There's no escaping it.

Today I had a meeting with the Nursing Department at the college to figure out my pre requisites and plan out my courses.
But before they sat down and talked with me, they asked why I no showed my first appointment with them in 2013.
It all came rushing back like it happened yesterday.

I had received a phone call in the hospital and unfortunately we were answering any oak harbor number at that point because it could have been the coroner, funeral home or any other important people we may have needed to speak to.
They were calling to remind me of the meeting later in the week and I had hung up on them.
Not a good look, but honestly, I couldn't think of anything else at that point.
I know everyone didn't know, but deep down inside I thought, how dare you call me, do you have any idea what's going on right now?!

So here I am sitting across the desk from the advisor, and she addresses the elephant in the room.

"So why did you no show in 2013, and now almost 2 years later, you are wanting information, advising and to register again?
Its a very competitive program, and we want to know that our candidates are committed, from the very beginning."

"My son passed away on the 14th of that month, I was recovering from an emergency c section, and trying to cope with everything that had just happened."

"Wow, that's morbid"

Another prime example of people saying the wrong thing at the wrong time, but honestly, at this point, I just brace myself for the words about to come shooting out when I tell people.

Needless to say,
I got through the advising session,
she wished me good luck,
and welcome to the nursing program.

Complaining

I absolutely despise when parents complain about the things their children do, or things they have to do for their children, 

Why is it that my child wakes up at the ass crack of dawn?

Why is my kid always sick?

Why is my life nothing but bottles, laundry, and diaper changes?

Why this, why that?

You don't understand that what you are complaining about, someone else wants so badly.

I wanted to scream at all my friends that would complain about their babies or kids on facebook, but I was not about to call all of them out and say, stop, I want that.

Not even that I want that. 

Its that I should be having that.

I will never sit here and complain about how tired I am, or how awful Carter was last night.

I may personally tell you, but its not something that I will publicly complain about. 

All of us parents understand how hard these times can be. 

But be happy that you get to wake up to a baby at 4am.

I know I am.  

1 year 6 months, "1st" Mothers Day

1 year, 6 months 
78 weeks
546 days
13,104 hours
786,240 minutes
47,174,400 seconds

Since I found out I lost my son.

This week was especially emotional since it was Mother's Day on Sunday.
Many people wished me a happy first mothers day, and honestly, I ignored both my phone and Facebook for the day.

Let's not forget here people, I was pregnant with him the first mothers day, and mourning him the second and now third....

James didn't forget tho, and gave me 3 cards. One from Carter, one from Carter and Bug, and one from him.

The sting of the day was not taken away by the fact that Carter is here. Don't get me wrong, I love Carter beyond words, but this all should have been much much different.

There's a cemetery right by our house, and there is a very noticeable grave with what looks like kids blocks as the headstone. 
One says a,b,c, the other says 1,2,3, and the other says do,re,mi. 

It is very well tended to, there are never dead flowers, deflated balloons or yellow grass. And I can't tell you how many times I've driven past and seen someone there.

On Monday when I drove by, there were mothers day balloons, new flowers and the headstones were shiny and freshly cleaned.

It made me sad to know that there is another mother who had to feel the way I did on Mothers Day, and for years, by the dates on the headstone.

Mothers Day isn't this glorified "let's thank your mother for everything she's done in a day" that Hallmark has made it out to be.
(But I already voiced all of this in my other blog)

I often regret not having a grave for Bug.
I regret not having a place that I can go visit when I need to just get away from everything.
Through many of my stillbirth groups, they said the grave and burial was a much needed closure after the loss of their child.
But Washington is not our home, and I couldn't bear the thought of leaving him here when and if we get orders elsewhere.

So he is safely with us, in our home, at all times,  but not how I ever imagined him to be...

May The 4th

Its always a painful day.
We had decided we were going to decorate Bugs room with a star wars theme waaaay before it became super popular.
Maybe because we decided to decorate it that way I'm noticing it becoming ever more popular over the past year. 
But now it seems everywhere we go there is a star wars themed something or other and I just want to cry.
Sheets, stuffed animals, little boy bikes, light sabers, all just make James and I saw ugh...
But its now a bitter sweet day since we had found out we were pregnant with Carter on May 4th.

