Coco Butter

My hands were dry

and I wanted lotion. 

I didn't even realize what I was reaching for 

until a glob of it was pumped out into my hand 

The smell overwhelmed my nostrils

And the tears took over my eyes and face. 

A glob of lotion put me in that place.

Where I was newly pregnant terrified of getting stretch marks and rubbing that shit on me any chance I got. 

I was so neauseous and every smell got to me but no matter how sick I was I would put that lotion on. 

I slowly started using more and more of it as he grew, making sure every bit of my belly was covered....

just as I did that morning....

The last morning I used that lotion.

That smell used to make me happy. 

But now I feel as if my skin is burning and want nothing more then to shower and get it off of me. 

9 months

9 months 
38 weeks 
272 days 
6528 hours
391,680 minutes 
23,500,800 seconds 

since
I was told 
I lost my son.
When the 13th lands on a Wednesday 

I think it's the hardest. 

Knowing that the 14th is on a Thursday just kills me. 

I for the life of me yesterday 

could not get my shit together. 

I was crying over every little thing. 

Had a panic attack while driving so bad I had to pull over on the side of the road. 

The weather was just like that day. 

I had a knot in my stomach which in turn made me sick 

Like I was that day. 

And to top it all off he's been gone 9 months 

exactly 38 weeks. 

9,38,14 are all bad numbers to me now. 

In the time that's hes been gone

is exactly the time I actually had him.

I still don't think that I will ever be ok with the reality that I am a childless mother.             

Bugs Star

A star package from the international star registry was given to us in honor of Bug a few months back. 

We still don't know who donated it but we love it none the less. 

A friend of mine went with me to get it framed and I've had it, nicely wrapped, in the spare bedroom since. 

I didn't know how I would feel about it finally having it hung and displayed in the house, but James finally put it up on Sunday. 

I can't say the feeling that came over me once it was hung was closure 

I don't think I will ever have that 

but maybe that of acceptance? 

Of course it was tearful.  

My heart felt heavy. 

I would much rather be hanging up his pictures, not a memorial star. 

But it's there, right when you come in the house 

for everyone to see

and it feels like we have a little piece of him there with us always 

🐛⭐️💔