The Morning After

Today hit me like a ton of bricks.

I think it firstly was painful due to it being the morning after Halloween,
which is a very child oriented holiday.

I did pretty good about keeping myself off Facebook and instagram yesterday, because honestly,
I was not wanting to see all the other kids in their Halloween costumes.
Or the endless amount of pictures from parents excited about taking their kid out for the first time.

That was supposed to be me.

As terrible as it sounds I am thankful our anniversary is Halloween.
We didn't have to be home for the few (if any) trick or treater's that came by our house.
I was able to stay away from the majority of the festivities yesterday, which I know at this point my heart and head still can't handle. 

Yesterday, James and I both said it,
It felt like deja vu.
The day was super rainy, but by the time we went to dinner and left the island, the sun was shining.
Exactly like last year.
However our dinner discussion was quite different.
Last year we were talking about all the things we couldn't wait to do with Bug.
At that time we were (what we thought) 24 days away from meeting our son.
How Halloween wouldn't be our day anymore and how excited we would be to take him out just like the other parents.....
But sadly we met him just 14 days later....
Which brings me to November 1st.

Ugh its already November.
The month I've dreaded all year long.
The month I never thought would get here.

And the month that is already bringing me back to that place of grief and mourning that I had been working so hard this past year to "get through".

Ive previously compared grief to a life game of chutes and ladders....

Needless to say the last few moves have been nothing but chutes.

On the 14th the "game" starts.
All.
Over.
Again.