The Zoo

I was supposed to take Carter to the zoo today
but the weather here in Portland was awful
and I was not about to drag him around in the rain.
I also was so pleasantly reminded that the last time I was at the zoo
I was pregnant with you.
I honestly wasn't ready to go back there.
I knew that it would be emotional.
I dreamed so many times about taking you to the zoo.
Getting elephant ears, eating lunch looking at the birds,
and taking you to the goat petting zoo....
And all of these things my mum was so excitedly was talking about doing with your brother.
And I just wanted to cry.
There was a movie that  I watched alot after your passing called we bought a zoo
It was constantly on repeat on HBO and I just never changed it.
I loved the book and thought sure, Ill lay here and watch the movie.
But the memorable quotes were the 20 seconds about courage.
And the one about never being ready.....
I will never be ready to walk back into that place........

2 years 2 months

113 weeks

791 days

18,984 hours 

1.139,040 minutes 

68,342,400 seconds 

since I lost my son. 
I still am in awe that its another January. 
Another year has passed 
and I am still here. 
Both the end of the year 
and beginning of the year are hardest. 

The end of the year is hardest since its your anniversary
and the beginning of the year is just as hard because you are not here in it. 


2016 was supposed to be the year of your dads and I's vow renewal. 
We wanted to have you, settle into things,
lose some of the baby weight, 
and have a big party. 

We also wanted you to be old enough to walk as you were to be your dads best man. 

As everyone knows  I have an undying love for Whitney Houston.
But the song I want to dance with somebody took on a whole new meaning once I got pregnant with you. 

This was your song. 
It was going to be dads and I's song...but the fast Whitney version. 

And I was going to dance with you and your dad...

Lunch date

Today I had a lunch date out in town.
I wanted to see my friend, but at the same time was dreading it...
It wasn't so much the date, but where it was at.
I had avoided this particular place for 2 years 2 months and 22 days....
I hadn't stepped foot in it since the day before he died, when I went to lunch there with a friend for her birthday.
I was feeling so sick that we ordered our food and I had to ask to take it to go.
All this time it was just a restaurant for everyone else.
But to me it just brought back too many memories.
It recently became a new restaurant
There was no parking out in front and I circled around the block a few times.
It was both to try and find parking
And to calm down since I was shaking sweating and almost in tears.
A little voice in me told me this morning to take my anxiety meds, but I didn't since I hate the feeling of being doped up.

So I parked and walked up legit saying
Its just a building. Its just a building.
Its
Just
A
Building.

I made it through my lunch date, happy to catch up with a friend, but still had an uneasy feeling in my stomach.

I can't say going back there was easy.

My biggest accomplishment pretty much everyday is getting out of bed  
today it was walking through that door.

New Year

Its another new year
and I still cant wrap my head
and heart
around the fact
that you aren't here.
I wish that it wasn't this way
but I am constantly reminded.
I remember your dad and I
talking late at night
about how excited we were
to have a new baby in 2014
how our lives were going to change
and how we would be starting out a new year as parents....
Yeah in a sense we became parents
but not like we thought or wanted
New years eve of 2014 was awful
I was obviously emotional
and tried to make out as if everything was ok
and needles to say
emotions and alcohol aren't a good mixture.
Then fast forward to New Years eve 2015
I'm sitting at home with a 6 day old baby
bawling all over again
because it just kicked up memories.
New years of 2016
we had our first get together of our own....
and I was so distracted I wasn't really able to process everything
until everyone left and it was 3am....
and you guessed it
I was crying.

Your brothers birthday

Your brothers 1st birthday has come and gone.

And I did nothing the days leading up to it but cry.

I cried because you weren't here

and you weren't my first baby to turn one.

I cried because he was one

and you weren't here to celebrate it with him.

I cried because it was Christmas

and the 3rd one we had without you.

I cried because there is really no other way to express how Im feeling about all of this.

There will always be days that belong to your brother

that bring up the fact that you arent here

and it sucks because I dont want to take away from his day

but I miss you....and I always will.....

2 years 1 month

760 days
18,240 hours
1,094,400 minutes
65,664,000 seconds 

since I lost my son

My sister is visiting again 
like she did when she was supposed to come up and meet Bug...
oddly it lands on the same exact dates
and just brings back the memories

But now Carter is here
so its fun for her to see how hes changed 
since she was here last time. 

