Candles and Shirts

Today was Carters sip and see.
I anxiously ran around the house making sure everything was perfect and ready.
I personally, am absolutely terrified if my house smells bad, so I have candles in every room.
Including the nursery.
The candle in there, I bought for you and what was to be your nursery.
For more then a year that candle, like everything else in that room,  just sat there.
I couldn't smell the "soft candle" scent at Yankee candle for the longest time.
I don't know what compelled me to light that candle today.
I honestly never thought that I would use it.
But I did, and I got a little teary eyed.
Its a soft and comforting smell, but in the instant that I lit it, I was thrown back to being pregnant with you.
walking around the streets of Tanasbourne
excitedly buying that candle
putting it in what was to be your nursery
taking the lid off and letting the scent fill the room and hallway
and talking with the lady about doing candle birth announcements.

And then while getting ready for today,
I realized, again without planning it,
that I was wearing the same shirt that I wore at your baby shower...

And now while writing this I realized that both you and your brother had water/ocean themed parties....

I without being aware of everything, realized that you were here...
and in more ways then one, today out of all days, you showed me.


I have to add that I am quite proud of myself for keeping my shit together today...
This entire journey has been an emotional rollercoaster that I would, more then anything, like to get off of, but unfortunately I dont have that choice.

"You've always been a mom"

moth·er 1  (mŭth′ər)

n.

1.

a. A woman who gives birth to a child.

I want to scream when people say that.
Bug made you a mom....yeah ok, sure...

There's a saying that women are mothers when they find out they are pregnant and men are fathers once they hold the baby.

Well in my case that was not true.

The entire pregnancy I cringed whenever people called me mama, and especially after Bug died.

I am not one of those people that called themselves an angel mom, called him an angel baby etc etc etc.
Those are all such weird titles to me.

It was also a title that I had not yet earned or deserved.

There is a side of the baby loss community that is proud they were pregnant and had their baby and are a mother to an angel, but that was never me.

Don't get me wrong, I was happy I was pregnant as awful as the pregnancy was. But having had a dead baby was not a "proud" moment for me.

To each their own I'm not here to judge I'm only telling you how I feel.

I was recently told by someone the lame ass "Everything happens for a reason. Dont get me wrong you were supposed to have Bug, but not here on this earth or in this lifetime. It's unfortunate you lost him but in turn you gave someone up in heaven a baby they couldn't have here on earth... you gave birth to an angel which is the hardest thing anyone could ever do. And there is a reason you had Carter. You will soon find out."
Uh.
Ok.
Really??!!
Gag me.
Shoot me.
Stab me with a spoon repeatedly....

I can now say I'm a mom....but I wanna smack people who say otherwise.

1 Year 3 Months

65 weeks 

457 days

10,968 hours

658,080 minutes 

39,484,800 seconds 

since I found out I lost my son. 

For the rest of my life this day will be painful. 

And for the rest of my life it will, in February, land on Valentines Day. 

Again this year, James and I didn't really do much if anything about it. 

Its not Valentines day to us anymore. 

My friend is in town, and we went off the island to the movies and the mall.

I had just so happened to get my sisters present for helping us out with Carter, and was told his ring had come in. 

I for the longest time didn't want to get a ring for Carter, that was Bugs thing.

Bugs Ring. 

But after much thinking I wanted one for both of my boys. 

I was given Bugs ring as a memorial piece, had we actually had him it would have been my push present. 

James and I went to Kays, designed it, said what we wanted engraved in it, and a few weeks later picked it up. Its a stackable ring so any other ring made like it would just sit right on top or below it and look like one big ring. 

I am often complimented on his ring.

Im not surprised, its a gorgeous ring. 

But only the people that know me know the meaning behind it. 

When I had Carter, our favorite nurse Pat made it a point to let me keep my Bug ring on during my C section. 

It was my way to have him there for all of it.

I for the past year always looked down at my right hand and saw just Bugs ring. There is not a day that I didn't wear it. Even pregnant and a few super swollen days, that ring stayed on my finger. 

But today for the first time, I had both rings on, for just a split second. 

And it took everything for me not to start bawling in the store. 

I managed to keep it together in the store, but as we were walking away I was telling my friend how I legit had a lump in my throat

seeing both those rings on my finger for the first time.

This week is the last week I will only have Bugs...

It was all bitter sweet that it happened today

on the 14th, which is Bugs day,

for his brother Carter. 

But in a way, I think its Bug.

Being ok and involved in the ever changing life that we now live. 

I don't and will never believe or say things happen for a reason...

but I will say I am picking up what hes putting down. 

 

Both my boys.

