Twas the night before Christmas...

And all through the house
Not a creature was stirring...

Well we all know that's a lie.

Another sleepless night full of the
Should have
Could have
Would have
Beens.

Another night where all the emotions you've been trying to surpress for the entire month so you don't seem like the sad mopey person during the holidays comes to the surface.

And it hits you.

It hits you hard.

Its another one of those nights where you have the gut wrenching tears and can't catch your breath.
You allow yourself to have the full fledged breakdown because you've been trying to keep your shit together the whole month for everyone else.

But you realize you don't owe anyone an explanation.

You are this way because you have to say 

I should have my son this Christmas.

My baby should have his first stocking.

Our family card should have me, James, Bug and the dogs.

But it doesn't.

And it never will....

1 year 1 month

34,128,000 seconds
568,800 minutes
9480 hours
395 days
56 weeks
since I lost my son.

I'm just numb and going through the motions of the holidays without really acknowledging them.
When asked what my plans for Christmas are I inwardly cringe, but say family is coming into town and leave it at that.

It should be Bugs first big Christmas.

He would have been one. Not like he would really be into gifts and the whole Santa thing yet, but we would have been able to get him more interactive toys and such.

But instead we are finding a host family and donating 1 year old boy toys, and making a memorial donation to stillbirth research.

Its the second holiday season without him, but it feels like the first.

I hate all the people who unknowling are waving in my face their baby's first Christmas experience...but it is what it is.

I am also dreading Christmas day , because we all know someone is gonna use that day to announce a pregnancy of some kind or another.
There are tons of ladies in a baby loss group I'm a part of that have Santa hats on their ultrasounds, or wrapped them in presents or hung a pregnancy test from the tree, or are announcing the gender with a stocking.
Its cute, I get it your excited, so was I, but I just want to scream don't do it!

There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of him, but the holidays seem to make it all so much worse.

Someone said today, I don't understand why people decide to be miserable during the happiest time of the year...being miserable is a choice and they should choose otherwise...

Im sorry some of us don't have that "choice"

I can't choose when and how I grieve.

Its beginning to look alot like Christmas

I can't sleep, just got a lot on my mind. James before Thanksgiving actually got me a tree because he said he wanted one this year. I honestly really didn't know how I'd feel about it all, the holidays just aren't the same for us...
But I finally got tired of staring at the damn box so I put that shit together.
Of course I got emotional.
I should be worried about where were placing it and what ornaments to hang where so Bug wouldn't pull them off the tree...

We were supposed to have a 1 year old this Christmas.

All those things just sit there in the back of your mind and pop up when you do things like this.
Everyone is always so excited about putting up a tree, but it really just stings and is a reminder of all the time that past and all that should have been.
Its sad to not have the "Baby's first Christmas" ornament, it really really hurts.
I'm part of a group for ladies trying to concieve after a loss and so many women are announcing pregnancies with Christmas this year and I just cringe.
From personal experience we announced Bug on our birthday, we thought (at the time) it was a cute idea....but every year when that day rolls around it just hurts even more...

So its beginning to look a lot like Christmas, I just don't think it will feel like it for a while...

Holiday Parties

Tis the season.
Invites for parties are beginning to come in and my anxiety is going up with the decisions to attend or not.
Almost every other year James and I loved going, but now this year we have one of two options.

Option 1: Fake it till ya make it.
That includes plastering on a face and smile, ugly christmas sweater or what have you, and getting a present for the host.

Sadly I've become so good at this I don't know what's real or what's fake anymore...

Option 2: Be honest with myself and stay home because honestly, I don't want to pretend to be happy and ruin someone else's party...

Seeing other peoples kids dressed up all fancy and hearing about what they accomplished this year is too much to handle.

Emotionally, mentally and physically, this is exhausting.

They say it "gets easier" with time....
I'm still waiting for it to do so...