"Need Mothers Day Gift Ideas?!"

No 

No I don't 

I'm not a mom

Just another holiday I won't be participating in this year... 

All the places I registered for like Baby R Us and diapers.com are sending Mother's Day coupons and gift ideas... 

Ouch. 

Not that they know first hand what happened...but fuck...

Thanks for pouring salt on the wound. 

I also am getting sick of hearing about other people and their pregnancies... 

Just spare me the details heart ache and awkward silence. 

I'm not in any place to say congratulations, be happy or excited for them or to care how things are going...

And I'm not good at faking that shit. 

5 months/April 21st

22 weeks
158 days
3792 hours
227,520 minutes
13,651,200 seconds


James and I had a present for you 

Come the end of November our baby was due

We though how cute would it be to let everyone know at midnight on our birthday we would be having a baby... 

We didn't think it would end the way it did. 

We never thought looking forward to our 25th birthday would hurt so much. 

We are supposed to have a 5 month old baby boy, visiting grandma and grandpa in Portland, seeing my sister spoiling him, him having his first Easter basket yesterday and us actually enjoying our birthday. 

Obviously that has not been the case at all...

Birthdays don't still well with me anymore. 

I just hate them. 

Here's to being 25 I guess. 

Easter

It took everything for me not to buy 

a cute little three piece suit the other day

or a blue basket to fill full of candy I know James would eat and baby toys for Bug. 

I again won't have the pictures on the frodge of the creepy Easter bunny and my son, or him and James in cheesy matching Easter outfits.  

And it just so happens that two holidays are back to back and I'm not ready of either today being Easter or tomorrow being mine and James birthday.  

I just want it to be Tuesday already. 

I just want the days to not hurt as much 

and to go back to when holidays weren't such a big deal... 

I'm pretty sure that won't ever happen. 

Changing Tables & Hotel Reservations

I walk in an out of public restrooms all the time

Who doesn't 

But the walking in is always the hard part

Because of the changing tables. 

You never think of little things like that 

Until it's shoved in your face time after time

I was in Target the other day
and saw this lady
with her son
changing his diaper
and for the first time it got to me.

James and I got a hotel for our birthday
and its weird
they ask how for your reservation
how many adults
and how many kids
and I didn't even realize I hit 1 kid
till they asked how many beds we needed
or if they would need to accommodate the room for a crib...


UGH...

 

Gummy Bear

A year ago today 

I had the first look at my son. 

At the time I didn't know he was a boy, 

it just looked like a little gummy bear

with a little grey flicker on the screen where his heart beat was. 

I was laughing, James was crying 

and we both had never been happier or more scared in our lives. 

Everyone said that you had the best ultrasound picture they had ever seen.

Daddy made you his screensaver for months, and I just kept staring at you in awe of what was happening in my body. 

Today hurts, just like everyday does, but I will never forget the first time I met you...and how happy we were to finally meet you.

You betta watch yourself.....

I think it is most hurtful
and honestly disgusting
when our own family members
do not understand the pain that we are going through
and think that at this point in time we should
"be over it already"

Its been 5 fucking months
give me a break....

talk badly about me
fine do it
Im a big girl
Im used to it at this point

But you are asking for shit
when you come at my husband
or you say things about me
that are outright lies.

I hope to god
you are never in this situation
having to feel
how we feel every day.

I am enough of a woman to respect my husbands wishes
and not confront you myself
but if I am ever in a room alone with you
you bet your ass
I will tell you everything Ive been holding in for all this time.

My Girls

The dogs do this really weird thing with their toys and its starting to creep me out.
When we first made Bugs room they would come in
sniff around
sit on the baby chair
and just walk around being all
why are mom and dad spending so much time in here?

After everything happened,
they still run around but realize they haven't been in that room a long time.
Now they run around like mad
but throughout the day, stack all their dog toys next to Bugs door.
Not in the hallway
but literally, right in front of Bugs door...
touching it...

Last week I couldn't find Phoebe for an hour
thinking
oh maybe she went and laid down in her kennel.
Nope she was perched
as if on watch
in front of Bugs door....