Like I've said before I don't believe in irony.
I'm picking up what you're putting down.

Another birthday, another year gone.

My birthday is honestly a sad reminder of how fast time has gone.

At the age of 24 I was announcing my pregnancy with Bug.

At 25 I was mourning the loss of my son and unknowingly was pregnant with my second.

And now at 26 I was both mourning Bug, again as always, and spent my day with Carter.

Birthdays are still a very touchy subject to me.
If you honestly don't understand why, just think about it.
Considering Bug never had a birthday per say, is hard enough, but I will never call November 14th his death day or angelversary like a lot of the members of the stillbirth  community do.
I also still love the saying that being born still is still being born (hence the hashtag I always use #bornstillisstillborn)

I remember being pregnant with Carter, and in a parenting after loss group I'm a part of, people always wanted to announce their pregnancy on a big holiday like their birthday, thanksgiving, Christmas etc, and I would always say please be careful and mindfull of what you are about to do. If something were to happen, that day would never be the same for you ever again.
A few of those ladies went on to have healthy pregnancies and babies, and a few more of them did not

I then recieved personal messages saying, I unfortunately now understand what you meant by what you said, and you weren't just being a bitch. It was funny to the ladies in the group that I didnt announce mt pregnancy let alone his birrh, until 2 weeks after having him. 

With us knowing they were going to take Carter early, we had at one point thought we wanted to announce as soon as we got home from the hospital, which if we had him on the 20th like we were supposed to, would have landed on Christmas.

I immediately said nope were going to wait, for we were totally unaware of all the emotions and feelings we are going to have if we actually had a baby.

So this year, like every year since, I put on the yay, its my birthday face, but inside, my heart is just breaking. 

Here's to 26....

Heart Attack

This song so perfectly describes how love feels. 

I still remember the day I was told he had no heartbeat. 

I legit felt like my heart stopped and it was slowly being ripped out of my chest. 

Its killing me, I swear I never cried so much

Cause I never knew love would hurt thus fucking bad

The worst pain that I ever had. 

The first time I saw you,

I immediately fell in love.

1 year 5 months

73 weeks

516 days 

12,384 hours

743,040 minutes

44,582,400 seconds

since I was told that I had lost my son. 

April is always a bitter sweet month

James and I had announced we were having him on our birthday, 

not knowing that things were going to end so horribly.

This April we also did our annual trip home, and Carters sip and see. 

The morning of which I was a mess

getting on everyone and everything (ask my manfriend and my meatball Im sorry you know I love you both) 

it was honestly the anxiety finally coming up from the depths of wherever I was hiding it.

I was celebrating having had Carter at the same house where I had once celebrated what was supposed to be the upcoming arrival of Bug. 

It was also a flashback of pretty much all the same people at both events, which was weird, 

but in the background I could occasionally hear Carters coos and crying breaking through the chatter. 

Im not gonna lie I had a lump in my throat the entire party,

but like always, I did a damn good job of not totally breaking down and crying. 

National Sibling Day

I love/hate how social media has played a part it recognizing random ass no one knew before holidays, like national sibling day....
I honestly hated today, everyone posting pictures of their siblings like everything was just peachy keen....
And I'm not gonna sit here and act like the relationship with my sister was always a good one....we eventually mended our differences and are closer then ever...but it wasn't always that way....
But none the less I would have loved to have posted pictures of my boys, but again that will never be my reality.

My boys.

Bug's brother Carter.

Carter's brother Bug.

But instead, my heart aches for the fact  that Carter will never know Bug, and vice versa...

We were expecting a baby.....

2 years ago today we found out we were pregnant with Bug.
There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about yesterday and today or you and what should have been. 

I missed the first pregnancy test because my glasses fell off, so I peed in a cup and dunked 6 in, all blue dye tests, and they all came up positive. 

