Twas the night before Christmas...

And all through the house
Not a creature was stirring...

Well we all know that's a lie.

Another sleepless night full of the
Should have
Could have
Would have
Beens.

Another night where all the emotions you've been trying to surpress for the entire month so you don't seem like the sad mopey person during the holidays comes to the surface.

And it hits you.

It hits you hard.

Its another one of those nights where you have the gut wrenching tears and can't catch your breath.
You allow yourself to have the full fledged breakdown because you've been trying to keep your shit together the whole month for everyone else.

But you realize you don't owe anyone an explanation.

You are this way because you have to say 

I should have my son this Christmas.

My baby should have his first stocking.

Our family card should have me, James, Bug and the dogs.

But it doesn't.

And it never will....