This morning I caught Baby Chi
throwing her duck at the door
as if playing fetch with it.
They don't do this to any other door in the house
and we keep all the doors closed.

I don't think of myself as one of those crazy pet owners
but seriously
will all this happening
I think they since his absence/presence...
its just really weird...

Another one of "those" days

Its another one of those days...
where I cant get away from babies
the talk of babies
the seeing of babies
or anything babies
and
I
want
to
scream.

Most days Im "ok" and am able to control it...but today is just not one of those days....

Not only have there been multiple break downs today at the house
there was one at the Nex
another on the way home
and another as I am sitting here writing this...

I just dont fucking get it anymore
I really dont.
And trying to understand it or explain it
is another battle I dont even want to try to fight anymore.

Doppler

At my new job I get to monitor patients under anesthesia.
hook them up to oxygen, get the fluids started,
prep the surgery site,
make sure they are warm and breathing

and make sure their heart is still beating.

It rather ironic that I remember to hook up everything else
but I can never remember to put the gel and the doppler on their paw.
I dont know if its because I dont want to hear the heartbeat
or I'm scared that I'm not going to find it.

But no matter if I go through the steps in my head
or read through the steps written down in my little note book
I never remember to put that on...

Its also really weird that it somewhat painful to do pregnancy rads.
In animals the heads/bone structures are counted to see how many puppies are in the litter.
There was a lab that came in earlier this week that we did them on
and I walked by radiology and saw the photos up.

Its weird that I know puppies and kittens can be stillborn
there have been many times I've seen them born so,
but you don't stop to think that babies could be.
And especially yours.

April Fools

I'm glad no one made a stupid posting or comment today about being pregnant.
It also probably helps that I have no one on my Facebook news feed anymore.

No jokes were played on me today
and honestly I don't think they really would have gone over well.

I honestly don't understand what is so great about April Fools.
I don't ever remember pulling jokes on people or making a big deal about it.

It's the beginning of another month. 

And another month for me to count down to the 14th and be sad about that day all over again... 

Not so funny April Fools....

Please think before you post! 

Bugs Star!

A couple of weeks ago I took Bugs star certificate and coordinates to get framed and I got the call that it was done and ready! It turned out perfectly! Thank you for helping me out Adine! 

Mountain Climber

Got up
Worked out
Showered
Got dressed

for a working interview

Did I imagine that I would be working right now in my life
No
Not at all
I should be at home
with my 4 month old son
freaking out about the fact he just rolled over

Do I get anxiety about putting on the face
and making sure Im "normal" today

You fucking bet I do...

But it takes every fiber of my being to normal
on a day to day basis.
And it is beyond mentally and emotionally draining.
Because no one wants to hang out with the girl who is always sad....

Getting out of my bed is the first task of the day to actually get through
that one thing
that seems so little to everyone else
is a monumental moment in my day

And leaving the house is another
and putting on todays face
is another...

I am not making a mountain out of a molehill here people...
Until you've been here you cant say shit...

So today I am a mountainclimber...
Ive climbed 3 mountains so far today...
and its not even 8:30.

Congratulations?

WE ARE NOT PREGNANT OMG....CALM YOURSELVES! 


We went to the urgent care to verify the fact that we were pregnant.
We walked in, and it was nerve wracking actually being told we were pregnant.

Of course I walked in there and didn't have to pee.
Finally they got the sample
and then the wait happened all over again.

I don't know if it was actually hearing from a medical professional that we were indeed expecting.
Or the fact that it was I was still in denial and wasn't ready for all that was about to come.

I can tell you everything about that moment.
The outfit I was wearing
The things I started crying over
and her face when she said
"You are pregnant.....congratulations?"

I was somewhat offended
But at the same time its kind of how I felt too.
Yes I know were this young couple
James looking like he just rolled out of bed
and me with this bright red hair and scratched eye
We looked a hot damn mess
But we were ready
and started to wrap our head around the idea.

Of course as soon as she confirmed it
 I looked over at James
 and he was beaming
I had honestly never seen him happier.

"You at this point are about 4 weeks along and due around thanksgiving"

It was real
There was an ETA for little Buchanan
This was actually happening.