I went on an impromptu road trip home to Portland for less then 48 hours.
I didn't want to get anything car related for baby until we knew we were going to have him. When James bought the car seat and stroller weeks before baby was due I freaked.
I remember giving the strollers and car seat to a friend to have her sell them for us because I couldn't bare to see them empty lying around my house anymore.

So a few weeks went by, I finally started driving again, and I decided to buy a mirror so I could see how little man was doing during outings.

After Bug passed I had some memorial jewelry made.
One necklace I have is a pretty piece of citrine, his birth stone, with a hand stamped tag that reads "Bug" on it.

I don't know how it ended up hanging from my rear view mirror but it has been there for almost a year, and I can't seem to take it off.

As I was driving down the freeway I had another one of those moments where things should have been different.
I should have two screaming babies in the backseat.

But in a weird way I actually had both the boys in my car.

As I was looking at Carter in the backseat, the light glimmered on Bugs necklace.
I also remember it glimmering when we brought home Carter from the hospital.

Bug has always been there for me in some way or another, but now hes looking out for his baby brother too.

New Baby Smell

A year ago the smell of new baby was nauseating...
and its like my body only remembers last year.
I want to love the smell...
but its like I stop myself.
New diapers, baby lotion, formula, all of it just makes me sick to my stomach
but I smell it every day now.
Before leaving the house now its a ritual, make sure the baby looks presentable and then check yourself for any spit up or whatever else on your person.
I feel as though my house stinks like dirty diapers and spit up, but I've been assured it doesn't.

Its just funny to me when people say the new smell of baby is intoxicating....
I have yet to feel it.

1 year 2 months

60 weeks
426 days
10,224 hours
613,440 minutes
36,806,400 seconds
Since I found out I lost my son.

The past few "14ths" have been very trying for me.
November 14th was the 1 year anniversary.
December 14th I was 8 1/2 months pregnant with Bugs baby brother Beanie aka Carter.
And now January 14th I'm the mother to an almost 3 week old.
I'm a mother.
That was the weirdest thing to type,
let alone say.
The emotions I've had in the past three weeks I can't put into words, because honestly they have been all over the place. (Thank you pregnancy hormones)

Seeing Carter in some of what were supposed to be Bugs clothes.
Hearing Carter cry when it at one point should have been Bug.
And to be the mother to only one living child when it should be two.

I was so kindly reminded that
"Well at least you only had one baby, could you imagine having two?!"

Yes.

Thank you.

I'm fully aware that I only have one child.
I have a daily reminder of that for the last year and especially now.
I should be pulling my hair out chasing after a one year old and having a newborn.
I should have two adorable baby boys.
Two mini James.
Two grandchildren for my parents.
Two nephews for my sister.
Two...

BUG IS A BIG BROTHER!

2013-2014 were by far the craziest years for James and I. 
As you know in 2013 we lost our son Bug. In 2014 we were maneuvering our way through the grief and mourning of Bug while also becoming pregnant and having his younger brother. 
The choice to keep the entirety of this pregnancy and birth a secret is not something we ask you to understand but to respect. After everything that happened with Bug, we just needed to do what we could to get through this pregnancy and have a healthy baby at the end of it.
We hate that we have to address the two following things but its already come up and we just have to say something about it now...
1)Just because we had a baby doesn't mean that everything is now "ok". We are now working our way through "new" grief and all the emotions that come with having a baby. Don't get me wrong, we are ridiculously in love and excited, but all of it is bittersweet.
And 2) Please watch your words.
He is not a miracle baby, a Christmas miracle or any other religious spin you want to put on it. "God" did not bless us with this baby because Bug died, Bug didnt send us his baby brother, Bug didn't die because we were meant to have Beanie etc etc etc.
He is a baby, that we got pregnant with like any other normal couple, that just so happened to come on Christmas due to medical reasons.
We would like to take a moment and say thank you for your continued support and understanding of this journey. This is not the way we ever imagined our lives going, but its now our reality.
We can only take it day by day.

New year, new grief

2014 is officially over and 2015 has officially started .
And its all just another sad reminder of the new grief I will be walking through this year.
New milestones Bug should have been meeting or making.
New things James and I should have been experiencing as parents of a one year old.

The new year is just sad.

Last year I was stupidly working at a vet clinic thinking that I needed to throw myself into a job and keep myself busy.
When in fact I needed to give myself the time to grieve.

This year things are much much different.

Last year I was belligerently drunk at a new years party, trying to have a good time and make it seem like everything was ok. 

This year I was home with my husband and just cried at midnight.
Like I did last year.
For all the same reasons.

