Marimba + PSL= Tears

Theres an Iphone alarm that sounds like marimbas
and out of nowhere my phone (which is deactivated) went off

and immediately I burst into tears...

After coming home from the hospital
there were a slew of pain meds, antibiotics, bathroom breaks and mini walks I had to take
to keep from being in pain and for my over all recovery.
James had an alarm set on his phone for all of these things
and it was to that damn song.

All it takes is a sound, a smell, a noise or a twinge of my scar
to take me back to that awful time.

The change in the seasons hasn't helped either.
This time last year I was 2 months away from
having a baby
or so I thought.

I went to Starbucks a few weeks ago with my husband for a little coffee date
and before I could stop myself
ordered a pumpkin spice latte

One stupid little cup of coffee had me in tears at the table.

I've come to that point in my grief to where I don't care where I am
I cry
I get it out
I give no fucks if you are to judge me for being sad
You don't know my story or where I came from.
I will fully own my ugly Oprah cry
snot, tears, make up running and all.

We need never be ashamed of our tears.

Charles Dickens

10 Months

43 weeks

304 days

7296 hours

437760 minutes

26,265,600 seconds 

As I've said before 

it feels as if it just happened yesterday. 

Other people are hitting mile stones with their babies

and it just stings...

I live in a military town 

and there are pregnant people everywhere. 

3 or more people in James division are pregnant

and someone else just had twins...

I should be planning his first Halloween costume.

Maybe making it match with the dogs or James and I 

We would be planning our first trip to the pumpkin patch. 

And it sucks

because we aren't.

These are just a handful of the things that I think about on a daily basis....

that just seem to be exaggerated on the 14th of every month...

Its not going to get easier

The upcoming months are going to be worse...

I just dont know how Im going to handle it. 

Baby Shower

A year ago was my baby shower
I remember my sister having pretty much everything done before I moved home
and her being so thrilled to throw it for me.
I remember excitedly making the shower invites with my Meatball

I remember telling everyone that our Bug was a boy.

I remember all of my closest friends and family being there
sharing in the excitement of what was supposed to be
never thinking that in two months
everything would change...

I still hadn't wrapped my head around the whole
you are about to have a baby
thing.

I know that I cant ever put myself through another baby shower.
I have turned down every invite since, and honestly people can't blame me.

It really sucks that I still have a room full of all his things
that will never be used....

What is that?

For the first time yesterday, 

I met someone who didn't know what a stillborn was. 

I had even explained, I lost my son at 38 weeks, which I thought was pretty self explanatory, but I guess it wasn't. 

I knew what a stillborn was at the age of 18 from working at a vet clinic. 

Pregnant cat and dogs that have puppies or kittens that dont make it are also called still borns, however ultrasounds aren't done so you can't usually tell till they are born. 

I can honestly say I was never told my entire pregnancy to look out for anything abnormal. I had a completely normal pregnancy minus the excessive vomiting, so no one was overly concerned. 

I know that they discuss miscarriages on a regular basis. 

So when I asked why stillbirth  isnt part of "pregnancy education" it's been said it's not discussed as to not frighten the mother.

I would rather know what to do or look out for then be completely blindsided like I was. 

I think all complications no matter what they are should be discussed.

 

Coco Butter

My hands were dry

and I wanted lotion. 

I didn't even realize what I was reaching for 

until a glob of it was pumped out into my hand 

The smell overwhelmed my nostrils

And the tears took over my eyes and face. 

A glob of lotion put me in that place.

Where I was newly pregnant terrified of getting stretch marks and rubbing that shit on me any chance I got. 

I was so neauseous and every smell got to me but no matter how sick I was I would put that lotion on. 

I slowly started using more and more of it as he grew, making sure every bit of my belly was covered....

just as I did that morning....

The last morning I used that lotion.

That smell used to make me happy. 

But now I feel as if my skin is burning and want nothing more then to shower and get it off of me. 

9 months

9 months 
38 weeks 
272 days 
6528 hours
391,680 minutes 
23,500,800 seconds 

since
I was told 
I lost my son.
When the 13th lands on a Wednesday 

I think it's the hardest. 

Knowing that the 14th is on a Thursday just kills me. 

I for the life of me yesterday 

could not get my shit together. 

I was crying over every little thing. 

Had a panic attack while driving so bad I had to pull over on the side of the road. 

The weather was just like that day. 

I had a knot in my stomach which in turn made me sick 

Like I was that day. 

