Closure...or lack there of

When someone dies in crime dramas, it seems as thought all avenues are investigated and looked into. 

Crime scenes are meticulously combed over for evidence and most of the time, families are given answers as to what happened.

Someone is charged and the families get some kind of closure. 

When Bug died there was none of that. 

A full panel of blood was run on us both and an autopsy was performed on him. 

And we still have no answers. 

I am continuously told not to blame myself. 

But how can I not. It was my job to keep himsafe. 

I think what hurts the most with child loss and especially still borns is the fact that we don't get answers. Yes there are some cases where there were genetic diseases or chord accidents but again, that wasn't our situation. 

I'm just tired of constantly asking myself why. 

Feelings...all up in them

I was all up in my feelings the past two days. 

I think it was a combination of the cool weather feeling like fall,

the smell of my vanilla cupcake candles, 

and it almost feeling like I was about to have a baby... 

I know I'm not, but it's those tiny things that can take you back to that one place. When everything was ok. 

Or so we thought. 

8 Months

34 weeks

242 days 

5808 hours 

348,480 minutes 

20,908,800 seconds. 

All that time and seriously, it feels like it happened yesterday. 

A year ago we had just found out what he was, and I was getting ready to move back home. 

We excitedly walked around babies r us and did our registry and I was happily eating all the cheeseburgers I could put in my face. 

I still can't eat one without getting teary eyed... 

So True (::GRAPHIC PHOTO & CONTROVERSIAL POST::)

It's another one of those "things" that people say when they think it is comforting and, it again, is most hurtful. 

I am not a religious person in the slightest. 

Never was and never will be. 

I did not find any comfort in prayers or religion during my loss.

There was and is no amount of praying in the world that will bring my son back. 

However, I was polite and gracious to the people that did find comfort in that way and prayed over James Bug and myself.  

There is a great scene in the Return to Zero movie that says everything I feel when people would pull the God card on me. 

Annie: I saw you across the room and I was moved to say something. What happened doesn't make sense, not to us. God's will is impossible for us to understand, but he wants you to know he loves you and your son.

I pray that you realize that God has a light for each of us to follow, to find our way to his plan, a plan which is perfect in every single way. 

Maggie: (sarcastically) Tell me more about this perfect plan.

Annie: It's a mystery.

Maggie: It IS a mystery.

Annie: It is, but it is perfect, you must have faith in that.

Maggie: So you're telling me, Gods perfect plan,for me, is to suffer a loss so great, so devastating. that I would loose my faith in God, is that right?! Because that is a mystery!

I have come to the point where people say things like that and I, like Maggie, bite back.

I can't help it. 

I know I shouldn't. 

But in all honesty, if no ones says anything, the stigma, taboo and keeping such a topic as this "hush hush" will never change.

Nor will people change how to treat the parents after such a loss.

I have spoken to other bereaved mothers who, like I, did not find comfort in things like that being said.

But honestly, there is no energy left to fight the things being said when your loss is so fresh. 

All you can is thank you.

And thats what I did...and still say. 

Please let us mourn, grieve and come to some kind of understanding on our own. 

Do what you need to do to cope. 

But please don't force your thoughts, feelings and beliefs on me. 

A Festive Fourth

James and I walked the parade with my work today and handed out frisbees. ( I don't think it helped that I saw every pregnant lady known to man sitting with her family or newborn) 

We then went out to lunch with everyone from the parade and then to a friends BBQ. It all made for a great day and I rather enjoyed myself, 

But in the back of my mind was the thought Bug should be here. 

He probly would've loved the parade and all the dogs. We would've put him in a wagon or a stroller and pushed him along  with us and blinged it all out. 

He would've been at the BBQ with all the other people and their kids.

We wouldn't be that weird couple with no children. 

I would've loved to have seen what his reactions to fireworks would be at 8 months old. 

Wether he would be completely terrified or mesmerized by the bright lights colors and sounds. 

But again, it's not my reality. 

Holidays just leave an awful feeling and bitter taste. 

The hardest holidays have yet to come...