Then the next day we went to the Dr to confirm it and called all our family to tell them the news. 

We were approximately 4 weeks and 2 days. 

I can tell you what I was wearing when the Dr came in and said "Congratulations???!", looking at us with a very judgmental look, then leaving allowing us to talk things over. 

I can tell you exactly how the appointment went when we went in for the confirmatjon of pregnancy ultrasound, my freak out, and the conversation that came afterwards. 

4 weeks later on our birthday we were 8 weeks and announced to everyone else. 

I can tell you exactly how the day went.

I can tell you everything about the day that we lost you. 

It plays over and over in my mind like a broken record, and I can't move the needle. 

It will forever stay stuck on that day. 

We lost you and what we thought our future was going to be. 

We lost a baby, experiences, hopes and dreams. 

We lost our baby. 

We lost our Bug. 

Again James and I will never share pictures of him or his name. 

Its all we have left  our our son for ourselves. 

But everyone will and does know about you. 

They know that we had you for 9 months, 

and that I grew you and loved and will always love you. 

That, we will never keep to ourselves. 

Pot O Gold...

2 years ago I had an incling, and something wasn't right. 9 days later James had said, " I bet you're pregnant" and $100 in pregnancy tests, redvines and Arnold Palmers later it was confirmed.

I remember all of this like it was yesterday.

Its around this time every year the beginning of my flashbacks and deepest sadness happens. I wish more then anything things ended differently.

This day has never been the same. Neither is any other big monumental moment I had with Bug.
Days like these are all I get to look back on.
These are the memories I have with my son.

For the next 9 days I was oblivious to the journey, sickness, joy, sorrow, anxiety and devistating loss I was about to go through.

I just wanted a happy ending.
I just wanted to find my pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.

1 year 4 months

41,904,000 seconds
698,400 minutes
11,640 hours
485 days
69 weeks 

and 2 days

Since I found out I lost my son.

I would like to say that things are getting easier but that's a lie. 

I find it harder and harder to enjoy Carter with Bug being in the background.

I am both happy and sad on a daily basis. 

Every day is more and more of a roller coaster ride that seems to never end. 

I was asked recently by a close friend how we were going to explain Bug to Carter.

Honestly I hadn't really thought that far just yet

There is a book called  " One that came before you" that explains, in children terms, that there was a baby that passed. 

I have read other blogs were kids as young as 5 understand that they had a brother or sister but that he or she isn't here anymore. 

I guess that we will just have to go with our gut and see how things pan out. 

I don't want to be that family that  acts as thought there was no Bug, and sadly there are families that do that for many reasons.

Either its too painful, highly frowned upon by family, or they feel as thought the baby never lived so it wasn't really a baby. 

How anyone could feel like that is beyond me.

Butterfly Baby

So I just learned that in the child loss community, for those who don't like the term angel baby (for religious, spiritual, personal reasons) call their babies butterfly babies.
How weird/cool/ironic??!!
When I designed Bugs memorial tags from the bear drive, I realized his initials back to back made a butterfly.
I told my friend Soo (after many picky "change this" emails) I had finally settled on that design because it just felt right.

I'm picking up what you're puttin down Bug.
🐛❤😍

Pictures.

Today I went to Walmart to print off Carters newborn photos.
And in the middle of the store the reality of it hit me like a swift punch to my gut.

Carter has over 200 newborn photos.

Bug has 22.

And Bug will only have 22.

Some of which were taken by the nurse at the hospital.
And some taken by me at the funeral home.

Many of you know we had a Molly Bear made for Bug.
James also made me a ring.
Both were used as props at Carter's newborn shoot, and both times they were used, I lost my shit.

So there I was standing standing at walmart with Carter sleeping in his Moby wrap, trying to keep myself from crying as I'm printing off the photos. I probly looked crazy, but I honestly don't care anymore. Like I've said before, grief has the worst timing, and hits you at the most inconvenient places .... 

