Bank accounts and Buchanans

The week we found out we were pregnant with Bug, after satisfying a chicken nachos craving and puking it up on the floor in home depot, we went to the bank and set him up a savings account.

Over the 9 months we were pregnant with him, money went into that account, as well as after he passed. It just continued growing. 

We honestly just left the account and once we got pregnant again, I kind of forgot about it. 

Until recently. 

It was getting annoying going to this baby account and getting money our just for baby things. 

When I could just budget it into our monies already instead of it going to a different account. 

So I had voiced this to James thinking nothing would come of it.

And then he said he was going to go to the back and stop the allotment and shut the account. 

I freaked and said don't.

I was so not ready for one of the last things I had of him to be gone.....

a bank account

as silly as it is

was made for him

with nothing but love

hopes and dreams

and everything you think is going to happen when you're pregnant and about to have a baby.

We also, soon after finding out we were pregnant, got a bottle of Buchanan's whiskey. 

We had intended on opening it the day he was born for a shot, his 18th birthday, his 21st birthday and pass the bottle on to him on his wedding day. 

But obviously his bottle was never opened.

And ironically we hadn't found it anywhere near us until recently .

So in walks James with this bottle of whiskey and he starts opening it.

We've had a bottle since 2014 but never tasted it. 

I didn't know that opening a bottle of it would be so emotional. 

I ended up finding a special edition bottle for Carter.

But still don't have the heart to open it. 

1 year 11 months

699 days

16,776 hours 

1,006,560 minutes 

60,393,600 seconds 

since I lost my son 

I absolutely hate this time of the year.

Its like its the calm before the storm

and little storms here and there have been popping up

Emotionally, Im able to keep my shit together less and less. 

More outbursts and mean things are being said.

I legit just want to crawl in a cave and die. 

Physically the migraines, nausea, not eating or sleeping

is all coming back worse then it usually is.

Mentally Im trying to prepare myself for the day 

I will be alone.

James is going to be gone. 

I will have Carter 

But I "can't" be sad,

He doesn't understand. 

He has no idea what is going on...

I also hate that I am yet again at that time in the year 

where I should be planning what would have been his second birthday .

But as if I don't already have enough on my plate,

I decided to do the bear drive again this year, 

because that's what I get to do every year to honor and celebrate my son. 

1 Year 10 Months

1 year 10 months
669 days
16061 hours
963694 minutes
57821700 seconds

since I lost my son

The beginning of fall always puts a lump in my throat.
The smells, the pumpkin spice lattes, the sweaters and fall air
all just put me back in September before we lost you.

A year and a few months ago we were painting your nursery.
daddy put your crib together
and I was figuring out how I wanted the room to be.

The other day James looked at the crib and realized it was dusty.
He swiped a little section of it and you could  tell there was a good long bit of build up on it.
But for some strange reason I still couldn't bring myself to dust it.

Although you were never in that room
we still call it Bugs room
there are bits of you everywhere in there still
and there always will be.

Slowly, the longer your brother has been in there
the more and more we take out things that were supposed to be yours.
It is becoming his room, but in the back of my mind and heart
it will always be yours.

Constant Reminders

This past few weeks have been nothing but constant reminders
that you aren't here.

First when going to buy new clothes for your brother
I was looking at all the outfits
and I turn the corner
and there are the little bear jackets
that we cremated you in
almost two years ago

I guess they are one of those things
that wont go out of style
but I so wish it would.

Along with the jacket
were the cute little
big brother little brother shirts
that as cheesy as it sounds
I wish I could dress you and your brother in.

It took everything for me to not lose it in the store....

Fast forward a few days to filling out paperwork
paperwork for daycare.
There is a section that says siblings
and I had to leave it blank.

I should be looking for daycare for both you and your brother.

Then a few days later I was sitting here thinking
do I want to do the Bear for Bug again this year
and I get a message from the founder of Molly Bears 
saying they have begun to use your bears and tags.

There are constant reminds of the fact that you aren't here.
And it really sucks. 

1 year 9 months

638 days

15,312 hours

918,720 minutes

55,123,200 seconds 

since I lost my son  

There isn't a day that I don't think about you
and there is something every day that reminds me of you
I couldn't forget you even if I tried. 

I went shopping to get Carter a new wardrobe
and as I turned the corner in the clothing store
there was the little bear jackets and body suits

Its almost been two years but I guess those little bear jackets are still popular.
All I can say is I'm kind of happy that they don't carry the brown one that you were cremated in
but none the less 
I still cant look at those 
without getting a lump in my throat. 