Settled Dust

Reaching for my water bottle to get a drink, 

My hand brushed over Bugs urn 

And there was a little dust on it 

So naturally 

I cleaned it off, then lost my shit. 

My son shouldn't be in a box.

My son should not be collecting dust. 

It's a never ending cycle of kicking up settled dust. 

Literally and now figuratively. 

I miss her

(song starts at :49 seconds)


Alot of people have reached out to me and said
I miss you
and in all honesty I want to reply with
I miss me too...but Im still here.
Barely.

I almost find it easier to explain things in music/song.
Jessie J has a way with words that just is unreal.
I know that I have been distant
but Im sorry
my life
and I
will never be the same

Are there days that I still feel that Ill loose myself in all of this....
I dont even think I need to answer that.

You will always be his dad.

Dear James , 

I know that this is not how you imagined what was supposed to be your first Father's Day. Last year at this time, we were pregnant, and anxiously awaiting his arrival and all of our firsts. 

I, more then anyone, wish this day was different for you. But know that when we finally have a baby, you will be one hell of a dad. 

Da bitches and I are thankful for everything you do. 

I love you and you will always be Bug's dad. 

🐛💔⭐️

7 Months/Fathers Day

   7 months 

30 weeks 

212 days 

5088 hours 

305,280 minutes 

18,316,800 seconds 

Things aren't getting any easier 
some days it feels like it was just yesterday 
I cant shake the feeling that something still isnt right. 

The little things still get me 
the fact that we were going to get Bug
a little swimming pool to wade in 
and instead we got one for the dogs

The fact that tomorrow is Fathers Day 
and last year on this day 
we were anxiously awaiting our little boy
and looking forward to whatever Bug and I 
decided to do for James. 

And I wanted to buy them matching bow ties. 

Theres just the daily painful reminder that we don't have our son. 
Thanks....

Bug's Box Part 2

His box came way faster then I thought it would 

I was hoping I would have some time to process it 

Luckily a friend was over and I was off to get my nails done so I didn't have to be there 

But then I thought how selfish of me 

Poor James is home alone putting together the box for his things...

But on the other side of things maybe James needed this time for reflection and a sense of closure. After all it was his job to find the box and put it together which I never thought would happen so soon...but it did...

Later that night when we went to bed 

I walked into our bedroom to see his little toy chest all put together. 

It perfectly matches our bedroom and his nursery. We just have to make the plaque 

And then it's done.....

For now...

Bug's Box

James was in charge of getting a chest of some kind for Bug's things that we wanted to keep

his memory box 

his pictures

his clothes and bedding.

He came to me this morning saying he had just purchased this chest

and it was weird. 

Things are starting to really be final.

He is really gone.

After all this time of saying I would never put him and his things in a box

we will. 

The chest will be in our room 

and hes getting a little gold plaque 

with his name and such on it

but it just hadn't been brought up in so long

I just never thought it would happen...

Things Happen

I was told again 

"Things happen for a reason"


Things dont happen for a reason
and if Im told that again
I am totally going to go off on someone about it.

I had a dream that I went off on someone 
who again told me stupid shit about Bug 
and damn it felt great
and the times that I had held my tongue 
is getting too much.

Things happen for a reason...
ugh....

Six Months

25 weeks

181 days

4344 hours

260,640 minutes

15,638,400 seconds 

and not a second goes by that I dont think about my Bug. 

This was an extremely painful month with Mothers Day and other friends announcing pregnancies 

and to think that I was supposed to have a now 6 month old baby boy. 

I know its repetitive and probably tiresome to hear

but its the truth. 

There isnt a moment that goes by that you dont think about the child that you just lost.

It is getting easier: a little

I have more things distracting me on a day to day basis.

But once I get home for work 

there is nothing but time alone

to think.

and want

and wish....

Mothers Day

The day is here and it stings 

like I knew it would. 

James would've bought some cheesy card and flowers and say it was from Bug. 

And of course I would've loved it.

Knowing him he probly woulda made me breakfast in bed and let me sleep in while he took care of the dogs and baby. 

