Practice

At roller derby practice tonight a lady brought her son 

He kept yelling 

go mommy! 

Or hi mommy! 

Or look that's mom!

And it took everything me for not to cry... 

I want my husband and son there watching me do this... 

I want my own little hype man... 

Then I go to thinking why I am there and get angry at myself. 

I there because my baby didn't make it and I again, threw myself into something to keep myself physically busy and my mind off things. 

But leaving practice 

I just burst into tears...

So badly I almost couldn't drive home... 

I can't help but feel guilty and sad about all the things I'm doing 

and if I had a baby

in reality 

wouldn't be doing. 

I can't say I'd do derby... Or at least not for a while... 

I wouldn't be going out to bars or parties 

I would actually really enjoy

being at home 

with my son

But again...

That's not my reality. 

And it never will be. 

Three Months

13 weeks
92 days
2208 hours
132,480 minutes
7,948,800 seconds
I found out I lost my son.

This month it just so happens to have landed on Valentines Day....
A day about love
and hearts

His wasn't beating anymore

It meant he was no longer alive.

My entire pregnancy he had  the strongest heartbeat...
I always could find it, on the left side of my stomach
where he always decided to position himself...
It was such a comforting sound.

I remember charging the video camera before my 16 week appointment
So James could bring it
and of course we forgot

and he didn't want to record it on his phone. 

I remember the first time we saw his heart beat

At 8 weeks 

He looked like a little gummy bear

And in his chest there was a little grey flicker. 

That first ultrasound made everything real. 

I only have one video of his heartbeat.
It was from my first appointment in Oregon
with Ashley
who wanted to record it and send it to James.

I remember my sister coming to a baby appointment and saying
woah, it sounds like a jellyfish!
the first time that she ever heard it.

It was a routine at my appointments

Hear his heart beat 

Measure my tummy 

Take a couple ultrasound pics 

And out the door I went 

Every time I heard it I would smile.


I never thought that I wouldn't hear it again.

I'm pretty sure my heart stopped beating that day too...

Baby Steps

You will get "there"

You will get through "this" 

It'll take "time" 

Just put one foot in front of the other

Just take baby steps....

You don't even realize what you are saying...
Its verbal diarrhea that just comes out that you can't stop
That you think is going to help me
But in fact it hurts more...

and the fact that you said baby steps makes me want to punch you in the face

Where is there?

What is this?

You really think that anything baby sits well with me right now...

Seriously just shut up and say nothing at all.

I don't want to hear it anymore...

The Deafening Silence

This was the hardest 25 minutes of my life to watch, but this is the best interpretation of what happened that day, our feelings, and how we are still dealing with this.
You are being pulled a million different directions by your emotions, doctors, nurses, etc.
You keep playing it over and over again in your head.
You hear nothing anyone is saying
You are in your own little world.....

Hoarding

I like a dumb ass, started a "Hoarders" marathon.

my heart got heavy
feeling for the people
who had a loved one pass
and they for too long
have been holding on to their things
and in many cases,
everything.

I am constantly asked what I am going to do with all of Bug's things.
The thing that hurts the most is going into that room.
I can't put the last of the things I have of my son in boxes.
And we were so far along that those were HIS things...

I want to scream when people say
"You can always use that for another baby"

Dont get me wrong, had he made it, we wouldve saved them
for another Buchanan...
But now we cant.

We had, with everything, imagined him in his custom made onsies from my baby shower
the Duck jersey Mama Duck gave us that James was so excited about
the pirate onsie my sister gave me that was my favorite
and the little bear jacket that was supposed to be his homecoming outfit,
but ended up being the outfit he was cremated in...

I just can't see me getting rid of his things.
Its all I have left of my baby.

A weekend

A weekend at home was what I thought I needed
but it was far more emotional then I thought it was going to be
and for what I think I was ready for

Seeing the couch that I laid on day after day
where I would take videos of him kicking
to send to his daddy
hurt so bad to sit on...

and I couldn't sit in
that spot....

walking into both of my parents houses
without a baby
was just awful.

I was so excited for my first time bring him home
to grandma and grandpas houses
but that will never happen...

I had imagined coming home to Portland
driving around my old stomping grounds with a baby
showing him off
and being a mom

packing my car again for the drive back home
but this time not with baby things
or a baby
was I think
the most painful

a weekend was all it took
to kick up what I thought was settled dust

http://shine.yahoo.com/love-sex/movie-encourages-open-discussion-pregnancy-38-infant-loss-182700952.html

I couldn't say it better myself

So...how have you been?

Had a recheck appointment today with our dr.
She about the only other person I am honest to 
besides James

The car ride is always hard.
James and I can laugh and joke until we get to the last road
right before the hospital

Its not any easier going into that office 
seeing the receptionist
the nurses

that room...

but we have to.

Everyone there is anxiously awaiting us having prenatal appointments there again...
to see this come full circle 
where things so badly ended before
would be some kind of closure.

The office remembered us
their receptionists cried.
I had never seen anyone so excited to see us as parents.