The other thing that kills me 
is the little brother big brother shirts 
they are everywhere 
and as cheesy as they are
I want nothing more then to dress you and your brother in those shirts

I swear its dejavu

James is gone on DET again, it was a very last minute thing
and out of all places
he went back to Virginia.

We were in the same situation two years ago,
James had sent me home to Oregon since I was so sick
and he stayed back to continue working and took care of the packing
for our cross country move.

Its weird having the late night phonecalls
and him describing where he is and where hes going.
It put me back first to when we were dating,
but also to when I was pregnant with Bug.

It so weird how the littlest things, like a phonecall, can trigger emotions
even two years later.
This trigger just seems to be hitting things harder then normal

Last night was the first time in a long time I had one of "those cries"

the cry with the scalding hot tears that you think, could quite physically burn your cheek, 

the cry where you are unable to catch your breath, and are just gasping and grasping your stomach 

the cry where you wanna scream 

and at the same time curl up in a ball and be invisible.

Every month has its triggers...
Like I said, I didn't expect them to hit me this hard.  

1 year 8 months

86 weeks
607 days
14,568 hours
874,080 minutes
52,444,800 seconds

since I found out I lost my son.
I feel like it was yesterday, I was packing up my life in Virginia to move to Oregon then up to Washington.
I was around 20 weeks at the time, and we had just verified that Bug was a boy.
We had excitedly and foolishly done our baby registry together, aimlessly walking through baby r us, scanning whatever looked interesting, but not buying anything.
We, ironically, didn't want to buy anything because we would soon be moving cross country. Little did we know not buying anything till 35 weeks wouldn't have made a difference.

I now cringe when people have a nursery set up and ready by 20 weeks.

Anyways, I had a writing assignment this week in class that was to write to three different people about the loss of my pet mouse.

I legit had the hardest time starting it off any other way then

It is with the saddest of hearts....

That's how we had started off the announcement we wrote when we lost Bug.

I don't know why, for the first time, I couldn't find any other words to write.

1 Year 7 Months

82 weeks 

577 days

13,848 hours 

830,880 minutes 

49,852,800 seconds

since I found out I lost my son. 

The months go by and sometimes I think having Carter makes the pain worse and better at the same time if that makes sense.

I enjoy every moment that I have with him, but it just stirs up more questions. 

I cant help but look at Carter and wonder if they would have looked and sounded the same. 

Hes so vocal and happy all the time.

If at this age would they have gotten along? 

Bug would have been 1 year 7 months and Carter is now almost 6. 

What would their interactions be like?

Alot of people have actually asked. 

had you had Bug, would you have had Carter?

I don't see why we wouldn't have. 

We both had agreed we wanted two kids. 

Why does it matter how and when they came...

Honestly its none of your business 

OITNB

Man, the opening credits song came on and I lost my shit

Every time the newest season came out I was pregnant. Both with Bug and Carter.

With Bug I was living with my Meatball. I'd watch a few episodes, sleep, eat, wait for her to come home then hang out and have girl time.

And with Carter, My Person was about to leave on deployment, so she came over and binge watched it with me for an entire day.

This time, my son is asleep, snoring in his crib and I'm out in the living room blubbering like an idiot.

Its crazy how all it takes is a song to bring you back to that place....

There's no escaping it.

Today I had a meeting with the Nursing Department at the college to figure out my pre requisites and plan out my courses.
But before they sat down and talked with me, they asked why I no showed my first appointment with them in 2013.
It all came rushing back like it happened yesterday.

I had received a phone call in the hospital and unfortunately we were answering any oak harbor number at that point because it could have been the coroner, funeral home or any other important people we may have needed to speak to.
They were calling to remind me of the meeting later in the week and I had hung up on them.
Not a good look, but honestly, I couldn't think of anything else at that point.
I know everyone didn't know, but deep down inside I thought, how dare you call me, do you have any idea what's going on right now?!

So here I am sitting across the desk from the advisor, and she addresses the elephant in the room.

"So why did you no show in 2013, and now almost 2 years later, you are wanting information, advising and to register again?
Its a very competitive program, and we want to know that our candidates are committed, from the very beginning."

"My son passed away on the 14th of that month, I was recovering from an emergency c section, and trying to cope with everything that had just happened."