But I'm alone today with the dogs, having just dropped off James to go to California for schooling. 

Ain't that the icing on the cake. 

Slacking

I realize in the past few weeks 
my post have been few and far between. 
Between  full time work and daily life
I find myself super busy.

However I have found a "happy place" in my new job
full of coworkers I like seeing on a day to day basis 
and who understand if I'm just not having it that day.

I had started a new diet in April 
and am rather proud of myself for sticking to it
and loving the results support and changes thus far.

Just because life still goes on
does not mean that I don't think about him
and it doesn't hurt
or make me feel guilty.

There are daily reminders that just 
hit the right spot in your stomach 
where your heart sinks 
and you are holding back tears.

People are still getting pregnant left and right
It still stings when you hear it or see it
but its getting better
Since its not a fresh wound anymore... 

But "it", 
whatever "it" is
is getting "better"

I have to remind myself that I can't take on tomorrow when today isn't even finished yet.

National Bereaved Mothers Day

Who knew there was a day put aside just for us grieving mothers. 

It's not like we don't already think about what should of and could have been. 

It doesn't make it hurt any less...

And I find it rather ironic it's a week before Mother's Day... 

It was just interesting to stumble across today. 

It's been a hell of a day. 

That's for sure. 

Fresh Air

Being gone from our house for a week
and with new candles and such I want to burn
I thought it would be a good idea to air out the house.

I opened all the windows and doors

except his

I hate that I can see the sunlight
coming through the window
poking out underneath his door.
I so badly wish that I could have him on my hip
walking around the house with me and the dogs
cleaning and waiting for daddy to get home....

But Im just sitting here
letting the dogs run in and out of the house
watching Hannibal
and staring at the carpet
where my son should be
having tummy time

Medium Reading

:::::::CONTROVERSIAL POST:::::::

I give you one and one chance only to turn away and not read this.
If you have shit to say, I dont want to hear it.
Each family has a different way of dealing with child loss
and this is what we wanted to do.




James and I saw a medium while we were home in Portland.
I had asked a very close family friend whose son had passed
who she had gone to and called to make an appointment in January.
At the time, the medium said she was booked until June/July.
I said ok Ill take the first available appointment.
10 minutes later her assistant called and said
I know this is a long shot, but we had a cancelation April 23rd, any chance you could make that?

How ironic that we would be home, and we had last year announced we were preggo 2 days before.

Of course I took the appointment and gave her my phone number and first name.
That was it.
And then we waited.

It was a very personal experience and a lot of people came and spoke to us.
Because it was personal the details of the experience Im not going to share,
But a lot of questions were answered, but at the same time if kicked up some
unsettled dust.

She was right on with pretty much everything which was really creepy
but so cool at the same time.

I hope that we can go back to her sometime and see what more information she has for us.

She did say that she felt a girl coming soon....
I kinda sorta really hope that happens soon!

"Need Mothers Day Gift Ideas?!"

No 

No I don't 

I'm not a mom

Just another holiday I won't be participating in this year... 

All the places I registered for like Baby R Us and diapers.com are sending Mother's Day coupons and gift ideas... 

Ouch. 

Not that they know first hand what happened...but fuck...

Thanks for pouring salt on the wound. 

I also am getting sick of hearing about other people and their pregnancies... 

Just spare me the details heart ache and awkward silence. 

I'm not in any place to say congratulations, be happy or excited for them or to care how things are going...

And I'm not good at faking that shit. 

5 months/April 21st

22 weeks
158 days
3792 hours
227,520 minutes
13,651,200 seconds


James and I had a present for you 

Come the end of November our baby was due

We though how cute would it be to let everyone know at midnight on our birthday we would be having a baby... 

We didn't think it would end the way it did. 

We never thought looking forward to our 25th birthday would hurt so much. 

We are supposed to have a 5 month old baby boy, visiting grandma and grandpa in Portland, seeing my sister spoiling him, him having his first Easter basket yesterday and us actually enjoying our birthday. 

Obviously that has not been the case at all...

Birthdays don't still well with me anymore. 

I just hate them. 

Here's to being 25 I guess.