How many kids do you have?

I have been dreading that question for the longest time...
The entire time I was pregnant 
I was so excited to say one, a boy! 
and for a second I almost said it...

but then
like clockwork
my breathing got heavy 
my eyes filled with tears 
and I couldn't even get out the words. 

The question came from a new acquaintance 
who only had good intentions in wanting to get to know me
but I think I was just so used to talking to everyone who already knew 

she was understanding
as most people are 
and didn't say anything to push the knife in further

I had always wondered how I would handle that question
whether I say
"I have no kids" or "he passed away"
I still start crying or get emotional

I think its sad to try and pretend it never happened
and I have spoken/interacted with a few grieving mothers who have done just that.

I am learning I have every right to be mad, sad, and whatever emotion I want to feel 
about my son having passed...
as do you 
as a friend
family member
or complete stranger coming across this blog.

There is a first time for everything
and how you handle that first time 
speaks volumes.

I think I did ok...

Sorry

sor•ry (ˈsɒr i, ˈsɔr i) 

adj. -ri•er, -ri•est.

1. feeling regret, compunction, sympathy, pity, etc,

2. regrettable or deplorable; unfortunate

3. sorrowful; grieved.

4. suggestive of grief; melancholy.

5. wretched, poor, or useless.

6. (used interjectionally as a conventional apology)

While at the hospital after it happened

I can not tell you how many times I looked at James and said 

Im sorry

Im so so sorry

I killed Bug 

I killed our boy.

In all reality, I did nothing wrong,

but you can't tell a mother who just lost their baby 

that they grew, named, carried, saw and were waiting for

that they did nothing wrong....

I find myself apologizing for things I shouldn't

Im sorry Im crying

Im sorry I always talk about him

Im sorry Im emotionally couldn't handle today

I feel like a fucking crazy person

Im learning that grieving is a process, and there is kind of a right and wrong way to do it....

and I realized that I am doing everything wrong.

I threw myself into a job 1 month and 4 days after it happened to "keep myself busy and my mind off things" 

I thought that working would help, but its really making everything worse.

I stop myself from crying time and time again so I don't look like a crazy person.

No one can time a "grief attack" as I call it,

and when it happens there is absolutely no controlling it

trust me Ive tried

and when you try to control it, it only makes it worse....

I avoid conversation so I don't have to talk about it.

When people ask how I'm doing I give the typical 

Im fine

because Im sure society would not handle 

"Im fucking miserable. My son died 10 days before I was supposed to have him, and Im trying to learn how to live with it."

so this is me saying 

IM NOT SORRY ANYMORE

I WILL cry

I WILL talk about him

I WILL do whatever it takes to get ME through another day without my Bug 

and if you don't like it....too bad. 

The Face

Im realizing its becoming harder and harder to put it on

to be ok with everything

and to make other people believe Im ok

One can only lie to themselves and others for so long

Covering up what happened is not going to make this easier

It makes it so much harder

trying to pretend this isn't painfull

I have excepted that I am going to go through hell

I can only hope that the days I cant put on the face

I have friends and family here to walk by my side

and make this walk a little bit easier...

Doors

                 

We walk in and out of doors on a daily basis.

Doors to the house

The car

The bathroom

But that is the one door I cant open.

When we found out the lay out of the house 

we wanted his room across the hall from ours

so we could quickly come to the rescue

for feedings

diaper changes

and midnight baby snuggles

But now it hurts 

Every morning I open my door and see his.

I should be walking through that door on a daily basis.

But its been shut,

and not opened

since November 26th.

The only reason we went it there was to get his homecoming outfit,

which ended up being the outfit he was cremated in.

I so badly want to open that door...

to smell that new baby smell that the room still has

from all the clothes we washed

the changing table supplies

and the soft linen yankee candle I have opened on the window sill.

Every now and then,

when I walk past his door

the wiff of his room sneaks out underneath it

and reminds me of when we were anxiously awaiting his arrival...

But I can't go in there

and see all his things...

I don't know if I can

or if I ever will. 

What do you want?

I was thinking back on a conversation my dad and I had when I first was pregnant.

He asked me what I ultimately wanted for my son.

I said 

I want him to be happy and healthy 

I want him to know that he has a lot of people that love and care about it him

I want him to be the best person he can be at all times

I want him to live every moment of his life to the fullest

to not look back at any of it and have regrets... 

I wanted nothing but good things for him...

Now I want nothing but him. 

Wings

Oh lights go down
In the moment we're lost and found
I just wanna be by your side
If these wings could fly
Oh damn these walls
In the moment we're ten feet tall
And how you told me after it all
We'd remember tonight
For the rest of our lives


Song lyrics couldnt ring more true...I will remember that night for the rest of my life.

To make you feel my love

                                                          This song is everything I feel.