And to top it all off he's been gone 9 months 

exactly 38 weeks. 

9,38,14 are all bad numbers to me now. 

In the time that's hes been gone

is exactly the time I actually had him.

I still don't think that I will ever be ok with the reality that I am a childless mother.             

Bugs Star

A star package from the international star registry was given to us in honor of Bug a few months back. 

We still don't know who donated it but we love it none the less. 

A friend of mine went with me to get it framed and I've had it, nicely wrapped, in the spare bedroom since. 

I didn't know how I would feel about it finally having it hung and displayed in the house, but James finally put it up on Sunday. 

I can't say the feeling that came over me once it was hung was closure 

I don't think I will ever have that 

but maybe that of acceptance? 

Of course it was tearful.  

My heart felt heavy. 

I would much rather be hanging up his pictures, not a memorial star. 

But it's there, right when you come in the house 

for everyone to see

and it feels like we have a little piece of him there with us always 

🐛⭐️💔

Closure...or lack there of

When someone dies in crime dramas, it seems as thought all avenues are investigated and looked into. 

Crime scenes are meticulously combed over for evidence and most of the time, families are given answers as to what happened.

Someone is charged and the families get some kind of closure. 

When Bug died there was none of that. 

A full panel of blood was run on us both and an autopsy was performed on him. 

And we still have no answers. 

I am continuously told not to blame myself. 

But how can I not. It was my job to keep himsafe. 

I think what hurts the most with child loss and especially still borns is the fact that we don't get answers. Yes there are some cases where there were genetic diseases or chord accidents but again, that wasn't our situation. 

I'm just tired of constantly asking myself why. 

Feelings...all up in them

I was all up in my feelings the past two days. 

I think it was a combination of the cool weather feeling like fall,

the smell of my vanilla cupcake candles, 

and it almost feeling like I was about to have a baby... 

I know I'm not, but it's those tiny things that can take you back to that one place. When everything was ok. 

Or so we thought. 

8 Months

34 weeks

242 days 

5808 hours 

348,480 minutes 

20,908,800 seconds. 

All that time and seriously, it feels like it happened yesterday. 

A year ago we had just found out what he was, and I was getting ready to move back home. 

We excitedly walked around babies r us and did our registry and I was happily eating all the cheeseburgers I could put in my face. 

I still can't eat one without getting teary eyed... 

So True (::GRAPHIC PHOTO & CONTROVERSIAL POST::)

It's another one of those "things" that people say when they think it is comforting and, it again, is most hurtful. 

I am not a religious person in the slightest. 

Never was and never will be. 

I did not find any comfort in prayers or religion during my loss.

There was and is no amount of praying in the world that will bring my son back. 

However, I was polite and gracious to the people that did find comfort in that way and prayed over James Bug and myself.  

There is a great scene in the Return to Zero movie that says everything I feel when people would pull the God card on me. 

Annie: I saw you across the room and I was moved to say something. What happened doesn't make sense, not to us. God's will is impossible for us to understand, but he wants you to know he loves you and your son.

I pray that you realize that God has a light for each of us to follow, to find our way to his plan, a plan which is perfect in every single way. 

Maggie: (sarcastically) Tell me more about this perfect plan.

Annie: It's a mystery.

Maggie: It IS a mystery.

Annie: It is, but it is perfect, you must have faith in that.

Maggie: So you're telling me, Gods perfect plan,for me, is to suffer a loss so great, so devastating. that I would loose my faith in God, is that right?! Because that is a mystery!

I have come to the point where people say things like that and I, like Maggie, bite back.

I can't help it. 

I know I shouldn't. 

But in all honesty, if no ones says anything, the stigma, taboo and keeping such a topic as this "hush hush" will never change.

Nor will people change how to treat the parents after such a loss.

I have spoken to other bereaved mothers who, like I, did not find comfort in things like that being said.

But honestly, there is no energy left to fight the things being said when your loss is so fresh. 

All you can is thank you.

And thats what I did...and still say. 

Please let us mourn, grieve and come to some kind of understanding on our own. 

Do what you need to do to cope. 

But please don't force your thoughts, feelings and beliefs on me. 

A Festive Fourth

James and I walked the parade with my work today and handed out frisbees. ( I don't think it helped that I saw every pregnant lady known to man sitting with her family or newborn) 

We then went out to lunch with everyone from the parade and then to a friends BBQ. It all made for a great day and I rather enjoyed myself, 

But in the back of my mind was the thought Bug should be here. 