I haven't been able to wear that outfit
weird I know...
but today was the first time I pulled it out...
and almost wore it.

Baby, were having a baby....

A year ago today we found out we were pregnant.
I peed on that stick and my heart dropped to my stomach.
Both lines were blue and I didnt believe it
So I took another 4 tests...
The digital tests said
"PREGNANT"
the pink ones had two lines
and James was so excited....

We screamed we cried and we knew from this moment onward our lives would change for the better.

A year ago today a journey started that we thought would end differently
9 months of being sick
buying maternity clothes
baby things
preparing a nursery
having him
and bringing him home
but it didn't happen like that....

A year ago we were looking forward to this day to tell him
"This was the day we knew you were a reality"

A year ago we imagined things to go so differently today...
We had never imagined it like this...

That whole day was a blur of emotions.
Me thinking my life was over
James being so excited he had planted his seed.
We were 4 weeks when we found out.

James had been calling it all week,
"You haven't had your period, I bet you're pregnant"

We had gone out to run errands and James made us stop at the drug store to get tests.
It literally was like the scene from knocked up.
We bought every test known to man
this one said know 5 days sooner, this one said 6.
I was oblivious to it all.
I just wanted red vines...

At this point my period was two days late and I thought there was still a chance that it would come...
man was I wrong.\

The test came up positive and I yelled or did something for James who was playing video games.
When he saw the test he had the biggest grin on his face and said
by far
the cutest thing ever
Baby, were having a baby!!"

A year ago today we started what should have been the most exciting experience of our lives.
And it was...
Until November 14th....

Selfishness

I am realizing I am somewhat selfish in my journey of grief and mourning my Bug.

I often forget my parents lost their first grandson. 

Their dreams of seeing me as a mom shattered as much as mine did that day. 

My grandparents lost their first great grandbaby. 

My sister lost her first nephew. 

She was so excited to have a nephew to spoil and be involved with...and for a while that day she thought she he was here.

My friends lost whatever part of Bug they were attached to. 

They saw me through my journey starting with the terrible pregnancy, my baby shower, my excitement and fears...

I know that I need to share him in all of this but its so hard with him being my son
I carried him
I grew him
I was with him day in and day out for the 9 months (-10 days) we had him....

I know there are other people involved in this journey
but at times I just want it to be mine...

Look at me now

"Look at where you're at now"

No.

I don't want to. 

It fucking hurts.

I should have a baby. 

"Everything happens for a reason" 

Oh do please tell me the reason my baby died...

"God has a plan for everything" 

Oh really...?! Ha...that's the biggest lie I've heard. 

The verbal vomit that comes from people even 4 months after is astonishing to me... 

Please please please think about what you say before you say it. If you have to think that hard about it, it's best you say nothing. 

I'm done being polite about it.

Just think, if YOU were in THIS situation, 

what would you want people to say to you...

Sweet Dreams

Such a fitting song...and so chilling when done slow...

This is not the cha cha

These sleepless nights are tourture. 

My mind is racing with a million thoughts

My heart is going through a million emotions 

And my eyes crying it's fair share of tears...

There are days where I feel like I'm actually getting "better" as if I could tell you what "better" is

and then nights like these make me feel like I'm taking so many steps back. 

There's a saying 

Well this,my friends, is a terrible terrible dance that feels like it's never going to end...

St. Patricks Day

Last year on this day was the first time I knew something was up... 

I had gone out with a friend for the days festivities and honestly just wasn't feeling it. 

I didn't feel like drinking but did but never got a buzz. I was so incredibly tired after only being out for the afternoon that I couldn't even make it to the bar hopping round and dancing to come later in the evening. James had duty that day but had luckily gotten off early and was able to come pick me up. 

I remember him asking me if everything was ok and I said I thought so I just wasn't feeling like being out anymore. 

At this point the only symptoms I was having was waking up in the morning tasting like I had sucked on pennies. 

The bloody coppery taste is from the increase of blood supply and hormonal changes in your body for the new baby...but honestly I thought and knew nothing of it being a symptom till later...my boobs never hurt, I never really cramped and this early in the month I hadn't missed my period yet... 

Oh how things were about to change....