Maternity Photos

I didn't want maternity photos
I didn't want to be photographed 
when I thought I looked like the worlds biggest manatee
But everyone insisted that I should do them
It was their biggest regret of their pregnancy if they didn't 
looking back it now Im really glad we did them...
they are the only photos I have of us
Me, James and Bug.


We had the sweetest photographer during our maternity photos.
She herself had 2 boys and 1 girl.
She put up with me not wanting super posey pictures
or traditional (personally I think hella stupid) maternity poses...
and she captured exactly what I wanted. 

Our photos ended up coming a month or so after Bug passed.
She kept trying to coordinate a time for me to come pick them up
and finally I asked if she could mail them. 
She said 
"Of course!
Im sure with a new baby times are a little hectic right now!" 
Let me know when you want to do your newborn shoot!
I cant wait to meet him! " 

Ouch....

About a week after that she messaged me asking how they turned out and if I liked them
and in all honesty 
I hadn't looked at them

It hurt too much to do so

So I finally had to tell her the truth.

Our son was stillborn at 38 weeks. 
I dont have the heart to look at the photos yet, it just hurts too much. 
But I wanted to say that you for capturing what was the last happy moments we had with our son. 

About 2 weeks ago I got the cd out at just stared at it....

I think it sat on my bedstand table for a good week till I had the guts to take it out of the envelope.
After that it just sat there for another week.
I finally I downloaded them onto James computer. 

I never looked at them...

Not till last week. 

The first few photos I got through ok
then it just got harder and harder...
the reality that those are the only photos I have of  James my son and I
the reality that I didn't get to have the newborn photos that you are supposed to have afterwords...
the fact that James and I looked so happy (and slightly scared) about how much our lives were going to change....
needless to say I didn't get through the photos. 

Then today, James and I were talking babies (of course) 
and I asked if he had seen them...
I didnt even wait for his answer and I started to go through them
and immediately started crying...
and James being James
closed out the pictures
shut the laptop 
and just hugged me


he knew.
I didn't have to say a thing. 

                                                           (Yes, this is me and Bug)

Seriously....

Im sure to some this is going to come across as 
bitchy
self centered
heartless
and many other descriptions of a person 
but 

I DONT CARE THAT YOU ARE PREGNANT. 

6 people have gone out of their way to say 

" I just wanted to let you know that Im pregnant, and I just wanted to let you know personally since I dont know how you would react to it since everything happened....so what do you think" 

Firstly
personally isnt via a Facebook message or txt. 
Personally is a phonecall 
or a face to face conversation. 
Secondly, the things I am thinking and want to say I cant tell you.
Trust me, you wouldnt like it.

Whats even funnier to me is that you think I care....
unfortunately people are going to get pregnant
and babies are going to be born
every
fucking
day.

I have no choice in the matter

trust me tho

I block you on every social media outlet 
and ignore if and when you message or txt me
I dont want to take away from your happiness...
but I dont give a flying fuck. 

go about your pregnancy and leave me out of it 

no one will ever be involved in another one of mine.
thats for sure. 

2am

2am was my morning snack time 

It was like clockwork

I would be awake around 1 

Hungry but not starving 

By 2am I was pretty sure I could eat a horse. 

It was always the same snack too... I'm a creature of habit 

One Greek yogurt and a banana or grapes 

I used to love my morning feedings. 

The yogurt was cold so he'd kick and squirm. 

I'd talk to him like really...was that necessary

Then he would snuggle back up and pretty soon we would both be asleep again 

My body (and stomach) keep me in that awkward pattern. 

I really wish some of these things would stop...

I just want to sleep. 

He lives in you

As many of you know I love me some Disney.
James had bought me all of The Lion King movies before we even found out we were pregnant.
(He said we had to stock up on the good movies so our kids grew up right...But I knew it was really for him...or me....)
I look back at it now and laugh, but at the time I was a hott mess!

I remember watching The Lion King, and I was only about 10 weeks pregnant or so,
and 5 minutes into the movie during "Circle of Life"
I was bawling like an idiot.
Full on ugly Oprah cry
snot
tears
exasperated breathing....

Over a song.

That song had never moved me to tears before.
I could only blame it on the hormones.



I honestly havent been able to watch or listen to alot of music that I used to when I was pregnant.
It just bring back memories and feelings I really am not ready for.

But needless to say, I could watch Lion King 2.
Until it got to this song.

For Good

I've heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today
Because I knew you...
Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
I have been changed for good

It well may be
That we will never meet again
In this lifetime
So let me say before we part
So much of me
Is made of what I learned from you
You'll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have re-written mine
By being my friend...
Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a skybird
In a distant wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you

Because I knew you



I have been changed for good

Numb

There are parts of my stomach that are still numb
and a section of it today is starting to get feeling
and it burns

Your body goes through hell during a pregnancy
hormonal
physical
emotional
changes that you have no choice but to accept. 
Alot of these things they dont tell you about
or you find out about them too late...
its worse after having "had" the baby
and trying to wrap your emotions around what youre feeling...

I already once talked about the phantom kicks...
which in the past week have been happening more and more.
I already spoke about the milk coming in
again, your body thinks you had the baby. 