He probly would've loved the parade and all the dogs. We would've put him in a wagon or a stroller and pushed him along  with us and blinged it all out. 

He would've been at the BBQ with all the other people and their kids.

We wouldn't be that weird couple with no children. 

I would've loved to have seen what his reactions to fireworks would be at 8 months old. 

Wether he would be completely terrified or mesmerized by the bright lights colors and sounds. 

But again, it's not my reality. 

Holidays just leave an awful feeling and bitter taste. 

The hardest holidays have yet to come...

Settled Dust

Reaching for my water bottle to get a drink, 

My hand brushed over Bugs urn 

And there was a little dust on it 

So naturally 

I cleaned it off, then lost my shit. 

My son shouldn't be in a box.

My son should not be collecting dust. 

It's a never ending cycle of kicking up settled dust. 

Literally and now figuratively. 

I miss her

(song starts at :49 seconds)


Alot of people have reached out to me and said
I miss you
and in all honesty I want to reply with
I miss me too...but Im still here.
Barely.

I almost find it easier to explain things in music/song.
Jessie J has a way with words that just is unreal.
I know that I have been distant
but Im sorry
my life
and I
will never be the same

Are there days that I still feel that Ill loose myself in all of this....
I dont even think I need to answer that.

You will always be his dad.

Dear James , 

I know that this is not how you imagined what was supposed to be your first Father's Day. Last year at this time, we were pregnant, and anxiously awaiting his arrival and all of our firsts. 

I, more then anyone, wish this day was different for you. But know that when we finally have a baby, you will be one hell of a dad. 

Da bitches and I are thankful for everything you do. 

I love you and you will always be Bug's dad. 

🐛💔⭐️

7 Months/Fathers Day

   7 months 

30 weeks 

212 days 

5088 hours 

305,280 minutes 

18,316,800 seconds 

Things aren't getting any easier 
some days it feels like it was just yesterday 
I cant shake the feeling that something still isnt right. 

The little things still get me 
the fact that we were going to get Bug
a little swimming pool to wade in 
and instead we got one for the dogs

The fact that tomorrow is Fathers Day 
and last year on this day 
we were anxiously awaiting our little boy
and looking forward to whatever Bug and I 
decided to do for James. 

And I wanted to buy them matching bow ties. 

Theres just the daily painful reminder that we don't have our son. 
Thanks....

Bug's Box Part 2

His box came way faster then I thought it would 

I was hoping I would have some time to process it 

Luckily a friend was over and I was off to get my nails done so I didn't have to be there 

But then I thought how selfish of me 

Poor James is home alone putting together the box for his things...

But on the other side of things maybe James needed this time for reflection and a sense of closure. After all it was his job to find the box and put it together which I never thought would happen so soon...but it did...

Later that night when we went to bed 

I walked into our bedroom to see his little toy chest all put together. 

It perfectly matches our bedroom and his nursery. We just have to make the plaque 

And then it's done.....

For now...

Bug's Box

James was in charge of getting a chest of some kind for Bug's things that we wanted to keep

his memory box 

his pictures

his clothes and bedding.

He came to me this morning saying he had just purchased this chest

and it was weird. 

Things are starting to really be final.

He is really gone.

After all this time of saying I would never put him and his things in a box

we will. 

The chest will be in our room 

and hes getting a little gold plaque 

with his name and such on it

but it just hadn't been brought up in so long

I just never thought it would happen...

Things Happen

I was told again 

"Things happen for a reason"


Things dont happen for a reason
and if Im told that again
I am totally going to go off on someone about it.

I had a dream that I went off on someone 
who again told me stupid shit about Bug 
and damn it felt great
and the times that I had held my tongue 
is getting too much.

Things happen for a reason...
ugh....

Six Months

25 weeks

181 days

4344 hours

260,640 minutes

15,638,400 seconds 

and not a second goes by that I dont think about my Bug. 

This was an extremely painful month with Mothers Day and other friends announcing pregnancies 

and to think that I was supposed to have a now 6 month old baby boy. 

I know its repetitive and probably tiresome to hear

but its the truth. 

There isnt a moment that goes by that you dont think about the child that you just lost.

It is getting easier: a little

I have more things distracting me on a day to day basis.

But once I get home for work 

there is nothing but time alone

to think.

and want

and wish....