I just wish 
that with every visit
It was to come and see two boys
not just one
two boys 
to drive us all crazy
and wrestle 
and read books
two boys to celebrate her birthday 
and early holidays.

Two boys. 



Two boys. 

Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is the hardest of all holidays, since we expected to have you that day in 2013.
Yet you came two weeks earlier, and we didn't get to bring you home.
I find it ridiculous that on social media people write the I'm so thankful posts.
We hear you complain the rest of the year but you take the one day to act like all is good. We get it.
But I'm not about to sit here and say I'm thankful.
Don't get me wrong.
I have a roof over my head, a bed to sleep in, food in my belly and my family.
But its not the same.
And it never will be.
Yes we have Carter.
But it doesn't make any of this better.
I still only had one baby at my dinner table yesterday.
And every other day.

The 16th is just like the 14th

On the 16th was the day we told everyone we had lost Bug. 

Little did everyone know that he had passed two days before
and James and I were trying to deal with the aftermath of his passing. 

My inactivity on facebook and the phone 
led many people to believe that I was having the baby. 

And in turn, at the hospital, my phone was blowing up with 
texts and phone calls of congratulations and well wishes for his delivery
while I was really laying there recovering from a 9 month pregnancy,a c section
and no baby to show for it.

I honestly don't remember much of that day 

I was so emotionally numb
and high off the pain and anxiety meds

I can tell you that James and I went into separate rooms and called all the people
we wanted to notify before it was posted on facebook.
I've previously written a blog about that experience (or from what I remembered) 

I later went back through my phone and saw phone calls
and text conversations I don't ever remember having. 

I remember James taking my phone after someone said that 
"They understood exactly how I was feeling"
and in my anger I threw the phone at the wall
because they would never know....

I finally turned off my phone 
for days 
not answering the what felt like hundreds of calls and texts. 

Thankfully James vetted all the calls and texts 
and made sure all the arrangements for rechecks, the funeral home
and anything else was taken care of. 

But it doesn't take away from the feeling like I've lost him twice.
On both the 14th and the 16th....

2 years

730 days

17.620 hours

1,051,200 minutes

63,072,000 seconds 

since I lost my son 

This year was so much harder then last year. 

I was alone

And I had Carter. 

The morning started like any other since Carter was born.

I overheard a soft babbling from his room over the monitor 

and I went to make a bottle to put him back to sleep.

But of course, out of all mornings to stay awake

he chose this one. 

While stumbling to the kitchen in my half asleep state,

I realized what day it was, what I was doing etc,

and amidst my bottle making the tears started. 

I looked at the clock and it was 6:32.

I have mastered changing and feedings in the dark,

so Carter had no idea of my crying or sadness yet,

but he didn't go back to sleep like he normally does 

Emotionally I couldn't handle seeing him that day. 

I looked at him and it sadly was with anger. 

Why did he make it and Bug didn't?

(which is a weird feeling since we almost lost Carter as well) 

Why was he so happy and unaware of what the day was? 

Why couldn't he see my world and chest were caving in and I just wanted to ball up and cry? 

I had previously spoken to multiple people 

who said if I needed anything that day to let me know.

No shade, but it seemed like everyone who offered

forgot what day it was, was having their own "thing" going on

or became busy with other plans.

So I messaged one of James coworkers 

who has become a great friend

and without hesitation he came over.

I was a mess when he came in the door. 

Hair undid,

no makeup

puffy eyes

snot and tears running down my face. 

And I lost it all over again. 

He took Carter, fed him breakfast and played with him for some time

while I was in my room crying on the phone with James. 

I finally came out and said 

lets go somewhere 

lets do something

so we packed up Carter and went to lynnwood. 

I went to lunch

I went to the mall 

and I put on the best face I could. 

For Carter and everyone else. 

But inside my heart was breaking yet pounding out of my chest. 

We got back to the house, and a few other friends came over. 

I was able to make it through the evening with a mixture of 

alcohol, anxiety medications and for the sheer fact 

that I didn't want to cry in front of anyone anymore. 

But once everyone else left

I called James again

And pretty much bawled myself to sleep.

You dont have to tell me

I already know that its November.
My anniversary is both a happy and sad day since 2013.
After October comes November.

It happens every year.

The first causes so much anxiety.
It, without fail
begins the awful countdown
to the worst day of my life.

I feel like Im the only one that hates the beginning of November.
Everyone else becomes excited for Thanksgiving and Family
And Im just in my own little corner dreading the passing of every day.

Please, stop calling your living baby here on earth an angel.

