I am...

I am angry

I am now that lady that doesnt want to see babies
to see pregnant women
or to hear about the baby growing inside you

I had all that
I was preparing for all of it
and then it was gone

I struggled through the nausea
the sleepless the nights
the back pain
the terrible smells
the bloody noses
the peeing every 10 minutes

and now I have nothing to show for it
but 4 tiny stretch marks
so small you wouldnt even notice them unless I pointed them out
a baby nursery with everything he could have ever wanted and needed
now just sitting empty
too painful to touch any of it....

Dear Anonymous

First off, you have terrible grammar.

Secondly, have the balls to say it to my face or identify yourself.  

And thirdly, in the most sincere and kindest way possible,

go fuck yourself 

I don't make you read my blog.

I am writing for me and no one else. 

He was my son

This is my journey 

This is my grieving process.

I don't expect you to understand any of this. 

And, if you're soooooo offended about what I have to say, stay out of my business. 

Sincerely

Marisa

Or, as you so kindly called me, 

self righteous twat. 

Im home

Im pretty sure I have every light on in the house
and all the doors are open
except his
Ive just been pacing
I dont know what to do
or where to go
I cant think of anything to keep myself busy or my mind occupied.

Cannonball

He's leaving...

James leaves for the rest of January for training in Nevada on Friday...
I knew that this was coming but like I've said a million times before
It was all supposed to be different.
I was supposed to be home with a 2 month old
Sending daddy pictures every day as to not miss anything.
A friend from back home was going to come up while James was gone to keep me and Bug company...
Now I'm going to have to find something to pass the time.
I hate being in this house alone.

Such a fitting song....

When Im home at night Im able to hold that little gold box that Bug is in...
I can also look at his photos alone and not have to hide my tears.
When the day comes I put on "the face"
The "Im ok face"
The face that gets me through the day...
And then it starts all over again the next night....

Do you really not get it?

Some people really just need to keep their mouth shut.

You werent there

You dont know what happened

You dont know how we're feeling 

You have absolutely no right to say anything

Ive been nice and quiet about shit for too long and Im really starting to get irritated and am about to tell some people off... 

New Year

I laughed, I smiled and for the first time in a long time I had...fun...
For a moment I was happy.
And then it all came out...
Alot of pent up thoughts and feelings.
Mainly guilt for having fun without Bug being here, but at the end of the day I was surrounded by nothing but love and understanding.
I honestly couldn't have spent the first few moments of the New Year with better people.

Chutes and ladders

Grief is like a terrible game of chutes and ladders.

One day you feel strong enough to climb those first few rungs, to move your game piece forward, then the next day youre tumbling down this terribly long slide, slipping past the point you started from, and moving your piece back to the start. 

Feeling  defeated  you wonder how you will ever feel brave enough to take another turn, put your foot on the bottom step of the ladder again, knowing you will possibly and most likely end up feeling worse then you did before. 

I wake up in a fog, going through the motions of my day wondering what thing will pull the trigger to my emotions this time, what will send me down the chute.

To you it can be the littlest thing, a smell, a song, a color, but to me, it's the one thing that stops me in my tracks, knocks the wind out of my lungs, and opens the valve to the dam that my tears were safely, but only momentarily, tucked behind. 

The game, no matter how many times it's played, is never the same.

It's exactly the same with grief. 

Have yourself a merry little Christmas

There is no tree 

No stockings 

No lights 

Or holiday things of any kind 

It doesn't feel right and I don't know how I could be happy.

I was supposed to have a one month old and not care about Christmas....

I had imagined our first real tree with a "Baby's first Christmas " ornament hung right in front.  

I had imagined Bugs first Santa photos on the fridge. 

I had imagined a baby stocking hanging between mine and James. 

I had imagined him in his santas little helper onsie and reindeer sleeper...

I had imagined baby snuggles while watching It's a wonderful life... 

And now I get none of those things... 

The holidays are so emotionally draining and depressing this year...

Tears

I'm so incredibly tired of crying 

Of feeling sad 

Of feeling weak

I try I hide it from James

I'm sure he's tired of seeing and hearing my cry

The don't stop coming 

They physically burn my cheek and my face is rubbed raw from the continual wiping 

You don't want them to come but the harder you keep from trying to cry the harder you end up sobbing 

I feel crazy 

I talk to him all the time 

Before it made sense 

He could hear me, he would move 

Now I'm just alone in my house talking to myself 

Sitting awake in the dead of night crying trying not to wake James...

I try not to cry in front of everyone...

But I just need to cry sometimes...