I was told by a few people that have had c sections
that everyone heals differently. 
Luckily I got almost all the feeling back.
There is a 1 inch section from the bottom of my belly button 
to my incision that still hurts.
I got the really dark line on my stomach when I was pregnant 
which is slowly starting to go away.
But my stomach will never be the same.

Ive slowly started working out again since the surgery 
but my stomach muscles are totally shot.

When we were at the hospital and they were giving us the option on how we could have had him
I was really worried if I had the surgery it would look like a hack job.
I thought that I would have to look at my stomach 
and think about how terrible this whole experience was day after day
But the incision is so little and my dr did such a great job, 
unless I told you
you would never see it. 

Sunday

I went to church on Sunday with a few friends. 

I had been wanting to go for a while, meet new people 

Maybe get involved in a few things

I thought it would be way easier then it was 

Sundays are always emotional days for me 

Sundays were my weeks while I was preggo. I would take pictures, write about the previous week, and get excited I was counting up and down for Bugs' arrival. 

I think I made it 10 minutes into the singing and I was done. 

The song was 

I wanna know you

I wanna see your face 

I wanna know you more

I want to touch you 

And some other lyrics 

But shit...every single one of those things I wanted to do with Bug. 

Thank goodness there were tissues, I totally cried the whole time and I lost it when the pastor said 

God gives us blessings. 

I'm having a baby... 

Well my wife is having a baby. 

I think about that all the time. 

Needless to say I said seriously?! 

Really loud 

and ran out of the church before I burst into massive sobs in the bathroom...

The thing I wanted most I now can't get away from 

It's repeatedly shoved in my face. 

If James and I decide to do this again I won't get to tell everyone and be excited 

I'm too terrified that something bad like this is gonna happen again and I just can't deal. 

I really hope my weeks don't land on Sundays 

I feel so naked

A stone came loose in my ring
so I had to take it back to the shop to get fixed.
Its been a week and every time I look down
and dont see it
I freak out a little bit.

The little things like this trigger feelings
They never did before.

I feel so naked without my ring....
not that it makes any of this any better,
having a ring that I miss
but it made things easier
to look down and see it everyday

I just want it back already...

How many kids do you have?

I have been dreading that question for the longest time...
The entire time I was pregnant 
I was so excited to say one, a boy! 
and for a second I almost said it...

but then
like clockwork
my breathing got heavy 
my eyes filled with tears 
and I couldn't even get out the words. 

The question came from a new acquaintance 
who only had good intentions in wanting to get to know me
but I think I was just so used to talking to everyone who already knew 

she was understanding
as most people are 
and didn't say anything to push the knife in further

I had always wondered how I would handle that question
whether I say
"I have no kids" or "he passed away"
I still start crying or get emotional

I think its sad to try and pretend it never happened
and I have spoken/interacted with a few grieving mothers who have done just that.

I am learning I have every right to be mad, sad, and whatever emotion I want to feel 
about my son having passed...
as do you 
as a friend
family member
or complete stranger coming across this blog.

There is a first time for everything
and how you handle that first time 
speaks volumes.

I think I did ok...

Sorry

sor•ry (ˈsɒr i, ˈsɔr i) 

adj. -ri•er, -ri•est.

1. feeling regret, compunction, sympathy, pity, etc,

2. regrettable or deplorable; unfortunate

3. sorrowful; grieved.

4. suggestive of grief; melancholy.

5. wretched, poor, or useless.

6. (used interjectionally as a conventional apology)

While at the hospital after it happened

I can not tell you how many times I looked at James and said 

Im sorry

Im so so sorry

I killed Bug 

I killed our boy.

In all reality, I did nothing wrong,

but you can't tell a mother who just lost their baby 

that they grew, named, carried, saw and were waiting for

that they did nothing wrong....

I find myself apologizing for things I shouldn't

Im sorry Im crying

Im sorry I always talk about him

Im sorry Im emotionally couldn't handle today

I feel like a fucking crazy person

Im learning that grieving is a process, and there is kind of a right and wrong way to do it....

and I realized that I am doing everything wrong.

I threw myself into a job 1 month and 4 days after it happened to "keep myself busy and my mind off things" 

I thought that working would help, but its really making everything worse.

I stop myself from crying time and time again so I don't look like a crazy person.

No one can time a "grief attack" as I call it,

and when it happens there is absolutely no controlling it

trust me Ive tried

and when you try to control it, it only makes it worse....

I avoid conversation so I don't have to talk about it.

When people ask how I'm doing I give the typical 

Im fine

because Im sure society would not handle 

"Im fucking miserable. My son died 10 days before I was supposed to have him, and Im trying to learn how to live with it."

so this is me saying 

IM NOT SORRY ANYMORE

I WILL cry

I WILL talk about him

I WILL do whatever it takes to get ME through another day without my Bug 

and if you don't like it....too bad. 

The Face

Im realizing its becoming harder and harder to put it on

to be ok with everything

and to make other people believe Im ok

One can only lie to themselves and others for so long

Covering up what happened is not going to make this easier

It makes it so much harder

trying to pretend this isn't painfull

I have excepted that I am going to go through hell

I can only hope that the days I cant put on the face

I have friends and family here to walk by my side

and make this walk a little bit easier...