So much for a happy new year.

This is gonna be one hell of a year that's for sure.

Twas the night before Christmas...

And all through the house
Not a creature was stirring...

Well we all know that's a lie.

Another sleepless night full of the
Should have
Could have
Would have
Beens.

Another night where all the emotions you've been trying to surpress for the entire month so you don't seem like the sad mopey person during the holidays comes to the surface.

And it hits you.

It hits you hard.

Its another one of those nights where you have the gut wrenching tears and can't catch your breath.
You allow yourself to have the full fledged breakdown because you've been trying to keep your shit together the whole month for everyone else.

But you realize you don't owe anyone an explanation.

You are this way because you have to say 

I should have my son this Christmas.

My baby should have his first stocking.

Our family card should have me, James, Bug and the dogs.

But it doesn't.

And it never will....

1 year 1 month

34,128,000 seconds
568,800 minutes
9480 hours
395 days
56 weeks
since I lost my son.

I'm just numb and going through the motions of the holidays without really acknowledging them.
When asked what my plans for Christmas are I inwardly cringe, but say family is coming into town and leave it at that.

It should be Bugs first big Christmas.

He would have been one. Not like he would really be into gifts and the whole Santa thing yet, but we would have been able to get him more interactive toys and such.

But instead we are finding a host family and donating 1 year old boy toys, and making a memorial donation to stillbirth research.

Its the second holiday season without him, but it feels like the first.

I hate all the people who unknowling are waving in my face their baby's first Christmas experience...but it is what it is.

I am also dreading Christmas day , because we all know someone is gonna use that day to announce a pregnancy of some kind or another.
There are tons of ladies in a baby loss group I'm a part of that have Santa hats on their ultrasounds, or wrapped them in presents or hung a pregnancy test from the tree, or are announcing the gender with a stocking.
Its cute, I get it your excited, so was I, but I just want to scream don't do it!

There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of him, but the holidays seem to make it all so much worse.

Someone said today, I don't understand why people decide to be miserable during the happiest time of the year...being miserable is a choice and they should choose otherwise...

Im sorry some of us don't have that "choice"

I can't choose when and how I grieve.

Its beginning to look alot like Christmas

I can't sleep, just got a lot on my mind. James before Thanksgiving actually got me a tree because he said he wanted one this year. I honestly really didn't know how I'd feel about it all, the holidays just aren't the same for us...
But I finally got tired of staring at the damn box so I put that shit together.
Of course I got emotional.
I should be worried about where were placing it and what ornaments to hang where so Bug wouldn't pull them off the tree...

We were supposed to have a 1 year old this Christmas.

All those things just sit there in the back of your mind and pop up when you do things like this.
Everyone is always so excited about putting up a tree, but it really just stings and is a reminder of all the time that past and all that should have been.
Its sad to not have the "Baby's first Christmas" ornament, it really really hurts.
I'm part of a group for ladies trying to concieve after a loss and so many women are announcing pregnancies with Christmas this year and I just cringe.
From personal experience we announced Bug on our birthday, we thought (at the time) it was a cute idea....but every year when that day rolls around it just hurts even more...

So its beginning to look a lot like Christmas, I just don't think it will feel like it for a while...

Holiday Parties

Tis the season.
Invites for parties are beginning to come in and my anxiety is going up with the decisions to attend or not.
Almost every other year James and I loved going, but now this year we have one of two options.

Option 1: Fake it till ya make it.
That includes plastering on a face and smile, ugly christmas sweater or what have you, and getting a present for the host.

Sadly I've become so good at this I don't know what's real or what's fake anymore...

Option 2: Be honest with myself and stay home because honestly, I don't want to pretend to be happy and ruin someone else's party...

Seeing other peoples kids dressed up all fancy and hearing about what they accomplished this year is too much to handle.

Emotionally, mentally and physically, this is exhausting.

They say it "gets easier" with time....
I'm still waiting for it to do so...

Oh look, another holiday.

I made it through Thanksgiving,

just barely.

6 pregnancy announcements were the icing on the cake.

We got a lot of crap for not doing anything this year but honestly if you don't get it by now I'm done explaining myself.
The only reason we cooked last year was because we had already invited people and of course I felt bad canceling, but it was a very drugged and tearful "holiday".

So if you all must know my day consisted of watching my vets dogs aka the pigs, I bleached and colored my hair, and did absolutely nothing. We sadly watched the parade and dog show and James watched some football, but it was all just a painful reminder of what the day should have been.

