Maternity Photos

I didn't want maternity photos
I didn't want to be photographed 
when I thought I looked like the worlds biggest manatee
But everyone insisted that I should do them
It was their biggest regret of their pregnancy if they didn't 
looking back it now Im really glad we did them...
they are the only photos I have of us
Me, James and Bug.


We had the sweetest photographer during our maternity photos.
She herself had 2 boys and 1 girl.
She put up with me not wanting super posey pictures
or traditional (personally I think hella stupid) maternity poses...
and she captured exactly what I wanted. 

Our photos ended up coming a month or so after Bug passed.
She kept trying to coordinate a time for me to come pick them up
and finally I asked if she could mail them. 
She said 
"Of course!
Im sure with a new baby times are a little hectic right now!" 
Let me know when you want to do your newborn shoot!
I cant wait to meet him! " 

Ouch....

About a week after that she messaged me asking how they turned out and if I liked them
and in all honesty 
I hadn't looked at them

It hurt too much to do so

So I finally had to tell her the truth.

Our son was stillborn at 38 weeks. 
I dont have the heart to look at the photos yet, it just hurts too much. 
But I wanted to say that you for capturing what was the last happy moments we had with our son. 

About 2 weeks ago I got the cd out at just stared at it....

I think it sat on my bedstand table for a good week till I had the guts to take it out of the envelope.
After that it just sat there for another week.
I finally I downloaded them onto James computer. 

I never looked at them...

Not till last week. 

The first few photos I got through ok
then it just got harder and harder...
the reality that those are the only photos I have of  James my son and I
the reality that I didn't get to have the newborn photos that you are supposed to have afterwords...
the fact that James and I looked so happy (and slightly scared) about how much our lives were going to change....
needless to say I didn't get through the photos. 

Then today, James and I were talking babies (of course) 
and I asked if he had seen them...
I didnt even wait for his answer and I started to go through them
and immediately started crying...
and James being James
closed out the pictures
shut the laptop 
and just hugged me


he knew.
I didn't have to say a thing. 

                                                           (Yes, this is me and Bug)