There will be many feelings about this post. 

I for one am not, ever have been, or ever will be a believer in god. 

So I can see how some people can say, if you don't believe in god then why are you offended by the term angel.

I get it.

People are allowed to call their babies whatever they want. 

But I have never once mentioned Bug as an angel. 

Nor will I ever.

But I sit here and cringe when I see on Instagram or Facebook

people posting pictures of their live babies

calling them angels.

Or using the hashtag #angelbaby

Those angels that you are describing

in a living picture

aren't angels

they  are our babies. 

The babies that never made it here on earth.

The babies that didn't get to come home with us. 

The babies that we wanted and can never have. 

To those in the baby loss and infant death community 

that therm is not something I/we like hearing.

(I know there are some that find comfort in said terminology, but the many I have spoken to do not)

"Well Bug is an angel now"

or that saying 

"Because someone we love is in heaven, there's a little bit of heaven in our home"

Bug is a baby. 

And Bug didn't go anywhere, 

He's on my bedside table, like he's been since the day I brought him home from the funeral home.

Bank accounts and Buchanans

The week we found out we were pregnant with Bug, after satisfying a chicken nachos craving and puking it up on the floor in home depot, we went to the bank and set him up a savings account.

Over the 9 months we were pregnant with him, money went into that account, as well as after he passed. It just continued growing. 

We honestly just left the account and once we got pregnant again, I kind of forgot about it. 

Until recently. 

It was getting annoying going to this baby account and getting money our just for baby things. 

When I could just budget it into our monies already instead of it going to a different account. 

So I had voiced this to James thinking nothing would come of it.

And then he said he was going to go to the back and stop the allotment and shut the account. 

I freaked and said don't.

I was so not ready for one of the last things I had of him to be gone.....

a bank account

as silly as it is

was made for him

with nothing but love

hopes and dreams

and everything you think is going to happen when you're pregnant and about to have a baby.

We also, soon after finding out we were pregnant, got a bottle of Buchanan's whiskey. 

We had intended on opening it the day he was born for a shot, his 18th birthday, his 21st birthday and pass the bottle on to him on his wedding day. 

But obviously his bottle was never opened.

And ironically we hadn't found it anywhere near us until recently .

So in walks James with this bottle of whiskey and he starts opening it.

We've had a bottle since 2014 but never tasted it. 

I didn't know that opening a bottle of it would be so emotional. 

I ended up finding a special edition bottle for Carter.

But still don't have the heart to open it. 

1 year 11 months

699 days

16,776 hours 

1,006,560 minutes 

60,393,600 seconds 

since I lost my son 

I absolutely hate this time of the year.

Its like its the calm before the storm

and little storms here and there have been popping up

Emotionally, Im able to keep my shit together less and less. 

More outbursts and mean things are being said.

I legit just want to crawl in a cave and die. 

Physically the migraines, nausea, not eating or sleeping

is all coming back worse then it usually is.

Mentally Im trying to prepare myself for the day 

I will be alone.

James is going to be gone. 

I will have Carter 

But I "can't" be sad,

He doesn't understand. 

He has no idea what is going on...

I also hate that I am yet again at that time in the year 

where I should be planning what would have been his second birthday .

But as if I don't already have enough on my plate,

I decided to do the bear drive again this year, 

because that's what I get to do every year to honor and celebrate my son. 

1 Year 10 Months

1 year 10 months
669 days
16061 hours
963694 minutes
57821700 seconds

since I lost my son

The beginning of fall always puts a lump in my throat.
The smells, the pumpkin spice lattes, the sweaters and fall air
all just put me back in September before we lost you.

A year and a few months ago we were painting your nursery.
daddy put your crib together
and I was figuring out how I wanted the room to be.

The other day James looked at the crib and realized it was dusty.
He swiped a little section of it and you could  tell there was a good long bit of build up on it.
But for some strange reason I still couldn't bring myself to dust it.

Although you were never in that room
we still call it Bugs room
there are bits of you everywhere in there still
and there always will be.

Slowly, the longer your brother has been in there
the more and more we take out things that were supposed to be yours.
It is becoming his room, but in the back of my mind and heart
it will always be yours.

Constant Reminders

This past few weeks have been nothing but constant reminders
that you aren't here.

First when going to buy new clothes for your brother
I was looking at all the outfits
and I turn the corner
and there are the little bear jackets
that we cremated you in
almost two years ago

I guess they are one of those things
that wont go out of style
but I so wish it would.

