dont get me wrong, had he made it, we wouldve saved them
for another Buchanan...
But now we cant.
We had, with everything, imagined him in his custom made onsies from my baby shower
the Duck jersey Mama Duck gave us that James was so excited about
the pirate onsie my sister gave me that was my favorite
and the little bear jacket that was supposed to be his homecoming outfit,
but ended up being the outfit he was cremated in...
I just can't see me getting rid of his things.
Its all I have left of my baby.
my heart got heavy
feeling for the people
who had a loved one pass
and they for too long
have been holding on to their things
and in many cases,
everything.
I am constantly asked what I am going to do with all of Bug's things.
The thing that hurts the most is going into that room.
I can't put the last of the things I have of my son in boxes.
And we were so far along that those were HIS things...
I want to scream when people say
"You can always use that for another baby"
Dont get me wrong, had he made it, we wouldve saved them
for another Buchanan...
But now we cant.
We had, with everything, imagined him in his custom made onsies from my baby shower
the Duck jersey Mama Duck gave us that James was so excited about
the pirate onsie my sister gave me that was my favorite
and the little bear jacket that was supposed to be his homecoming outfit,
but ended up being the outfit he was cremated in...
I just can't see me getting rid of his things.
Its all I have left of my baby.
Sunday, February 9, 2014
A weekend
A weekend at home was what I thought I needed
but it was far more emotional then I thought it was going to be
and for what I think I was ready for
Seeing the couch that I laid on day after day
where I would take videos of him kicking
to send to his daddy
hurt so bad to sit on...
and I couldn't sit in
that spot....
walking into both of my parents houses
without a baby
was just awful.
I was so excited for my first time bring him home
to grandma and grandpas houses
but that will never happen...
I had imagined coming home to Portland
driving around my old stomping grounds with a baby
showing him off
and being a mom
packing my car again for the drive back home
but this time not with baby things
or a baby
was I think
the most painful
a weekend was all it took
to kick up what I thought was settled dust
but it was far more emotional then I thought it was going to be
and for what I think I was ready for
Seeing the couch that I laid on day after day
where I would take videos of him kicking
to send to his daddy
hurt so bad to sit on...
and I couldn't sit in
that spot....
walking into both of my parents houses
without a baby
was just awful.
I was so excited for my first time bring him home
to grandma and grandpas houses
but that will never happen...
I had imagined coming home to Portland
driving around my old stomping grounds with a baby
showing him off
and being a mom
packing my car again for the drive back home
but this time not with baby things
or a baby
was I think
the most painful
a weekend was all it took
to kick up what I thought was settled dust
Thursday, February 6, 2014
Tuesday, February 4, 2014
So...how have you been?
Had a recheck appointment today with our dr.
She about the only other person I am honest to
besides James
The car ride is always hard.
James and I can laugh and joke until we get to the last road
right before the hospital
Its not any easier going into that office
seeing the receptionist
the nurses
that room...
but we have to.
Everyone there is anxiously awaiting us having prenatal appointments there again...
to see this come full circle
where things so badly ended before
would be some kind of closure.
The office remembered us
their receptionists cried.
I had never seen anyone so excited to see us as parents.
She about the only other person I am honest to
besides James
The car ride is always hard.
James and I can laugh and joke until we get to the last road
right before the hospital
Its not any easier going into that office
seeing the receptionist
the nurses
that room...
but we have to.
Everyone there is anxiously awaiting us having prenatal appointments there again...
to see this come full circle
where things so badly ended before
would be some kind of closure.
The office remembered us
their receptionists cried.
I had never seen anyone so excited to see us as parents.
Monday, February 3, 2014
Maternity Photos
I didn't want maternity photos
I didn't want to be photographed
when I thought I looked like the worlds biggest manatee
But everyone insisted that I should do them
It was their biggest regret of their pregnancy if they didn't
looking back it now Im really glad we did them...
they are the only photos I have of us
Me, James and Bug.
We had the sweetest photographer during our maternity photos.
She herself had 2 boys and 1 girl.
She put up with me not wanting super posey pictures
or traditional (personally I think hella stupid) maternity poses...
and she captured exactly what I wanted.
Our photos ended up coming a month or so after Bug passed.
She kept trying to coordinate a time for me to come pick them up
and finally I asked if she could mail them.
She said
"Of course!
Im sure with a new baby times are a little hectic right now!"
Let me know when you want to do your newborn shoot!
I cant wait to meet him! "
Ouch....
About a week after that she messaged me asking how they turned out and if I liked them
and in all honesty
I hadn't looked at them
It hurt too much to do so
So I finally had to tell her the truth.
Our son was stillborn at 38 weeks.
I dont have the heart to look at the photos yet, it just hurts too much.
But I wanted to say that you for capturing what was the last happy moments we had with our son.
About 2 weeks ago I got the cd out at just stared at it....
I think it sat on my bedstand table for a good week till I had the guts to take it out of the envelope.
After that it just sat there for another week.
