One Year

1 year
52 weeks
365 days
8760 hours
525,600 minutes
31,536,000 seconds

A year ago I learned I had lost my son. 

I woke up that morning just grabbing at my stomach. 

Its like my body knew,

my scar hurt so bad. 

I hadn't slept the night before at all 

in fact I was on the couch till 5 am then finally crawled into bed 

only to be awake till 8.

I couldn't stay in bed and cry anymore. 

I woke up to it being sunny. 

A year ago it was pouring down rain.

I remember everything about that day.

I made myself eat 

did the dishes

did random shit around the house to keep busy 

then finally sat down to watch tv...all while crying

it was like a faucet was turned on at midnight and I couldn't turn it off. 

I had turned my phone off the night before at 7...

there were so many txts calls facebook notifications and whatever else coming in  

that I just didn't even want to deal with it.

I knew it all came from a good place

but it was all just too much.

Someone rang the doorbell around 10am 

and left flowers

but I didn't answer the door. 

James finally woke up and came out 

and I told him that I needed to do something

I couldn't sit here and cry all day. 

I could have done it no problem,

and there were times when we were out that I just randomly burst into tears

but I felt that I needed to be busy.

In all honesty 

it feels as if all the work I did this past year
to get to where I am 

in one day 

was flushed down the drain. 

I am back
to where I was that day.

asking why.

crying over everything. 

not wanting to talk or do anything. 

but putting on the face...
and doing it so well I still trick everyone including myself. 

My phone is off

I just have nothing to say

and I don't have any answers to all the questions.

I wish more then anything my son was here and that I never had/have to feel this pain.

"They say time heals all wounds, but I do not agree."

It hurts just as bad as that day,
obviously the shock in all of it is gone,
we know our son in gone.
Its just still so hard to believe.
We knew that this day was coming
but it still hurts like hell.

525,600 minutes.
I knew how many minutes from the song "Seasons of Love" in Rent.
However I never thought that I would ever measure a year
in how many months had passed since I lost my son

It was all supposed to be different.