"Wow, that's morbid"

Another prime example of people saying the wrong thing at the wrong time, but honestly, at this point, I just brace myself for the words about to come shooting out when I tell people.

Needless to say,
I got through the advising session,
she wished me good luck,
and welcome to the nursing program.

Complaining

I absolutely despise when parents complain about the things their children do, or things they have to do for their children, 

Why is it that my child wakes up at the ass crack of dawn?

Why is my kid always sick?

Why is my life nothing but bottles, laundry, and diaper changes?

Why this, why that?

You don't understand that what you are complaining about, someone else wants so badly.

I wanted to scream at all my friends that would complain about their babies or kids on facebook, but I was not about to call all of them out and say, stop, I want that.

Not even that I want that. 

Its that I should be having that.

I will never sit here and complain about how tired I am, or how awful Carter was last night.

I may personally tell you, but its not something that I will publicly complain about. 

All of us parents understand how hard these times can be. 

But be happy that you get to wake up to a baby at 4am.

I know I am.  

1 year 6 months, "1st" Mothers Day

1 year, 6 months 
78 weeks
546 days
13,104 hours
786,240 minutes
47,174,400 seconds

Since I found out I lost my son.

This week was especially emotional since it was Mother's Day on Sunday.
Many people wished me a happy first mothers day, and honestly, I ignored both my phone and Facebook for the day.

Let's not forget here people, I was pregnant with him the first mothers day, and mourning him the second and now third....

James didn't forget tho, and gave me 3 cards. One from Carter, one from Carter and Bug, and one from him.

The sting of the day was not taken away by the fact that Carter is here. Don't get me wrong, I love Carter beyond words, but this all should have been much much different.

There's a cemetery right by our house, and there is a very noticeable grave with what looks like kids blocks as the headstone. 
One says a,b,c, the other says 1,2,3, and the other says do,re,mi. 

It is very well tended to, there are never dead flowers, deflated balloons or yellow grass. And I can't tell you how many times I've driven past and seen someone there.

On Monday when I drove by, there were mothers day balloons, new flowers and the headstones were shiny and freshly cleaned.

It made me sad to know that there is another mother who had to feel the way I did on Mothers Day, and for years, by the dates on the headstone.

Mothers Day isn't this glorified "let's thank your mother for everything she's done in a day" that Hallmark has made it out to be.
(But I already voiced all of this in my other blog)

I often regret not having a grave for Bug.
I regret not having a place that I can go visit when I need to just get away from everything.
Through many of my stillbirth groups, they said the grave and burial was a much needed closure after the loss of their child.
But Washington is not our home, and I couldn't bear the thought of leaving him here when and if we get orders elsewhere.

So he is safely with us, in our home, at all times,  but not how I ever imagined him to be...

May The 4th

Its always a painful day.
We had decided we were going to decorate Bugs room with a star wars theme waaaay before it became super popular.
Maybe because we decided to decorate it that way I'm noticing it becoming ever more popular over the past year. 
But now it seems everywhere we go there is a star wars themed something or other and I just want to cry.
Sheets, stuffed animals, little boy bikes, light sabers, all just make James and I saw ugh...
But its now a bitter sweet day since we had found out we were pregnant with Carter on May 4th.

Like I've said before I don't believe in irony.
I'm picking up what you're putting down.

Another birthday, another year gone.

My birthday is honestly a sad reminder of how fast time has gone.

At the age of 24 I was announcing my pregnancy with Bug.

At 25 I was mourning the loss of my son and unknowingly was pregnant with my second.

And now at 26 I was both mourning Bug, again as always, and spent my day with Carter.

Birthdays are still a very touchy subject to me.
If you honestly don't understand why, just think about it.
Considering Bug never had a birthday per say, is hard enough, but I will never call November 14th his death day or angelversary like a lot of the members of the stillbirth  community do.
I also still love the saying that being born still is still being born (hence the hashtag I always use #bornstillisstillborn)

I remember being pregnant with Carter, and in a parenting after loss group I'm a part of, people always wanted to announce their pregnancy on a big holiday like their birthday, thanksgiving, Christmas etc, and I would always say please be careful and mindfull of what you are about to do. If something were to happen, that day would never be the same for you ever again.
A few of those ladies went on to have healthy pregnancies and babies, and a few more of them did not

I then recieved personal messages saying, I unfortunately now understand what you meant by what you said, and you weren't just being a bitch. It was funny to the ladies in the group that I didnt announce mt pregnancy let alone his birrh, until 2 weeks after having him. 