We were invited to 8 dinners this year...but politely declined. I can't sit there and pretend to be happy at your table with your family and your babies while I'm absolutely miserable inside. And I'm honest enough with myself to know I would hate to put anyone and their family through my feelings and grief to that extent.

We did however recieve leftovers from friends and then stop by another friends house that evening just for some talk and dessert which was nice.
Don't get me wrong people I'm not a totally ungrateful bitch...I'm grateful for the people that put up with me this past year...

But it's not like there's even a break before the next holiday starts, it's like bam Thanksgiving is over and then we are gangbanged by both Christmas and New Years.

October starts the season of holidays and honestly the worst time of the year for me...

I honestly just need a break from it all.

Your baby is due November 25th

The entire pregnancy we were preparing ourselves for this day.
November 25th.

The day I tested positive at home I downloaded pregnancy apps and they all said 11/25/13 was his due date, and the doctor confirmed it a few days later.
Originally we freaked out thinking great, were going to be bringing home a baby on thanksgiving, but honestly we didn't care...we thought we were going to have a baby.
We actually kind of giggled at ourselves thinking seriously?! , our little family is just cursed when it comes to holidays. James and I have the same exact birthday, our anniversary is Halloween, why not bring a baby home on Thanksgiving!

But that was not the case.

We only had 10 days to go.

10, 14, and 25 are such terrible numbers to me now.

I cringe when people have countdowns.
Especially pregnancy countdowns...

I was excitedly counting down too, only to be blindsided and have things go terribly wrong...

Today is just as painful to me as the 14th.
Its a day full of should, could and would haves.

Its a day we should be celebrating, not looking back at and saying "we should have had you"

Its a day of what ifs.

What if I had actually had you,
what if you amazingly came exactly on your due date...

What if....

I ask myself that everyday.

One Year

1 year
52 weeks
365 days
8760 hours
525,600 minutes
31,536,000 seconds

A year ago I learned I had lost my son. 

I woke up that morning just grabbing at my stomach. 

Its like my body knew,

my scar hurt so bad. 

I hadn't slept the night before at all 

in fact I was on the couch till 5 am then finally crawled into bed 

only to be awake till 8.

I couldn't stay in bed and cry anymore. 

I woke up to it being sunny. 

A year ago it was pouring down rain.

I remember everything about that day.

I made myself eat 

did the dishes

did random shit around the house to keep busy 

then finally sat down to watch tv...all while crying

it was like a faucet was turned on at midnight and I couldn't turn it off. 

I had turned my phone off the night before at 7...

there were so many txts calls facebook notifications and whatever else coming in  

that I just didn't even want to deal with it.

I knew it all came from a good place

but it was all just too much.

Someone rang the doorbell around 10am 

and left flowers

but I didn't answer the door. 

James finally woke up and came out 

and I told him that I needed to do something

I couldn't sit here and cry all day. 

I could have done it no problem,

and there were times when we were out that I just randomly burst into tears

but I felt that I needed to be busy.

In all honesty 

it feels as if all the work I did this past year
to get to where I am 

in one day 

was flushed down the drain. 

I am back
to where I was that day.

asking why.

crying over everything. 

not wanting to talk or do anything. 

but putting on the face...
and doing it so well I still trick everyone including myself. 

My phone is off

I just have nothing to say

and I don't have any answers to all the questions.

I wish more then anything my son was here and that I never had/have to feel this pain.

"They say time heals all wounds, but I do not agree."

It hurts just as bad as that day,
obviously the shock in all of it is gone,
we know our son in gone.
Its just still so hard to believe.
We knew that this day was coming
but it still hurts like hell.

525,600 minutes.
I knew how many minutes from the song "Seasons of Love" in Rent.
However I never thought that I would ever measure a year
in how many months had passed since I lost my son

It was all supposed to be different.

The night

Dropping my dad off on Monday was the beginning of it all.
He had come up almost a year ago to the day.
I was driving home from Burlington and a song came over my phone and I lost it.
I was crying so hard I could barely even see the road and had to pull over.
That one song brought me back to that place last year...
My anxiety about that day coming again is through the roof.
So much so I really haven't been able to function.
I woke up today physically sick.
I know it is a combination of my stress, anxiety and my body just can't deal with it all right now.
I was watching TV nothing sad or emotional and just started crying.
It just hits you and there is nothing you can do about it.
Trying to have some kind of control over it only makes it worse.
So yet again, I'm silently crying as my husband sleeps.
Trying not to wake him.
As I do
Almost every single night.

The Morning After

Today hit me like a ton of bricks.

I think it firstly was painful due to it being the morning after Halloween,
which is a very child oriented holiday.

