The first time I saw you,

I immediately fell in love.

1 year 5 months

73 weeks

516 days 

12,384 hours

743,040 minutes

44,582,400 seconds

since I was told that I had lost my son. 

April is always a bitter sweet month

James and I had announced we were having him on our birthday, 

not knowing that things were going to end so horribly.

This April we also did our annual trip home, and Carters sip and see. 

The morning of which I was a mess

getting on everyone and everything (ask my manfriend and my meatball Im sorry you know I love you both) 

it was honestly the anxiety finally coming up from the depths of wherever I was hiding it.

I was celebrating having had Carter at the same house where I had once celebrated what was supposed to be the upcoming arrival of Bug. 

It was also a flashback of pretty much all the same people at both events, which was weird, 

but in the background I could occasionally hear Carters coos and crying breaking through the chatter. 

Im not gonna lie I had a lump in my throat the entire party,

but like always, I did a damn good job of not totally breaking down and crying. 

National Sibling Day

I love/hate how social media has played a part it recognizing random ass no one knew before holidays, like national sibling day....
I honestly hated today, everyone posting pictures of their siblings like everything was just peachy keen....
And I'm not gonna sit here and act like the relationship with my sister was always a good one....we eventually mended our differences and are closer then ever...but it wasn't always that way....
But none the less I would have loved to have posted pictures of my boys, but again that will never be my reality.

My boys.

Bug's brother Carter.

Carter's brother Bug.

But instead, my heart aches for the fact  that Carter will never know Bug, and vice versa...

We were expecting a baby.....

2 years ago today we found out we were pregnant with Bug.
There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about yesterday and today or you and what should have been. 

I missed the first pregnancy test because my glasses fell off, so I peed in a cup and dunked 6 in, all blue dye tests, and they all came up positive. 

Then the next day we went to the Dr to confirm it and called all our family to tell them the news. 

We were approximately 4 weeks and 2 days. 

I can tell you what I was wearing when the Dr came in and said "Congratulations???!", looking at us with a very judgmental look, then leaving allowing us to talk things over. 

I can tell you exactly how the appointment went when we went in for the confirmatjon of pregnancy ultrasound, my freak out, and the conversation that came afterwards. 

4 weeks later on our birthday we were 8 weeks and announced to everyone else. 

I can tell you exactly how the day went.

I can tell you everything about the day that we lost you. 

It plays over and over in my mind like a broken record, and I can't move the needle. 

It will forever stay stuck on that day. 

We lost you and what we thought our future was going to be. 

We lost a baby, experiences, hopes and dreams. 

We lost our baby. 

We lost our Bug. 

Again James and I will never share pictures of him or his name. 

Its all we have left  our our son for ourselves. 

But everyone will and does know about you. 

They know that we had you for 9 months, 

and that I grew you and loved and will always love you. 

That, we will never keep to ourselves. 

Pot O Gold...

2 years ago I had an incling, and something wasn't right. 9 days later James had said, " I bet you're pregnant" and $100 in pregnancy tests, redvines and Arnold Palmers later it was confirmed.

I remember all of this like it was yesterday.

Its around this time every year the beginning of my flashbacks and deepest sadness happens. I wish more then anything things ended differently.

This day has never been the same. Neither is any other big monumental moment I had with Bug.
Days like these are all I get to look back on.
These are the memories I have with my son.

For the next 9 days I was oblivious to the journey, sickness, joy, sorrow, anxiety and devistating loss I was about to go through.

I just wanted a happy ending.
I just wanted to find my pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.

1 year 4 months

41,904,000 seconds
698,400 minutes
11,640 hours
485 days
69 weeks 

and 2 days

Since I found out I lost my son.

I would like to say that things are getting easier but that's a lie. 

I find it harder and harder to enjoy Carter with Bug being in the background.

I am both happy and sad on a daily basis. 

Every day is more and more of a roller coaster ride that seems to never end. 

