How many kids do you have?

I have been dreading that question for the longest time...
The entire time I was pregnant 
I was so excited to say one, a boy! 
and for a second I almost said it...

but then
like clockwork
my breathing got heavy 
my eyes filled with tears 
and I couldn't even get out the words. 

The question came from a new acquaintance 
who only had good intentions in wanting to get to know me
but I think I was just so used to talking to everyone who already knew 

she was understanding
as most people are 
and didn't say anything to push the knife in further

I had always wondered how I would handle that question
whether I say
"I have no kids" or "he passed away"
I still start crying or get emotional

I think its sad to try and pretend it never happened
and I have spoken/interacted with a few grieving mothers who have done just that.

I am learning I have every right to be mad, sad, and whatever emotion I want to feel 
about my son having passed...
as do you 
as a friend
family member
or complete stranger coming across this blog.

There is a first time for everything
and how you handle that first time 
speaks volumes.

I think I did ok...