Candles and Shirts

Today was Carters sip and see.
I anxiously ran around the house making sure everything was perfect and ready.
I personally, am absolutely terrified if my house smells bad, so I have candles in every room.
Including the nursery.
The candle in there, I bought for you and what was to be your nursery.
For more then a year that candle, like everything else in that room,  just sat there.
I couldn't smell the "soft candle" scent at Yankee candle for the longest time.
I don't know what compelled me to light that candle today.
I honestly never thought that I would use it.
But I did, and I got a little teary eyed.
Its a soft and comforting smell, but in the instant that I lit it, I was thrown back to being pregnant with you.
walking around the streets of Tanasbourne
excitedly buying that candle
putting it in what was to be your nursery
taking the lid off and letting the scent fill the room and hallway
and talking with the lady about doing candle birth announcements.

And then while getting ready for today,
I realized, again without planning it,
that I was wearing the same shirt that I wore at your baby shower...

And now while writing this I realized that both you and your brother had water/ocean themed parties....

I without being aware of everything, realized that you were here...
and in more ways then one, today out of all days, you showed me.


I have to add that I am quite proud of myself for keeping my shit together today...
This entire journey has been an emotional rollercoaster that I would, more then anything, like to get off of, but unfortunately I dont have that choice.