As I was looking through Carters photos I found myself covering the screen when I came across those photos. They are sacred and I didn't want complete strangers seeing them. 

I like that we kept Bugs photos private and in all honesty I almost want to keep these photos private too. 

Before his photo shoot I looked on Pinterest  for posing ideas. I don't like the overly cheesy poses, because they come across weird in photos.And there is only one time I will be able to capture these specific photos.

I wanted genuine, easy, tastefull poses. 

I found the one where the right hand cradles the baby's head and the left holds his body. 

And I specifically chose that one so my ring would show. 

Bug is "in" a lot of these photos. You just have to look for it. 

I am both happy and sad while looking at these photos. 

They are the only pictures I will ever have of my two boys together. 

Candles and Shirts

Today was Carters sip and see.
I anxiously ran around the house making sure everything was perfect and ready.
I personally, am absolutely terrified if my house smells bad, so I have candles in every room.
Including the nursery.
The candle in there, I bought for you and what was to be your nursery.
For more then a year that candle, like everything else in that room,  just sat there.
I couldn't smell the "soft candle" scent at Yankee candle for the longest time.
I don't know what compelled me to light that candle today.
I honestly never thought that I would use it.
But I did, and I got a little teary eyed.
Its a soft and comforting smell, but in the instant that I lit it, I was thrown back to being pregnant with you.
walking around the streets of Tanasbourne
excitedly buying that candle
putting it in what was to be your nursery
taking the lid off and letting the scent fill the room and hallway
and talking with the lady about doing candle birth announcements.

And then while getting ready for today,
I realized, again without planning it,
that I was wearing the same shirt that I wore at your baby shower...

And now while writing this I realized that both you and your brother had water/ocean themed parties....

I without being aware of everything, realized that you were here...
and in more ways then one, today out of all days, you showed me.


I have to add that I am quite proud of myself for keeping my shit together today...
This entire journey has been an emotional rollercoaster that I would, more then anything, like to get off of, but unfortunately I dont have that choice.

"You've always been a mom"

moth·er 1  (mŭth′ər)

n.

1.

a. A woman who gives birth to a child.

I want to scream when people say that.
Bug made you a mom....yeah ok, sure...

There's a saying that women are mothers when they find out they are pregnant and men are fathers once they hold the baby.

Well in my case that was not true.

The entire pregnancy I cringed whenever people called me mama, and especially after Bug died.

I am not one of those people that called themselves an angel mom, called him an angel baby etc etc etc.
Those are all such weird titles to me.

It was also a title that I had not yet earned or deserved.

There is a side of the baby loss community that is proud they were pregnant and had their baby and are a mother to an angel, but that was never me.

Don't get me wrong, I was happy I was pregnant as awful as the pregnancy was. But having had a dead baby was not a "proud" moment for me.

To each their own I'm not here to judge I'm only telling you how I feel.

I was recently told by someone the lame ass "Everything happens for a reason. Dont get me wrong you were supposed to have Bug, but not here on this earth or in this lifetime. It's unfortunate you lost him but in turn you gave someone up in heaven a baby they couldn't have here on earth... you gave birth to an angel which is the hardest thing anyone could ever do. And there is a reason you had Carter. You will soon find out."
Uh.
Ok.
Really??!!
Gag me.
Shoot me.
Stab me with a spoon repeatedly....

I can now say I'm a mom....but I wanna smack people who say otherwise.

1 Year 3 Months

65 weeks 

457 days

10,968 hours

658,080 minutes 

39,484,800 seconds 

since I found out I lost my son. 

For the rest of my life this day will be painful. 

And for the rest of my life it will, in February, land on Valentines Day. 

Again this year, James and I didn't really do much if anything about it. 

Its not Valentines day to us anymore. 

My friend is in town, and we went off the island to the movies and the mall.

I had just so happened to get my sisters present for helping us out with Carter, and was told his ring had come in. 

I for the longest time didn't want to get a ring for Carter, that was Bugs thing.

Bugs Ring. 

But after much thinking I wanted one for both of my boys. 

