4 years

1,461 days

35,064 hours

2,103,840 minutes

126,230,400 seconds

since I lost my son.

I honestly can say that this anniversary has been one of the hardest ones to date. 

Im not at 1449 Central.

I am no longer on Whidbey Island where everything happened.

Im not around the people that understood the magnitude of this day.

I wasn't able to do the things I would normally do to make this day feel "better" 

I didn't get out of bed until 3pm today.
Every little thing made me cry.
I only talked to two people
and I don't care that I did what I did.
Its just what I do to get through this month, these weeks, this day.

I didn't even make it into 2 minutes of return to zero and the uncontrollable crying started.

I always watch this movie 

alone 

on this day, 

and I knew this year it wouldn't be any different.

But for the first time I didn't finish it.
I don't know if I will. 

I was talking with my girlfriend the other day and she asked do you ever look at your life, like you're an outsider looking in, like you aren't really living it?

I said yes.

All the time. 

I still can't believe this day happened. 

I can't believe this happened to me.

You ask me about November 13th and 14th and I can still give you an exact play by play.

I remember it like it was yesterday.

Im sure if you asked any loss mom she could tell you the same

I replay this day in my mind over and over again

wondering what I did wrong

what did I miss

why didn't I know

could I have changed the outcome of this day in any way...

I wish more then anything that day ended differently.

And I will for the rest of my life.