I need this

This song is by far the best representation of how I'm feeling after everything has happened.
I am not ignoring any of you
I am not mad at any of you
I just need space and time to deal with all of this.
I don't feel that I should have to explain myself of what I'm doing, everyone deals with this stuff differently. Some people need other people.
Some people need space.
I just don't want to answer all the questions everyone has.
I have no more answers as to why this all happened.
I just don't want to talk about it again and again right now.
In time it will get easier to do so, but that time is not now.

I need this.

One Month

One month 

4 weeks 

30 days

720 hours

43,200 minutes

2,592,000 seconds

There are days where it feels like it happened yesterday. 

Like I was just told for the first time. 

It's like a broken record, playing over and over again. 

I can't help but talk about him. 

I miss him. 

I want to be making memories with him but I can't. 

I was so excited for all of his firsts that were supposed to happen...

I had imagined his first thanksgiving full of football, the dog show and parade. 

I was so excited for him to meet his aunt for her birthday, his first Christmas photos with Santa and midnight kisses on New Years...

I know I can't sit here and dwell on all the coulda woulda shoulda but I can't help it. 

For now I can only look back at the past.

The last 9 months and remember the good times I had with him...

It was supposed to be different....

I went and picked up my sister today.
She came up for what was supposed to be a super fun birthday weekend and meeting Bug...
Of course seeing her made me cry and think of all the things this visit was supposed to be,
her meeting her nephew for the first time,
coming and seeing me and James
and having fun.
It will be somewhat of a healing weekend for her...shes not been able to really process and grieve like everyone else, and she was really involved in my pregnancy, baby shower, and everything Bug...
I just hope I'm able to keep it together for a portion of her stay.
After I started crying I said I was sorry...I didn't want to ruin her birthday and visit.
She said "There is no way you could ruin it. I don't care about my birthday. I'm here for you."

only for you...

Tis the season for giving

If you are planning on donating to a charity this year, please consider the March of Dimes. Now until 2013 they will match donations 100%. 

Many of my friends and family have already donated in memory of Bug and it means the world to my husband and I. 

http://www.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.marchofdimes.com%2F&h=3AQGKKq9s&enc=AZNDE310kTpARTQrosn7Wbg-4pTmffNbLI7Mmryi5_dJRjJ9x1JGarOsiWWg-gc0lOclw26wKoXLUD2b2VjD_XgQcTcTbZXELXYNIFGJqkU-QuWK--f-kcGav0TLkymRDuyqaU0UcCzan0OokkUl5pNe&s=1

Boxes

All I have left of my son is in boxes. 

The drive home from the hospital I had a little memory box on my lap

Leaving the funeral home I had a tiny gold box in my hands

The first time I held my son he was in that tiny gold box. 

A gold box so little you wouldn't even know what to use it for...but my baby is in it.

I for an hour cried and just wanted to hold that box, my baby, our son, but James had quietly taken it away.

It hurts so much to see that box, I cry every time I look at it...

It hurts so much to know that's my baby...

I'm not ready

verb

1. 1.

   prepare (someone or something) for an activity or purpose.

   
   

I'm not ready to make that drive again

To walk through that office

To see their faces 

To be in that room

To talk to the doctor 

I'm not ready for tomorrow...

Shit, I wasn't ready for today...

I'm not ready for the tears I know that are going to come and the emotions I'm going to feel. 

I don't think I'll ever be ready...

I think it's funny 

you don't think you're ever ready to be a parent and you then get 9 months to try and wrap your head around it and finally when you think you're ok 

like a rug it's ripped out from under you...

in a second the air you breathe is gone...

none of these things are you ever ready for...

I know it's coming...but I'll never be ready for it... 

I shouldnt have to say it....

Sometimes not saying anything at all is the best thing...you have no idea how many times Ive heard the wrong things and I just want to scream...I understand everyone goes through loss and grief differently, but please dont tell me how to do it, what I should be feeling or how Im going to feel. Im coping with all of this the best that I can...

Everything hurts

Today is one of those days where every little thing makes me cry. 

I woke up to the today show talking about how a parent should never have to bury their child...that started a whole slew of emotions and feelings and crying...and to top it off the next segment was about baby names...

Stephanie moved all the baby stuff out of the living room before we came home from the hospital and it feels so empty. I was so used to seeing his lamb chair and the pack and play...now it doesn't feel right.

It's my second day home alone since James went back to work and I hate the quiet. 

The funeral home called and that was not a call I was ready for or even expecting...

I honestly don't even know what's happening anymore. 

I don't eat 

I can't sleep 

I just wanna be alone. 

I for the first time let my phone completely shut off for 3 days straight. No phone calls no txts no Facebook no nothing. 

I just want to hibernate and come out when everything is ok again...