Along with the jacket
were the cute little
big brother little brother shirts
that as cheesy as it sounds
I wish I could dress you and your brother in.

It took everything for me to not lose it in the store....

Fast forward a few days to filling out paperwork
paperwork for daycare.
There is a section that says siblings
and I had to leave it blank.

I should be looking for daycare for both you and your brother.

Then a few days later I was sitting here thinking
do I want to do the Bear for Bug again this year
and I get a message from the founder of Molly Bears 
saying they have begun to use your bears and tags.

There are constant reminds of the fact that you aren't here.
And it really sucks. 

1 year 9 months

638 days

15,312 hours

918,720 minutes

55,123,200 seconds 

since I lost my son  

There isn't a day that I don't think about you
and there is something every day that reminds me of you
I couldn't forget you even if I tried. 

I went shopping to get Carter a new wardrobe
and as I turned the corner in the clothing store
there was the little bear jackets and body suits

Its almost been two years but I guess those little bear jackets are still popular.
All I can say is I'm kind of happy that they don't carry the brown one that you were cremated in
but none the less 
I still cant look at those 
without getting a lump in my throat. 

The other thing that kills me 
is the little brother big brother shirts 
they are everywhere 
and as cheesy as they are
I want nothing more then to dress you and your brother in those shirts

I swear its dejavu

James is gone on DET again, it was a very last minute thing
and out of all places
he went back to Virginia.

We were in the same situation two years ago,
James had sent me home to Oregon since I was so sick
and he stayed back to continue working and took care of the packing
for our cross country move.

Its weird having the late night phonecalls
and him describing where he is and where hes going.
It put me back first to when we were dating,
but also to when I was pregnant with Bug.

It so weird how the littlest things, like a phonecall, can trigger emotions
even two years later.
This trigger just seems to be hitting things harder then normal

Last night was the first time in a long time I had one of "those cries"

the cry with the scalding hot tears that you think, could quite physically burn your cheek, 

the cry where you are unable to catch your breath, and are just gasping and grasping your stomach 

the cry where you wanna scream 

and at the same time curl up in a ball and be invisible.

Every month has its triggers...
Like I said, I didn't expect them to hit me this hard.  

1 year 8 months

86 weeks
607 days
14,568 hours
874,080 minutes
52,444,800 seconds

since I found out I lost my son.
I feel like it was yesterday, I was packing up my life in Virginia to move to Oregon then up to Washington.
I was around 20 weeks at the time, and we had just verified that Bug was a boy.
We had excitedly and foolishly done our baby registry together, aimlessly walking through baby r us, scanning whatever looked interesting, but not buying anything.
We, ironically, didn't want to buy anything because we would soon be moving cross country. Little did we know not buying anything till 35 weeks wouldn't have made a difference.

I now cringe when people have a nursery set up and ready by 20 weeks.

Anyways, I had a writing assignment this week in class that was to write to three different people about the loss of my pet mouse.

I legit had the hardest time starting it off any other way then

It is with the saddest of hearts....

That's how we had started off the announcement we wrote when we lost Bug.

I don't know why, for the first time, I couldn't find any other words to write.

1 Year 7 Months

82 weeks 

577 days

13,848 hours 

830,880 minutes 

49,852,800 seconds

since I found out I lost my son. 

The months go by and sometimes I think having Carter makes the pain worse and better at the same time if that makes sense.

I enjoy every moment that I have with him, but it just stirs up more questions. 

I cant help but look at Carter and wonder if they would have looked and sounded the same. 

Hes so vocal and happy all the time.

If at this age would they have gotten along? 

Bug would have been 1 year 7 months and Carter is now almost 6. 

What would their interactions be like?

Alot of people have actually asked. 

had you had Bug, would you have had Carter?

I don't see why we wouldn't have. 

We both had agreed we wanted two kids. 

Why does it matter how and when they came...

Honestly its none of your business 

OITNB

Man, the opening credits song came on and I lost my shit

Every time the newest season came out I was pregnant. Both with Bug and Carter.

With Bug I was living with my Meatball. I'd watch a few episodes, sleep, eat, wait for her to come home then hang out and have girl time.

And with Carter, My Person was about to leave on deployment, so she came over and binge watched it with me for an entire day.

This time, my son is asleep, snoring in his crib and I'm out in the living room blubbering like an idiot.

Its crazy how all it takes is a song to bring you back to that place....