Practice

At roller derby practice tonight a lady brought her son 

He kept yelling 

go mommy! 

Or hi mommy! 

Or look that's mom!

And it took everything me for not to cry... 

I want my husband and son there watching me do this... 

I want my own little hype man... 

Then I go to thinking why I am there and get angry at myself. 

I there because my baby didn't make it and I again, threw myself into something to keep myself physically busy and my mind off things. 

But leaving practice 

I just burst into tears...

So badly I almost couldn't drive home... 

I can't help but feel guilty and sad about all the things I'm doing 

and if I had a baby

in reality 

wouldn't be doing. 

I can't say I'd do derby... Or at least not for a while... 

I wouldn't be going out to bars or parties 

I would actually really enjoy

being at home 

with my son

But again...

That's not my reality. 

And it never will be.