I was given Bugs ring as a memorial piece, had we actually had him it would have been my push present. 

James and I went to Kays, designed it, said what we wanted engraved in it, and a few weeks later picked it up. Its a stackable ring so any other ring made like it would just sit right on top or below it and look like one big ring. 

I am often complimented on his ring.

Im not surprised, its a gorgeous ring. 

But only the people that know me know the meaning behind it. 

When I had Carter, our favorite nurse Pat made it a point to let me keep my Bug ring on during my C section. 

It was my way to have him there for all of it.

I for the past year always looked down at my right hand and saw just Bugs ring. There is not a day that I didn't wear it. Even pregnant and a few super swollen days, that ring stayed on my finger. 

But today for the first time, I had both rings on, for just a split second. 

And it took everything for me not to start bawling in the store. 

I managed to keep it together in the store, but as we were walking away I was telling my friend how I legit had a lump in my throat

seeing both those rings on my finger for the first time.

This week is the last week I will only have Bugs...

It was all bitter sweet that it happened today

on the 14th, which is Bugs day,

for his brother Carter. 

But in a way, I think its Bug.

Being ok and involved in the ever changing life that we now live. 

I don't and will never believe or say things happen for a reason...

but I will say I am picking up what hes putting down. 

 

Both my boys.

I went on an impromptu road trip home to Portland for less then 48 hours.
I didn't want to get anything car related for baby until we knew we were going to have him. When James bought the car seat and stroller weeks before baby was due I freaked.
I remember giving the strollers and car seat to a friend to have her sell them for us because I couldn't bare to see them empty lying around my house anymore.

So a few weeks went by, I finally started driving again, and I decided to buy a mirror so I could see how little man was doing during outings.

After Bug passed I had some memorial jewelry made.
One necklace I have is a pretty piece of citrine, his birth stone, with a hand stamped tag that reads "Bug" on it.

I don't know how it ended up hanging from my rear view mirror but it has been there for almost a year, and I can't seem to take it off.

As I was driving down the freeway I had another one of those moments where things should have been different.
I should have two screaming babies in the backseat.

But in a weird way I actually had both the boys in my car.

As I was looking at Carter in the backseat, the light glimmered on Bugs necklace.
I also remember it glimmering when we brought home Carter from the hospital.

Bug has always been there for me in some way or another, but now hes looking out for his baby brother too.

New Baby Smell

A year ago the smell of new baby was nauseating...
and its like my body only remembers last year.
I want to love the smell...
but its like I stop myself.
New diapers, baby lotion, formula, all of it just makes me sick to my stomach
but I smell it every day now.
Before leaving the house now its a ritual, make sure the baby looks presentable and then check yourself for any spit up or whatever else on your person.
I feel as though my house stinks like dirty diapers and spit up, but I've been assured it doesn't.

Its just funny to me when people say the new smell of baby is intoxicating....
I have yet to feel it.

1 year 2 months

60 weeks
426 days
10,224 hours
613,440 minutes
36,806,400 seconds
Since I found out I lost my son.

The past few "14ths" have been very trying for me.
November 14th was the 1 year anniversary.
December 14th I was 8 1/2 months pregnant with Bugs baby brother Beanie aka Carter.
And now January 14th I'm the mother to an almost 3 week old.
I'm a mother.
That was the weirdest thing to type,
let alone say.
The emotions I've had in the past three weeks I can't put into words, because honestly they have been all over the place. (Thank you pregnancy hormones)

Seeing Carter in some of what were supposed to be Bugs clothes.
Hearing Carter cry when it at one point should have been Bug.
And to be the mother to only one living child when it should be two.

I was so kindly reminded that
"Well at least you only had one baby, could you imagine having two?!"

Yes.

Thank you.

I'm fully aware that I only have one child.
I have a daily reminder of that for the last year and especially now.
I should be pulling my hair out chasing after a one year old and having a newborn.
I should have two adorable baby boys.
Two mini James.
Two grandchildren for my parents.
Two nephews for my sister.
Two...