I was asked recently by a close friend how we were going to explain Bug to Carter.

Honestly I hadn't really thought that far just yet

There is a book called  " One that came before you" that explains, in children terms, that there was a baby that passed. 

I have read other blogs were kids as young as 5 understand that they had a brother or sister but that he or she isn't here anymore. 

I guess that we will just have to go with our gut and see how things pan out. 

I don't want to be that family that  acts as thought there was no Bug, and sadly there are families that do that for many reasons.

Either its too painful, highly frowned upon by family, or they feel as thought the baby never lived so it wasn't really a baby. 

How anyone could feel like that is beyond me.

Butterfly Baby

So I just learned that in the child loss community, for those who don't like the term angel baby (for religious, spiritual, personal reasons) call their babies butterfly babies.
How weird/cool/ironic??!!
When I designed Bugs memorial tags from the bear drive, I realized his initials back to back made a butterfly.
I told my friend Soo (after many picky "change this" emails) I had finally settled on that design because it just felt right.

I'm picking up what you're puttin down Bug.
🐛❤😍

Pictures.

Today I went to Walmart to print off Carters newborn photos.
And in the middle of the store the reality of it hit me like a swift punch to my gut.

Carter has over 200 newborn photos.

Bug has 22.

And Bug will only have 22.

Some of which were taken by the nurse at the hospital.
And some taken by me at the funeral home.

Many of you know we had a Molly Bear made for Bug.
James also made me a ring.
Both were used as props at Carter's newborn shoot, and both times they were used, I lost my shit.

So there I was standing standing at walmart with Carter sleeping in his Moby wrap, trying to keep myself from crying as I'm printing off the photos. I probly looked crazy, but I honestly don't care anymore. Like I've said before, grief has the worst timing, and hits you at the most inconvenient places .... 

As I was looking through Carters photos I found myself covering the screen when I came across those photos. They are sacred and I didn't want complete strangers seeing them. 

I like that we kept Bugs photos private and in all honesty I almost want to keep these photos private too. 

Before his photo shoot I looked on Pinterest  for posing ideas. I don't like the overly cheesy poses, because they come across weird in photos.And there is only one time I will be able to capture these specific photos.

I wanted genuine, easy, tastefull poses. 

I found the one where the right hand cradles the baby's head and the left holds his body. 

And I specifically chose that one so my ring would show. 

Bug is "in" a lot of these photos. You just have to look for it. 

I am both happy and sad while looking at these photos. 

They are the only pictures I will ever have of my two boys together. 

Candles and Shirts

Today was Carters sip and see.
I anxiously ran around the house making sure everything was perfect and ready.
I personally, am absolutely terrified if my house smells bad, so I have candles in every room.
Including the nursery.
The candle in there, I bought for you and what was to be your nursery.
For more then a year that candle, like everything else in that room,  just sat there.
I couldn't smell the "soft candle" scent at Yankee candle for the longest time.
I don't know what compelled me to light that candle today.
I honestly never thought that I would use it.
But I did, and I got a little teary eyed.
Its a soft and comforting smell, but in the instant that I lit it, I was thrown back to being pregnant with you.
walking around the streets of Tanasbourne
excitedly buying that candle
putting it in what was to be your nursery
taking the lid off and letting the scent fill the room and hallway
and talking with the lady about doing candle birth announcements.

And then while getting ready for today,
I realized, again without planning it,
that I was wearing the same shirt that I wore at your baby shower...

And now while writing this I realized that both you and your brother had water/ocean themed parties....

I without being aware of everything, realized that you were here...
and in more ways then one, today out of all days, you showed me.


I have to add that I am quite proud of myself for keeping my shit together today...
This entire journey has been an emotional rollercoaster that I would, more then anything, like to get off of, but unfortunately I dont have that choice.

"You've always been a mom"

moth·er 1  (mŭth′ər)

n.

1.

a. A woman who gives birth to a child.

