2 years

730 days

17.620 hours

1,051,200 minutes

63,072,000 seconds 

since I lost my son 

This year was so much harder then last year. 

I was alone

And I had Carter. 

The morning started like any other since Carter was born.

I overheard a soft babbling from his room over the monitor 

and I went to make a bottle to put him back to sleep.

But of course, out of all mornings to stay awake

he chose this one. 

While stumbling to the kitchen in my half asleep state,

I realized what day it was, what I was doing etc,

and amidst my bottle making the tears started. 

I looked at the clock and it was 6:32.

I have mastered changing and feedings in the dark,

so Carter had no idea of my crying or sadness yet,

but he didn't go back to sleep like he normally does 

Emotionally I couldn't handle seeing him that day. 

I looked at him and it sadly was with anger. 

Why did he make it and Bug didn't?

(which is a weird feeling since we almost lost Carter as well) 

Why was he so happy and unaware of what the day was? 

Why couldn't he see my world and chest were caving in and I just wanted to ball up and cry? 

I had previously spoken to multiple people 

who said if I needed anything that day to let me know.

No shade, but it seemed like everyone who offered

forgot what day it was, was having their own "thing" going on

or became busy with other plans.

So I messaged one of James coworkers 

who has become a great friend

and without hesitation he came over.

I was a mess when he came in the door. 

Hair undid,

no makeup

puffy eyes

snot and tears running down my face. 

And I lost it all over again. 

He took Carter, fed him breakfast and played with him for some time

while I was in my room crying on the phone with James. 

I finally came out and said 

lets go somewhere 

lets do something

so we packed up Carter and went to lynnwood. 

I went to lunch

I went to the mall 

and I put on the best face I could. 

For Carter and everyone else. 

But inside my heart was breaking yet pounding out of my chest. 

We got back to the house, and a few other friends came over. 

I was able to make it through the evening with a mixture of 

alcohol, anxiety medications and for the sheer fact 

that I didn't want to cry in front of anyone anymore. 

But once everyone else left

I called James again

And pretty much bawled myself to sleep.