I finally I downloaded them onto James computer.
I never looked at them...
Not till last week.
The first few photos I got through ok
then it just got harder and harder...
the reality that those are the only photos I have of James my son and I
the reality that I didn't get to have the newborn photos that you are supposed to have afterwords...
the fact that James and I looked so happy (and slightly scared) about how much our lives were going to change....
needless to say I didn't get through the photos.
Then today, James and I were talking babies (of course)
and I asked if he had seen them...
I didnt even wait for his answer and I started to go through them
and immediately started crying...
and James being James
closed out the pictures
shut the laptop
and just hugged me
he knew.
I didn't have to say a thing.
(Yes, this is me and Bug)
I didn't want to be photographed
when I thought I looked like the worlds biggest manatee
But everyone insisted that I should do them
It was their biggest regret of their pregnancy if they didn't
looking back it now Im really glad we did them...
they are the only photos I have of us
Me, James and Bug.
We had the sweetest photographer during our maternity photos.
She herself had 2 boys and 1 girl.
She put up with me not wanting super posey pictures
or traditional (personally I think hella stupid) maternity poses...
and she captured exactly what I wanted.
Our photos ended up coming a month or so after Bug passed.
She kept trying to coordinate a time for me to come pick them up
and finally I asked if she could mail them.
She said
"Of course!
Im sure with a new baby times are a little hectic right now!"
Let me know when you want to do your newborn shoot!
I cant wait to meet him! "
Ouch....
About a week after that she messaged me asking how they turned out and if I liked them
and in all honesty
I hadn't looked at them
It hurt too much to do so
So I finally had to tell her the truth.
Our son was stillborn at 38 weeks.
I dont have the heart to look at the photos yet, it just hurts too much.
But I wanted to say that you for capturing what was the last happy moments we had with our son.
About 2 weeks ago I got the cd out at just stared at it....
I think it sat on my bedstand table for a good week till I had the guts to take it out of the envelope.
After that it just sat there for another week.
I finally I downloaded them onto James computer.
I never looked at them...
Not till last week.
The first few photos I got through ok
then it just got harder and harder...
the reality that those are the only photos I have of James my son and I
the reality that I didn't get to have the newborn photos that you are supposed to have afterwords...
the fact that James and I looked so happy (and slightly scared) about how much our lives were going to change....
needless to say I didn't get through the photos.
Then today, James and I were talking babies (of course)
and I asked if he had seen them...
I didnt even wait for his answer and I started to go through them
and immediately started crying...
and James being James
closed out the pictures
shut the laptop
and just hugged me
he knew.
I didn't have to say a thing.
Seriously....
Im sure to some this is going to come across as
bitchy
self centered
heartless
and many other descriptions of a person
but
I DONT CARE THAT YOU ARE PREGNANT.
6 people have gone out of their way to say
" I just wanted to let you know that Im pregnant, and I just wanted to let you know personally since I dont know how you would react to it since everything happened....so what do you think"
Firstly
personally isnt via a Facebook message or txt.
Personally is a phonecall
or a face to face conversation.
Secondly, the things I am thinking and want to say I cant tell you.
Trust me, you wouldnt like it.
Whats even funnier to me is that you think I care....
unfortunately people are going to get pregnant
and babies are going to be born
every
fucking
day.
I have no choice in the matter
trust me tho
I block you on every social media outlet
and ignore if and when you message or txt me
I dont want to take away from your happiness...
but I dont give a flying fuck.
go about your pregnancy and leave me out of it
no one will ever be involved in another one of mine.
thats for sure.
bitchy
self centered
heartless
and many other descriptions of a person
but
I DONT CARE THAT YOU ARE PREGNANT.
6 people have gone out of their way to say
" I just wanted to let you know that Im pregnant, and I just wanted to let you know personally since I dont know how you would react to it since everything happened....so what do you think"
Firstly
personally isnt via a Facebook message or txt.
Personally is a phonecall
or a face to face conversation.
Secondly, the things I am thinking and want to say I cant tell you.
Trust me, you wouldnt like it.
Whats even funnier to me is that you think I care....
unfortunately people are going to get pregnant
and babies are going to be born
every
fucking
day.
I have no choice in the matter
trust me tho
I block you on every social media outlet
and ignore if and when you message or txt me
I dont want to take away from your happiness...
but I dont give a flying fuck.
go about your pregnancy and leave me out of it
no one will ever be involved in another one of mine.
thats for sure.
2am
2am was my morning snack time
It was like clockwork
I would be awake around 1
Hungry but not starving
By 2am I was pretty sure I could eat a horse.
It was always the same snack too... I'm a creature of habit
One Greek yogurt and a banana or grapes
I used to love my morning feedings.
The yogurt was cold so he'd kick and squirm.
I'd talk to him like really...was that necessary
Then he would snuggle back up and pretty soon we would both be asleep again
My body (and stomach) keep me in that awkward pattern.
I really wish some of these things would stop...
I just want to sleep.
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