I did pretty good about keeping myself off Facebook and instagram yesterday, because honestly,
I was not wanting to see all the other kids in their Halloween costumes.
Or the endless amount of pictures from parents excited about taking their kid out for the first time.

That was supposed to be me.

As terrible as it sounds I am thankful our anniversary is Halloween.
We didn't have to be home for the few (if any) trick or treater's that came by our house.
I was able to stay away from the majority of the festivities yesterday, which I know at this point my heart and head still can't handle. 

Yesterday, James and I both said it,
It felt like deja vu.
The day was super rainy, but by the time we went to dinner and left the island, the sun was shining.
Exactly like last year.
However our dinner discussion was quite different.
Last year we were talking about all the things we couldn't wait to do with Bug.
At that time we were (what we thought) 24 days away from meeting our son.
How Halloween wouldn't be our day anymore and how excited we would be to take him out just like the other parents.....
But sadly we met him just 14 days later....
Which brings me to November 1st.

Ugh its already November.
The month I've dreaded all year long.
The month I never thought would get here.

And the month that is already bringing me back to that place of grief and mourning that I had been working so hard this past year to "get through".

Ive previously compared grief to a life game of chutes and ladders....

Needless to say the last few moves have been nothing but chutes.

On the 14th the "game" starts.
All.
Over.
Again.

Monday Morning/ Bear for Bug Part 3

Monday Mornings I think are dreaded by everyone.

All for different reasons.

However I was dreading but looking forward to this particular Monday morning. 

On October 16th I was notified from the manager of the funeral home that we used  for Bug, that they were moved by what James and I were doing for Molly Bears, and  had ordered 100 bears. 

As soon as they got them delivered, they would get them to us. 

(I obviously was waiting to get the bears to announce anything) 

I randomly burst into tears multiple times yesterday.

Remembering all the reasons we were there last year.

remembering having to pick out his urn,

to seeing him for the first and last time.

to picking up his cremains in that tiny little gold box 

and leaving that day, December 5th

to think I would never set foot in that place again. 

I got no sleep last night. I was so anxious about going back there. 

I've blogged about it before, but living in a small town there are only a few ways to get to specific places.

I for almost a year, avoided that street, because seeing the funeral home would bring me immediately back to that day, that place, and those feelings. 

But today I had no choice. 

I got ready this morning, ate breakfast and tried to keep calm.

I got in the car just fine.

I made it down the street just fine.

Until we pulled up to their driveway.

James was driving and immediately after turning in 

my c section scar started hurting

as if I was a few weeks post op and still healing. 

My eyes began watering and I couldn't even hide it at that point. 

That tiny little driveway brought me back

just like I was afraid it was going to. 

I eventually, after trying to get my shit together, got out of the car and made it up to the door. 

James opened it, as he did all those times before, and we walked in.

When you first walk in, straight ahead of you is the main chapel, where we first saw Bug.

To the left, their office, the room with all the urn samples and to the right some couches. 

As I turned the corner, I saw the couch, covered in the bears, and began laughing and saying oh my gosh! 

100 bears is quite the sight to see.

The manager Mark came out and shook James hand and I went in for the very tearful,very grateful, hug.

The bears were packed up 

small talk was made

and brought out to the car in 3 boxes. 

Hugs and handshakes were again given, and we left, tearful and wondering if we would be back there. 

James took me to coffee for a little date and to unwind before we went home.

And I again teared up thinking

Look at all that Bug has done.

Look at all my son has accomplished.

Pumpkin Patch

James and I went to the pumpkin patch.

And it was just as painful as I thought it would be.
There was a little pre school there on a field trip.
Parents pulling their kids in red wagons,bundled up in super cute fall clothes.
And the little kids were taking forever to pick out the perfect pumpkin.

Bug would be 11 months, sitting in one of those wagons, and picking out his first pumpkin...
Of course we got pumpkins.
Then pumpkins for the girls.
And a white pumpkin for Bug.

A Bear for Bug Part 2

I am still in shock
it is going so well.
I honestly almost called it off a few days before starting it.
I had a massive panic attack about it all and was ready to throw in the towel.

But that wouldn't have been fair to Bug.

To me this is not just a drive.

To have to explain to someone that I'm doing a memorial drive for what should have been my sons first birthday absolutely kills me.

I wish I was picking a theme and invites, party favors, little decorations, a smash cake and whatever else.

But I don't get to do that.

The only thing that makes it a little better is Bug is helping other babies and families.

Bug is putting awareness on pregnancy loss.

Bug is still loved and remembered a year later.

Bug is making a diffence in the world.

Look at all you've done Bug. 

Mommy is so proud.