1 year 1 month

34,128,000 seconds
568,800 minutes
9480 hours
395 days
56 weeks
since I lost my son.

I'm just numb and going through the motions of the holidays without really acknowledging them.
When asked what my plans for Christmas are I inwardly cringe, but say family is coming into town and leave it at that.

It should be Bugs first big Christmas.

He would have been one. Not like he would really be into gifts and the whole Santa thing yet, but we would have been able to get him more interactive toys and such.

But instead we are finding a host family and donating 1 year old boy toys, and making a memorial donation to stillbirth research.

Its the second holiday season without him, but it feels like the first.

I hate all the people who unknowling are waving in my face their baby's first Christmas experience...but it is what it is.

I am also dreading Christmas day , because we all know someone is gonna use that day to announce a pregnancy of some kind or another.
There are tons of ladies in a baby loss group I'm a part of that have Santa hats on their ultrasounds, or wrapped them in presents or hung a pregnancy test from the tree, or are announcing the gender with a stocking.
Its cute, I get it your excited, so was I, but I just want to scream don't do it!

There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of him, but the holidays seem to make it all so much worse.

Someone said today, I don't understand why people decide to be miserable during the happiest time of the year...being miserable is a choice and they should choose otherwise...

Im sorry some of us don't have that "choice"

I can't choose when and how I grieve.