Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is the hardest of all holidays, since we expected to have you that day in 2013.
Yet you came two weeks earlier, and we didn't get to bring you home.
I find it ridiculous that on social media people write the I'm so thankful posts.
We hear you complain the rest of the year but you take the one day to act like all is good. We get it.
But I'm not about to sit here and say I'm thankful.
Don't get me wrong.
I have a roof over my head, a bed to sleep in, food in my belly and my family.
But its not the same.
And it never will be.
Yes we have Carter.
But it doesn't make any of this better.
I still only had one baby at my dinner table yesterday.
And every other day.

The 16th is just like the 14th

On the 16th was the day we told everyone we had lost Bug. 

Little did everyone know that he had passed two days before
and James and I were trying to deal with the aftermath of his passing. 

My inactivity on facebook and the phone 
led many people to believe that I was having the baby. 

And in turn, at the hospital, my phone was blowing up with 
texts and phone calls of congratulations and well wishes for his delivery
while I was really laying there recovering from a 9 month pregnancy,a c section
and no baby to show for it.

I honestly don't remember much of that day 

I was so emotionally numb
and high off the pain and anxiety meds

I can tell you that James and I went into separate rooms and called all the people
we wanted to notify before it was posted on facebook.
I've previously written a blog about that experience (or from what I remembered) 

I later went back through my phone and saw phone calls
and text conversations I don't ever remember having. 

I remember James taking my phone after someone said that 
"They understood exactly how I was feeling"
and in my anger I threw the phone at the wall
because they would never know....

I finally turned off my phone 
for days 
not answering the what felt like hundreds of calls and texts. 

Thankfully James vetted all the calls and texts 
and made sure all the arrangements for rechecks, the funeral home
and anything else was taken care of. 

But it doesn't take away from the feeling like I've lost him twice.
On both the 14th and the 16th....

2 years

730 days

17.620 hours

1,051,200 minutes

63,072,000 seconds 

since I lost my son 

This year was so much harder then last year. 

I was alone

And I had Carter. 

The morning started like any other since Carter was born.

I overheard a soft babbling from his room over the monitor 

and I went to make a bottle to put him back to sleep.

But of course, out of all mornings to stay awake

he chose this one. 

While stumbling to the kitchen in my half asleep state,

I realized what day it was, what I was doing etc,

and amidst my bottle making the tears started. 

I looked at the clock and it was 6:32.

I have mastered changing and feedings in the dark,

so Carter had no idea of my crying or sadness yet,

but he didn't go back to sleep like he normally does 

Emotionally I couldn't handle seeing him that day. 

I looked at him and it sadly was with anger. 

Why did he make it and Bug didn't?

(which is a weird feeling since we almost lost Carter as well) 

Why was he so happy and unaware of what the day was? 

Why couldn't he see my world and chest were caving in and I just wanted to ball up and cry? 

I had previously spoken to multiple people 

who said if I needed anything that day to let me know.

No shade, but it seemed like everyone who offered

forgot what day it was, was having their own "thing" going on

or became busy with other plans.

So I messaged one of James coworkers 

who has become a great friend

and without hesitation he came over.

I was a mess when he came in the door. 

Hair undid,

no makeup

puffy eyes

snot and tears running down my face. 

And I lost it all over again. 

He took Carter, fed him breakfast and played with him for some time

while I was in my room crying on the phone with James. 

I finally came out and said 

lets go somewhere 

lets do something

so we packed up Carter and went to lynnwood. 

I went to lunch

I went to the mall 

and I put on the best face I could. 

For Carter and everyone else. 

But inside my heart was breaking yet pounding out of my chest. 

We got back to the house, and a few other friends came over. 

I was able to make it through the evening with a mixture of 

alcohol, anxiety medications and for the sheer fact 

that I didn't want to cry in front of anyone anymore. 

But once everyone else left

I called James again

And pretty much bawled myself to sleep.

You dont have to tell me

I already know that its November.
My anniversary is both a happy and sad day since 2013.
After October comes November.

It happens every year.

The first causes so much anxiety.
It, without fail
begins the awful countdown
to the worst day of my life.

I feel like Im the only one that hates the beginning of November.
Everyone else becomes excited for Thanksgiving and Family
And Im just in my own little corner dreading the passing of every day.