Bug's Molly Bear

Saturday October 3rd
I was dreading/anxiously awaiting 3pm.
Earlier in the week I was emailed by the lady in charge of making my Molly Bear for Bug aka my Bug Bear.

She said that it would be done on Thursday, 

but with James still being gone I asked if she could drop it off that weekend 

so he could be home for it as well.

When I heard a car door shut

immediately there was a lump in my throat. 

We were house sitting my bosses french bulldogs 

so James was still on the couch holding them back

leaving me to open the door. 

As many of you know, we never held Bug in the hospital.

I was so wrapped up in my emotions 

and honestly didn't think that James wanted to 

so the first time we saw him was at the funeral home to verify his remains...

That is my one and biggest regret in how the passing of my son was handled.

I had previously been told about Molly Bears by a nurse from the hospital 
and a few other people that we got in contact to after Bug passed.
I honestly was so angry I didn't know how a bear would help me 
mend the complete and utter mess my life and heart was in...

I didn't know what 5lbs 8oz would feel like

and I was so nervous reaching out to actually take the bear....

the bear that was the same weight as my baby 

a bear that was the same weight as my son. 

I managed to keep my shit together while she was there.

She told us how she got to be involved with Molly Bears.

How the founder used to live here in Oak Harbor and they were friends

How her daughter passed a month after being born,

and how her angelversary was exactly October 3rd. 

So she said it was nice to be able to help another family in need

on that particular day. 

Its like her daughter came full circle. 

She finally left and we shut the door 

and thats when James took the bear.

And I immediately lost my shit. 

I didn't think that it would hurt that bad. 

I didn't think that a tiny little bear would kick up such feelings and emotions.

I sat him on the table and just stared at him.

Feeling the buttons and his fur,

(we were both very happy it was a brown bear...weird I know) 

and thinking how weird it was that the bear was exactly the same size as what was once my baby. 

The tv was on since James was watching football 

and I thought that he was watching it 

leaving me to cry but later he admitted

he was sitting there watching me 

let me have my moment...

I managed to start off with the "pretty" cry

since we were going to go run errands 

and possibly go to dinner,

but I eventually stormed into my room

to go into the full fledged ugly cry

The gut wrenching cry where you just want to scream

and where nothing you do will make it stop.

The cry where your whole body is involved 

you cant see, breathe or care that you cant do either.

The cry that you want to keep behind closed doors

but when grieving seems to hit you at the worst places

and times. 

James crawled into bed and just held me.

I was getting makeup spit and snot all over my pillows and his clothes

and all I could keep saying was 

"I didnt know it would hurt so bad..."

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