I want to scream when people say that.
Bug made you a mom....yeah ok, sure...

There's a saying that women are mothers when they find out they are pregnant and men are fathers once they hold the baby.

Well in my case that was not true.

The entire pregnancy I cringed whenever people called me mama, and especially after Bug died.

I am not one of those people that called themselves an angel mom, called him an angel baby etc etc etc.
Those are all such weird titles to me.

It was also a title that I had not yet earned or deserved.

There is a side of the baby loss community that is proud they were pregnant and had their baby and are a mother to an angel, but that was never me.

Don't get me wrong, I was happy I was pregnant as awful as the pregnancy was. But having had a dead baby was not a "proud" moment for me.

To each their own I'm not here to judge I'm only telling you how I feel.

I was recently told by someone the lame ass "Everything happens for a reason. Dont get me wrong you were supposed to have Bug, but not here on this earth or in this lifetime. It's unfortunate you lost him but in turn you gave someone up in heaven a baby they couldn't have here on earth... you gave birth to an angel which is the hardest thing anyone could ever do. And there is a reason you had Carter. You will soon find out."
Uh.
Ok.
Really??!!
Gag me.
Shoot me.
Stab me with a spoon repeatedly....

I can now say I'm a mom....but I wanna smack people who say otherwise.

1 Year 3 Months

65 weeks 

457 days

10,968 hours

658,080 minutes 

39,484,800 seconds 

since I found out I lost my son. 

For the rest of my life this day will be painful. 

And for the rest of my life it will, in February, land on Valentines Day. 

Again this year, James and I didn't really do much if anything about it. 

Its not Valentines day to us anymore. 

My friend is in town, and we went off the island to the movies and the mall.

I had just so happened to get my sisters present for helping us out with Carter, and was told his ring had come in. 

I for the longest time didn't want to get a ring for Carter, that was Bugs thing.

Bugs Ring. 

But after much thinking I wanted one for both of my boys. 

I was given Bugs ring as a memorial piece, had we actually had him it would have been my push present. 

James and I went to Kays, designed it, said what we wanted engraved in it, and a few weeks later picked it up. Its a stackable ring so any other ring made like it would just sit right on top or below it and look like one big ring. 

I am often complimented on his ring.

Im not surprised, its a gorgeous ring. 

But only the people that know me know the meaning behind it. 

When I had Carter, our favorite nurse Pat made it a point to let me keep my Bug ring on during my C section. 

It was my way to have him there for all of it.

I for the past year always looked down at my right hand and saw just Bugs ring. There is not a day that I didn't wear it. Even pregnant and a few super swollen days, that ring stayed on my finger. 

But today for the first time, I had both rings on, for just a split second. 

And it took everything for me not to start bawling in the store. 

I managed to keep it together in the store, but as we were walking away I was telling my friend how I legit had a lump in my throat

seeing both those rings on my finger for the first time.

This week is the last week I will only have Bugs...

It was all bitter sweet that it happened today

on the 14th, which is Bugs day,

for his brother Carter. 

But in a way, I think its Bug.

Being ok and involved in the ever changing life that we now live. 

I don't and will never believe or say things happen for a reason...

but I will say I am picking up what hes putting down. 

 

Both my boys.

I went on an impromptu road trip home to Portland for less then 48 hours.
I didn't want to get anything car related for baby until we knew we were going to have him. When James bought the car seat and stroller weeks before baby was due I freaked.
I remember giving the strollers and car seat to a friend to have her sell them for us because I couldn't bare to see them empty lying around my house anymore.

So a few weeks went by, I finally started driving again, and I decided to buy a mirror so I could see how little man was doing during outings.

After Bug passed I had some memorial jewelry made.
One necklace I have is a pretty piece of citrine, his birth stone, with a hand stamped tag that reads "Bug" on it.

I don't know how it ended up hanging from my rear view mirror but it has been there for almost a year, and I can't seem to take it off.