                                                                      I love you Bug 

Ill Be Missing You

Driving down the street to go into town to run errands 

and this song comes on the radio

I get that oh too familiar feeling 

of a lump in my throat

and tears welling up in my eyes

I probly look like a crazy person 

bawling my eyes out while driving down the street

so I turned the car around to go home

but circled the neighborhood just to finish the song

I ask myself time and time again

why do I do this to myself

but I have to realize a song on the radio is nothing I can control

and feeling what I feel 
is totally ok
its expected 

Phantom Feelings

The first time I felt him move I was 10 weeks pregnant.
It was the weirdest
and now looking back at it
most amazing feeling ever

The first time he moved my entire stomach
with a strong swift kick I was 16 weeks pregnant
drinking water at 2 am

I remember it like it happened yesterday

After that I would lay on my back or side and talk to him
and he would move
as if having a conversation with me that we both fully understood

There are alot of things they don't tell you that happen
after you have a baby
If you are far enough along,
your milk still comes in.
Your body doesn't know any better

It doesn't know
that you don't have a baby to feed.
But I think the weirdest thing is the phantom kicks

Again, in the early hours of the morning
I was laying like I often did while pregnant
on my right side

out of nowhere
under my right rib
I swear I felt a kick

I gasped and immediately started crying
that feeling while pregnant, meant my baby was alive and active and moving
I would often push on my stomach just to get a reaction from him
there were a few times he kicked so hard he woke me up out of a deep deep sleep...
I loved him kicking
I knew he was ok

but to feel it
when you know you aren't pregnant
is a total mind fuck
and just pulls at your heart strings...

I lost my shit

Yesterday I was cleaning and this song came on
and needless to say I was a puddle on the floor within seconds
Sadly, I loved this song
until yesterday.
I had finally sat down and really understood the lyrics...
and now this song is somewhat ruined.

At work today my boss was lightly playing country in the office upstairs
which overlooks the lobby
I had quietly been humming along to the few songs I did know as they came on
and was dreading the moment I heard those first few words....

If I die young

Immediately a torrential down pour of tears overtook my entire face
but I had to pull myself together to check in a client...
a coworker came up and asked if I was ok....
which are honestly the last words I ever want to be asked...
but I answered yes and she asked why I was crying

I said its just this song
          I know what you mean. Is it some stupid boy that broke your heart?
yes it was a boy, but he wasnt at all stupid. He was my son. 

In an instant I was enclosed in a very tearful hug, followed by condolences, and an "Im so sorry" 

Im hoping that someday I can listen to the songs 
that now
hurt so badly.

Stronger

I don't feel that all the lyrics really apply, but the first verse and chorus are the most fitting...
but every time I hear this song I get that lump in my throat...


when you're happy you enjoy the music
but when you're sad, you really understand the lyrics

Bug has trees!!

A very dear family friend of mine donated 5 trees in memory of Bug to be planted in Honduras. 
Why Honduras you ask? 
I was born and adopted from Honduras so they thought that having them planted there would be the most meaningful.
Washington is not our home, as much as we love it here.
We don't have a house in Oregon (yet). 
I honestly couldn't have thought of a cooler place and memorial for Bug. 

In memory of Bug

I just wanted to take a moment to say thank you for all of Bug's memorial donations. The generosity of all my closets friends, family, and complete strangers has meant the world! 
If and when you donate, we are notified with a card that says you have donated, and we have kept them all for his baby book that we will soon be starting/finishing. He's got a nice little stack going on, a few plaques and his star is coming to us soon all framed! 
I know its not the same as us having our boy, but to know that people took the time to think about us and donate makes this a little bit easier. 

Bug has a star!

2 Months

8 weeks

62 days

1488 hours

89,280 minutes 

5,356,800 seconds 
to the second that I found out I lost my son...

It still hurts like hell

It sneaks up on you at the worst moments

Its not gotten any easier

I talk about him all the time as if he was still here
Its the only things that makes this easier

I am...

I am angry

I am now that lady that doesnt want to see babies
to see pregnant women
or to hear about the baby growing inside you

I had all that
I was preparing for all of it
and then it was gone

I struggled through the nausea
the sleepless the nights
the back pain
the terrible smells
the bloody noses
the peeing every 10 minutes

and now I have nothing to show for it
but 4 tiny stretch marks
so small you wouldnt even notice them unless I pointed them out
a baby nursery with everything he could have ever wanted and needed
now just sitting empty
too painful to touch any of it....

Dear Anonymous

First off, you have terrible grammar.

Secondly, have the balls to say it to my face or identify yourself.  

And thirdly, in the most sincere and kindest way possible,

go fuck yourself 

I don't make you read my blog.

I am writing for me and no one else. 

He was my son

This is my journey 

This is my grieving process.

I don't expect you to understand any of this. 

And, if you're soooooo offended about what I have to say, stay out of my business. 

Sincerely

Marisa

Or, as you so kindly called me, 

self righteous twat. 

Im home

Im pretty sure I have every light on in the house
and all the doors are open
except his
Ive just been pacing
I dont know what to do
or where to go
I cant think of anything to keep myself busy or my mind occupied.

Cannonball

He's leaving...

James leaves for the rest of January for training in Nevada on Friday...
I knew that this was coming but like I've said a million times before
It was all supposed to be different.
I was supposed to be home with a 2 month old
Sending daddy pictures every day as to not miss anything.
A friend from back home was going to come up while James was gone to keep me and Bug company...
Now I'm going to have to find something to pass the time.
I hate being in this house alone.