The 16th is just like the 14th

On the 16th was the day we told everyone we had lost Bug. 

Little did everyone know that he had passed two days before
and James and I were trying to deal with the aftermath of his passing. 

My inactivity on facebook and the phone 
led many people to believe that I was having the baby. 

And in turn, at the hospital, my phone was blowing up with 
texts and phone calls of congratulations and well wishes for his delivery
while I was really laying there recovering from a 9 month pregnancy,a c section
and no baby to show for it.

I honestly don't remember much of that day 

I was so emotionally numb
and high off the pain and anxiety meds

I can tell you that James and I went into separate rooms and called all the people
we wanted to notify before it was posted on facebook.
I've previously written a blog about that experience (or from what I remembered) 

I later went back through my phone and saw phone calls
and text conversations I don't ever remember having. 

I remember James taking my phone after someone said that 
"They understood exactly how I was feeling"
and in my anger I threw the phone at the wall
because they would never know....

I finally turned off my phone 
for days 
not answering the what felt like hundreds of calls and texts. 

Thankfully James vetted all the calls and texts 
and made sure all the arrangements for rechecks, the funeral home
and anything else was taken care of. 

But it doesn't take away from the feeling like I've lost him twice.
On both the 14th and the 16th....