As I was driving down the freeway I had another one of those moments where things should have been different.
I should have two screaming babies in the backseat.

But in a weird way I actually had both the boys in my car.

As I was looking at Carter in the backseat, the light glimmered on Bugs necklace.
I also remember it glimmering when we brought home Carter from the hospital.

Bug has always been there for me in some way or another, but now hes looking out for his baby brother too.

New Baby Smell

A year ago the smell of new baby was nauseating...
and its like my body only remembers last year.
I want to love the smell...
but its like I stop myself.
New diapers, baby lotion, formula, all of it just makes me sick to my stomach
but I smell it every day now.
Before leaving the house now its a ritual, make sure the baby looks presentable and then check yourself for any spit up or whatever else on your person.
I feel as though my house stinks like dirty diapers and spit up, but I've been assured it doesn't.

Its just funny to me when people say the new smell of baby is intoxicating....
I have yet to feel it.

1 year 2 months

60 weeks
426 days
10,224 hours
613,440 minutes
36,806,400 seconds
Since I found out I lost my son.

The past few "14ths" have been very trying for me.
November 14th was the 1 year anniversary.
December 14th I was 8 1/2 months pregnant with Bugs baby brother Beanie aka Carter.
And now January 14th I'm the mother to an almost 3 week old.
I'm a mother.
That was the weirdest thing to type,
let alone say.
The emotions I've had in the past three weeks I can't put into words, because honestly they have been all over the place. (Thank you pregnancy hormones)

Seeing Carter in some of what were supposed to be Bugs clothes.
Hearing Carter cry when it at one point should have been Bug.
And to be the mother to only one living child when it should be two.

I was so kindly reminded that
"Well at least you only had one baby, could you imagine having two?!"

Yes.

Thank you.

I'm fully aware that I only have one child.
I have a daily reminder of that for the last year and especially now.
I should be pulling my hair out chasing after a one year old and having a newborn.
I should have two adorable baby boys.
Two mini James.
Two grandchildren for my parents.
Two nephews for my sister.
Two...

BUG IS A BIG BROTHER!

2013-2014 were by far the craziest years for James and I. 
As you know in 2013 we lost our son Bug. In 2014 we were maneuvering our way through the grief and mourning of Bug while also becoming pregnant and having his younger brother. 
The choice to keep the entirety of this pregnancy and birth a secret is not something we ask you to understand but to respect. After everything that happened with Bug, we just needed to do what we could to get through this pregnancy and have a healthy baby at the end of it.
We hate that we have to address the two following things but its already come up and we just have to say something about it now...
1)Just because we had a baby doesn't mean that everything is now "ok". We are now working our way through "new" grief and all the emotions that come with having a baby. Don't get me wrong, we are ridiculously in love and excited, but all of it is bittersweet.
And 2) Please watch your words.
He is not a miracle baby, a Christmas miracle or any other religious spin you want to put on it. "God" did not bless us with this baby because Bug died, Bug didnt send us his baby brother, Bug didn't die because we were meant to have Beanie etc etc etc.
He is a baby, that we got pregnant with like any other normal couple, that just so happened to come on Christmas due to medical reasons.
We would like to take a moment and say thank you for your continued support and understanding of this journey. This is not the way we ever imagined our lives going, but its now our reality.
We can only take it day by day.

New year, new grief

2014 is officially over and 2015 has officially started .
And its all just another sad reminder of the new grief I will be walking through this year.
New milestones Bug should have been meeting or making.
New things James and I should have been experiencing as parents of a one year old.

The new year is just sad.

Last year I was stupidly working at a vet clinic thinking that I needed to throw myself into a job and keep myself busy.
When in fact I needed to give myself the time to grieve.

This year things are much much different.

Last year I was belligerently drunk at a new years party, trying to have a good time and make it seem like everything was ok. 

This year I was home with my husband and just cried at midnight.
Like I did last year.
For all the same reasons.

