Sorry

sor•ry (ˈsɒr i, ˈsɔr i) 

adj. -ri•er, -ri•est.

1. feeling regret, compunction, sympathy, pity, etc,

2. regrettable or deplorable; unfortunate

3. sorrowful; grieved.

4. suggestive of grief; melancholy.

5. wretched, poor, or useless.

6. (used interjectionally as a conventional apology)

While at the hospital after it happened

I can not tell you how many times I looked at James and said 

Im sorry

Im so so sorry

I killed Bug 

I killed our boy.

In all reality, I did nothing wrong,

but you can't tell a mother who just lost their baby 

that they grew, named, carried, saw and were waiting for

that they did nothing wrong....

I find myself apologizing for things I shouldn't

Im sorry Im crying

Im sorry I always talk about him

Im sorry Im emotionally couldn't handle today

I feel like a fucking crazy person

Im learning that grieving is a process, and there is kind of a right and wrong way to do it....

and I realized that I am doing everything wrong.

I threw myself into a job 1 month and 4 days after it happened to "keep myself busy and my mind off things" 

I thought that working would help, but its really making everything worse.

I stop myself from crying time and time again so I don't look like a crazy person.

No one can time a "grief attack" as I call it,

and when it happens there is absolutely no controlling it

trust me Ive tried

and when you try to control it, it only makes it worse....

I avoid conversation so I don't have to talk about it.

When people ask how I'm doing I give the typical 

Im fine

because Im sure society would not handle 

"Im fucking miserable. My son died 10 days before I was supposed to have him, and Im trying to learn how to live with it."

so this is me saying 

IM NOT SORRY ANYMORE

I WILL cry

I WILL talk about him

I WILL do whatever it takes to get ME through another day without my Bug 

and if you don't like it....too bad.