Three Months

13 weeks
92 days
2208 hours
132,480 minutes
7,948,800 seconds
I found out I lost my son.

This month it just so happens to have landed on Valentines Day....
A day about love
and hearts

His wasn't beating anymore

It meant he was no longer alive.

My entire pregnancy he had  the strongest heartbeat...
I always could find it, on the left side of my stomach
where he always decided to position himself...
It was such a comforting sound.

I remember charging the video camera before my 16 week appointment
So James could bring it
and of course we forgot

and he didn't want to record it on his phone. 

I remember the first time we saw his heart beat

At 8 weeks 

He looked like a little gummy bear

And in his chest there was a little grey flicker. 

That first ultrasound made everything real. 

I only have one video of his heartbeat.
It was from my first appointment in Oregon
with Ashley
who wanted to record it and send it to James.

I remember my sister coming to a baby appointment and saying
woah, it sounds like a jellyfish!
the first time that she ever heard it.

It was a routine at my appointments

Hear his heart beat 

Measure my tummy 

Take a couple ultrasound pics 

And out the door I went 

Every time I heard it I would smile.


I never thought that I wouldn't hear it again.

I'm pretty sure my heart stopped beating that day too...