So much for a happy new year.

This is gonna be one hell of a year that's for sure.

Twas the night before Christmas...

And all through the house
Not a creature was stirring...

Well we all know that's a lie.

Another sleepless night full of the
Should have
Could have
Would have
Beens.

Another night where all the emotions you've been trying to surpress for the entire month so you don't seem like the sad mopey person during the holidays comes to the surface.

And it hits you.

It hits you hard.

Its another one of those nights where you have the gut wrenching tears and can't catch your breath.
You allow yourself to have the full fledged breakdown because you've been trying to keep your shit together the whole month for everyone else.

But you realize you don't owe anyone an explanation.

You are this way because you have to say 

I should have my son this Christmas.

My baby should have his first stocking.

Our family card should have me, James, Bug and the dogs.

But it doesn't.

And it never will....

1 year 1 month

34,128,000 seconds
568,800 minutes
9480 hours
395 days
56 weeks
since I lost my son.

I'm just numb and going through the motions of the holidays without really acknowledging them.
When asked what my plans for Christmas are I inwardly cringe, but say family is coming into town and leave it at that.

It should be Bugs first big Christmas.

He would have been one. Not like he would really be into gifts and the whole Santa thing yet, but we would have been able to get him more interactive toys and such.

But instead we are finding a host family and donating 1 year old boy toys, and making a memorial donation to stillbirth research.

Its the second holiday season without him, but it feels like the first.

I hate all the people who unknowling are waving in my face their baby's first Christmas experience...but it is what it is.

I am also dreading Christmas day , because we all know someone is gonna use that day to announce a pregnancy of some kind or another.
There are tons of ladies in a baby loss group I'm a part of that have Santa hats on their ultrasounds, or wrapped them in presents or hung a pregnancy test from the tree, or are announcing the gender with a stocking.
Its cute, I get it your excited, so was I, but I just want to scream don't do it!

There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of him, but the holidays seem to make it all so much worse.

Someone said today, I don't understand why people decide to be miserable during the happiest time of the year...being miserable is a choice and they should choose otherwise...

Im sorry some of us don't have that "choice"

I can't choose when and how I grieve.

Its beginning to look alot like Christmas

I can't sleep, just got a lot on my mind. James before Thanksgiving actually got me a tree because he said he wanted one this year. I honestly really didn't know how I'd feel about it all, the holidays just aren't the same for us...
But I finally got tired of staring at the damn box so I put that shit together.
Of course I got emotional.
I should be worried about where were placing it and what ornaments to hang where so Bug wouldn't pull them off the tree...

We were supposed to have a 1 year old this Christmas.

All those things just sit there in the back of your mind and pop up when you do things like this.
Everyone is always so excited about putting up a tree, but it really just stings and is a reminder of all the time that past and all that should have been.
Its sad to not have the "Baby's first Christmas" ornament, it really really hurts.
I'm part of a group for ladies trying to concieve after a loss and so many women are announcing pregnancies with Christmas this year and I just cringe.
From personal experience we announced Bug on our birthday, we thought (at the time) it was a cute idea....but every year when that day rolls around it just hurts even more...

So its beginning to look a lot like Christmas, I just don't think it will feel like it for a while...

Holiday Parties

Tis the season.
Invites for parties are beginning to come in and my anxiety is going up with the decisions to attend or not.
Almost every other year James and I loved going, but now this year we have one of two options.

Option 1: Fake it till ya make it.
That includes plastering on a face and smile, ugly christmas sweater or what have you, and getting a present for the host.

Sadly I've become so good at this I don't know what's real or what's fake anymore...

Option 2: Be honest with myself and stay home because honestly, I don't want to pretend to be happy and ruin someone else's party...

Seeing other peoples kids dressed up all fancy and hearing about what they accomplished this year is too much to handle.

Emotionally, mentally and physically, this is exhausting.

They say it "gets easier" with time....
I'm still waiting for it to do so...