With us knowing they were going to take Carter early, we had at one point thought we wanted to announce as soon as we got home from the hospital, which if we had him on the 20th like we were supposed to, would have landed on Christmas.

I immediately said nope were going to wait, for we were totally unaware of all the emotions and feelings we are going to have if we actually had a baby.

So this year, like every year since, I put on the yay, its my birthday face, but inside, my heart is just breaking. 

Here's to 26....

Heart Attack

This song so perfectly describes how love feels. 

I still remember the day I was told he had no heartbeat. 

I legit felt like my heart stopped and it was slowly being ripped out of my chest. 

Its killing me, I swear I never cried so much

Cause I never knew love would hurt thus fucking bad

The worst pain that I ever had. 

The first time I saw you,

I immediately fell in love.

1 year 5 months

73 weeks

516 days 

12,384 hours

743,040 minutes

44,582,400 seconds

since I was told that I had lost my son. 

April is always a bitter sweet month

James and I had announced we were having him on our birthday, 

not knowing that things were going to end so horribly.

This April we also did our annual trip home, and Carters sip and see. 

The morning of which I was a mess

getting on everyone and everything (ask my manfriend and my meatball Im sorry you know I love you both) 

it was honestly the anxiety finally coming up from the depths of wherever I was hiding it.

I was celebrating having had Carter at the same house where I had once celebrated what was supposed to be the upcoming arrival of Bug. 

It was also a flashback of pretty much all the same people at both events, which was weird, 

but in the background I could occasionally hear Carters coos and crying breaking through the chatter. 

Im not gonna lie I had a lump in my throat the entire party,

but like always, I did a damn good job of not totally breaking down and crying. 

National Sibling Day

I love/hate how social media has played a part it recognizing random ass no one knew before holidays, like national sibling day....
I honestly hated today, everyone posting pictures of their siblings like everything was just peachy keen....
And I'm not gonna sit here and act like the relationship with my sister was always a good one....we eventually mended our differences and are closer then ever...but it wasn't always that way....
But none the less I would have loved to have posted pictures of my boys, but again that will never be my reality.

My boys.

Bug's brother Carter.

Carter's brother Bug.

But instead, my heart aches for the fact  that Carter will never know Bug, and vice versa...

We were expecting a baby.....

2 years ago today we found out we were pregnant with Bug.
There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about yesterday and today or you and what should have been. 

I missed the first pregnancy test because my glasses fell off, so I peed in a cup and dunked 6 in, all blue dye tests, and they all came up positive. 

Then the next day we went to the Dr to confirm it and called all our family to tell them the news. 

We were approximately 4 weeks and 2 days. 

I can tell you what I was wearing when the Dr came in and said "Congratulations???!", looking at us with a very judgmental look, then leaving allowing us to talk things over. 

I can tell you exactly how the appointment went when we went in for the confirmatjon of pregnancy ultrasound, my freak out, and the conversation that came afterwards. 

4 weeks later on our birthday we were 8 weeks and announced to everyone else. 

I can tell you exactly how the day went.

I can tell you everything about the day that we lost you. 

It plays over and over in my mind like a broken record, and I can't move the needle. 

It will forever stay stuck on that day. 

We lost you and what we thought our future was going to be. 

We lost a baby, experiences, hopes and dreams. 

We lost our baby. 

We lost our Bug. 

Again James and I will never share pictures of him or his name. 

Its all we have left  our our son for ourselves. 

But everyone will and does know about you. 

They know that we had you for 9 months, 

and that I grew you and loved and will always love you. 

That, we will never keep to ourselves. 

Pot O Gold...

2 years ago I had an incling, and something wasn't right. 9 days later James had said, " I bet you're pregnant" and $100 in pregnancy tests, redvines and Arnold Palmers later it was confirmed.

I remember all of this like it was yesterday.

Its around this time every year the beginning of my flashbacks and deepest sadness happens. I wish more then anything things ended differently.

This day has never been the same. Neither is any other big monumental moment I had with Bug.
Days like these are all I get to look back on.
These are the memories I have with my son.

For the next 9 days I was oblivious to the journey, sickness, joy, sorrow, anxiety and devistating loss I was about to go through.

I just wanted a happy ending.
I just wanted to find my pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.